Signing Off

This will be the last entry in this blog. It is time to move on. It has been a great tool the past 9 months or so. I think it helped me process the good, the bad and the plain out ugly. I have learned a lot, cried a little, celebrated the moments, gave thanks for the blessings and deepened my faith. Thanks to all who dropped by! It has been such a gift to share this journey with you. God bless!

Powering

Just trying to power through......got to get things done.....need sleep and Theraflu....gonna make it though.....praying and powering.

Sick & Tired

I am feeling so sick and plain out exhausted. Why is that at the beginning of the most busy time I have had in a long time, I get sick? My chest feels like a huge elephant is sitting on it and I am so tired I can barely pick up my fingers as they type. I need to curl up in my bed with some Theraflu and a good book. A day in bed wouldn't hurt either but that is impossible. Tomorrow we have Sunday School orientation, return clothes that don't fit, laundry, change sheets, clean bathroom and finally my weekly respite with friends. Plus I have work to actually get done if Maggie takes a quiet time. It won't be a quiet day.

I am just saying prayers and asking for the strength to do what needs to be done. And trying to crash before 9 at night so I can at least get some sleep!

Hectic

I love fall. Cooler weather and warm sweaters have their charm. I like the beginning of the "holidays" like Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Fall activities such as apple picking, costume shopping, fall nature walks and trips to the metroparks to check out the colors of the leaves are all fun. Apple cider, caramel apples and hot spice tea are so yummy. But I am not loving our fall schedule!

I am already missing our lazy days of summer around here. Waking up at 7:30/8 and lazying in our bed with the kids as we watch a Dora or Elmo was just the right way to start a day. I miss eating a quick breakfast, sunblocking up and spending the whole morning in the backyard just playing, exploring and relaxing. We had no where to be and no need for a schedule. Rick's schedule was flexible and we got to spend a lot of Daddy time. I do love the warm temps and beautiful sun. Mostly I miss not having something to do or somewhere to go every day.

This week was our first full fall week. By today we were all dragging a bit with exhaustion and empty tanks. The alarm rang at 6:30 and we were all up and running by 7:15 (we hit the snooze a couple times). Maggie is in school 5 mornings and encountering a bit of school tireds. Ricks was busy with his normal playing and being dragged to run errands. Rick has his fall class schedule in full swing. Not to mention that our fall allergies are hitting with full force. To add to the fun Ricks' chronic hives and non-allergic allergic reaction are waking him (and me) up at all hours of the night. The best was at 11 this morning he was broken out and need Bendryl. This prompted a nap on the couch during lunch and lunch at 1:45 with no quiet time.

I could have used that quiet time. My schedule seems to have ramped up and taken off. I have a list of to do's that never seems to end. Today I had a presentation about immune deficiencies and handwashing at Maggie's school. I also have been asked for feedback on teaching/developing information for younger children about immune deficiencies. I spent a huge chunk of time on the phone yesterday with a fb friend who is a rep for the company that develops most of the children material.

Add that to figuring out how to put together a newsletter for Maggie's school and getting deadlines out to all the right people. Plus the large need done list for our St. Clare Ministry Fair and getting ready for Sunday School. If I wasn't busy enough I have school starting in one week. Plus you have to add in the weekly doctor's visits for myself, the kids and my mother. I don't think I have a week for at least over a month when someone doesn't have to go to a doctor somewhere.

The best part of my schedule is trying to carve out some good family time, meals together and cuddling up at the end of the day. I also at least one dinner or lunch planned with a friend for the next few weeks. I also have the honor of my weekly outings with some wonderful ladies. These things are all blessings. I love each opportunity. My life has been filled with some awesome people. I daily and sometimes more than once, thank God for all of the gifts He has placed in our lives. My life is full in so many ways and I have no need of anything.

And people wonder why I just wanted to lay low this summer? Because I knew that once fall started life would full steam ahead!

Mistakes

Isn't there a line in the song "My Way" by Frank Sinatra that goes "Mistakes, I made a few"? I suppose we all do because we are human. Thankfully God is all forgiving. But there is the human part to the mistake. As anyone who reads this blog can tell I have had my struggles and celebrations the past nine months. Life has thrown its curveballs at me. Some of them I have handled well, some I have struck out and some I have hit out of the park.

Unfortunately the ones that I have struck out on have had its causalities. There was an ongoing situation that happened which I did not care or feel comfortable sharing all of the details. A bit here, a bit there. Just enough to relieve some steam but not enough to expose the shame I felt about the situation. This caused a backlog which caused me to sometimes act like a jerk. An emotionally reactive jerk who did not always treat people well. A vent here, a snap there or just complete diversion into something which wouldn't let out the truth.

The situation is now looking more positive. I have made some major changes in my perspective and attitude. I have disengaged and detached. The relationship that was crumbling before my very eyes and at my complete devastation is actually slowly rebuilding itself. And now for the consequences elsewhere.

I saved my marriage but lost some friends. I have written there are a couple that it was just time to move on. That is true but I still mourn for them. I realize my part and pondered how I could have been a better friend and person. There is one friend who doesn't fall into that category. I made some major mistakes and now with time the friendship is slipping away. I feel truely sad to say goodbye for she was like a sister and I truly love her. I guess there are always consequences for the actions you choose.

With Rick and I moving towards more solid ground and some of the deep wounds healing I have looked around. I am a different person. I think I am a stronger, more confident person. I have a healthier view on life and relationships. My expectations are more realistic and grounded. My faith in God is deep and unwavering. I have met new friends and developed some great support systems. But there have been causalities that I don't think I can save. I have a sadness in my heart and pray that somehow, someday things will be restored. No matter what the future brings, I will love my friend and be grateful for all that we have shared.

Version of Myself

You are here to become the-best-version-of-yourself. This is the universal meaning of the human experience. Making the choices and decisions that make up the fabric of our lives involves embracing anything that helps you to become the-best-version-of-yourself, and rejecting anything that does not. Anyone or anything that does not help you to become the-best-version-of-yourself is just too small for you. *Matthew Kelly

I ran into this theme and author tonight at a parish council meeting. I don't have much info on it and just did a little bit of research when I got home. I like the message. It seems to be fitting for where I am at and what I have been experiencing. I am finding out more about who I am and worrying less about what others think of me. There is a peace in this journey that only comes from God. I am really feeling guided by God's will and that I am finally seeing His calling for me (at least His calling at this moment). It is funny how tonight I had something in my heart and this came up. God knows just when and where to send the answer every time : )

Just Saying

I just need to say that I have the most fabulous husband in the entire universe. Only a couple of months ago we were at a real turning point and I wasn't sure what was going to happen next. Our differences brought me to my knees. Even in the darkest moments I loved Rick with all of my heart and soul. Our relationship is the first place I ever felt safe and completely loved. Two months later and the we seem to have made it to the light. The work is not done(is it ever?) but the rewards are already flowing in. I am the most blessed woman to have someone who loves me and tries to his best to be a better man. It may not be my way but it is definitely a noted effort.

This weekend has been amazing. Those moments of anxiety and fear were quieted by his strength and love. We may not always communicate well but somehow this weekend it happened just right. I needed and he provided. It is moments like tonight when I thank God for His miracles. The changes in me and our marriage have certainly shown me how wondrous God can be.

Like I said, Rick is the most awesome husband. I am so grateful to have him in my life. Just sayin'!

An Attack

Last night Ricks woke me up twice. At first I thought it was just the end of the two year molar teething. I gave him some Ibuprofen, ice chips and tlc. The second time I got him up I noticed his lips were a bit swollen and he was pushing his tongue in and out of his mouth. This is his sign that his tongue is feeling funny. A look at his back showed a new wave of hives all over him. How could he be having an allergic reaction? He had 2 tsp of Allegra in him and a tsp of Zyrtec. This worried me.

I gave him 1 tsp of Bendryl and within 15 minutes he seemed to settle. His lips went down and the hives seemed to lighten. Another random allergic, non-allergic reaction in the middle of the night that we survived! I had no idea what had triggered it and was glad to have caught it.

This is the killer thing about this situation - there is no pattern or logic. Ricks' immune system seems to randomly send out histamine that attacks his body. There is no trigger or cause needed so it is not really an allergic reaction. It is just his immune system acting as if there is a cause. It is annoying and scary. It happens at weird times and now I always have Bendryl with me.

I am exhausted after last night and a bit freaked out. It is overwhelming me to think of leaving him with this going on. What if someone doesn't notice this is happening? He can't verbalize it and what if it slips by whoever is taking care of him? What if it progresses and his breathing is affected? Oh boy the fears can roll on forever.

Dr. T is running a lot of blood work and we will hopefully find out more in a couple weeks. It all seems to be leading back to some kind of autoimmune disorder. They say it is hard to diagnosis an autoimmune in small children and I will second that. It feels like we are looking for a needle in a haystack and we have only begun. I don't know what our next step is and just trying to have faith in God. I second that faith with trust in Dr. T.

Today, in this moment, I feel scared. I also know in my heart that I will find the strength and courage needed in God. I will continue to send up my fear in prayer to God and ask Him for guidance and grace. And for all who read this please keep on praying. It makes the these moments a bit easier knowing that lots of prayers are going up for my Little Man.

Prayers, Joy and Much More

Today was a very busy day for us here in the Richter household. We got up and had some serious playing to do in our playroom. There were games of pet store, grocery store and restaurant. We finished off with some high energy dancing and lots of laughing while jumping on Daddy. Finally it was time for an early lunch so we could head out to Monarch Magic.

Monarch Magic was at our Metroparks. Maggie has been looking forward to it all summer and even the rain couldn't dampen our fun. Of course all the puddles the kids jumped in did dampen their clothes! We enjoyed a puppet show, some crafts and Maggie got new Monarch butterfly wings (and a magical wand). We had to race home so Maggie could get a snack and dry clothes before her first piano lesson. She LOVED it!! It was wonderful to see how proud she was and happy when she returned home. Not only does she get to learn piano (one of her favorite things) but she gets to spend time with her favorite guy (you guessed it - Daddy).

A quick dinner and Daddy had to leave for a bit. We settled in and got ready for bed. Maggie proudly taught me a thing or two she learned to day. We got Ricks to bed and made some pudding. Once Daddy came home, it was off to bed for Mags. The end of a very busy and exciting day!

We are still waiting for Ricks diabetes results and there is the emotion of the 10th anniversary of 9/11. I felt a tinge of emotion rushing through me today. There were moments of thankfulness, joy, concern and love. I had a few seconds cuddling Ricks when I said a prayer or two about his results. I remembered 10 years ago and thought of all those who lost someone. I said a prayer for each one and held my loved ones a bit closer. Lastly, I said a prayer of thanksgiving for my amazingly smart daughter (yes I will brag) and her fabulous Daddy. I hold close in my heart what an amazing father Rick is. He was as excited as her to spend time together in a passion they share - the piano. I believe this will be a gift to both of them and their relationship. At the end of the day, I kissed my husband and angels while my heart said a prayer of thanks again for it all.

The Virus That Keeps On Giving

Most "normal" kids get a virus and recover. They move on with their life and get healthy with no consequences. Unfortunately not my Ricks. My little zebra is not that lucky.

In early August both kids got a nasty virus with high fevers and throwing up. Maggie had a couple tough days but she bounced back. Ricks had a tough week and still is suffering the consequences.

This lovely virus has set into motion a couple of autoimmune concerns. One is chronic hives which are itchy and uncomfortable. He ALWAYS has hives or a rash on his back and chest. We are treating him with Allegra, Zyrtec and Bendryl if needed. These hives can last a week, a month, a year or years. There is no telling when or how they will go away. So we must get more blood work to help Dr. T figure out what to do and how to best treat them.

The hives are annoying but the the other concern is worrisome. There is a chance that Ricks may have Diabetes Type 1. This used to be known as Juvenile Diabetes. He has been so thirsty lately and peeing up a storm. Every diaper is soaked and at night it is a flood all over the crib. I have also noticed he has been a bit more tired or lethargic lately. Dr. T feels there is a 50/50 chance with the symptoms and family history that he could have it. I am banking on the glass half full 50 that he does not have it. Positive thinking goes along way!

We go tomorrow first thing (7:30) to the lab to get a fasting blood draw. Ricks will not be happy not to get his morning orange juice upon immediately waking up. It is going to be ugly around here. Then we wait until mid-afternoon to call Dr. T's office. Hopefully we will get a call back tomorrow but they have been known to wait until Monday. My feeling is I will worry about when I get the answer for sure that it is diabetes. For right now I will just follow the doctor's orders and do the next right thing.

God Your will be done not mine. Please protect my baby boy and may he not have to deal with the struggles of this disease. If it is Your will, please give me the peace, strength and wisdom to guide him through it. I trust that no matter what the answer You will be walking with us. I hand my anxieties and my baby to You. Please grace me with patience and serenity as we walk through the next few days.

39

Today is my 39th birthday! It is the best birthday I have ever had. There is nothing special or exciting about this year. I have had years with bigger celebrations or better gifts. I have had years with major surprises or got the one thing I truly wanted. This year has been pretty quiet. We had a full schedule over the weekend but today has been quiet and restful.

Why is this year the best? It is the best because I feel like there is nothing I need or even want. I have all I need. My heart and life are full. They are full of love, gratitude and happiness. Sure I would love a pedicure, dinner out with a couple friends, some new clothes, a pair of new shoes or even a morning to sleep in. Those would all be great things to get. But they would just be the cherry on top of this awesome sundae of my life.

Thank you God for all you have placed in my life. I am forever grateful for Your grace, miracles and loving presence in my life. I am the most blessed woman. It took me 39 years (really 38) to completely open my heart and soul for You. Now that I have I am learning everyday more about who I am. I am receiving the gift of loving and accepting myself. You guide me on my journey and provide the strength and wisdom I so often need. When I stumble You gently reach down and pick me up. I look around my life in wonder and amazement at all of the blessings and miracles. All I want is to do Your will and celebrate You. Amen.

Birthday Events

Tuesday is my 39th birthday. I am known to celebrate ALL of Labor Day weekend and sometimes for at least a week. I LOVE birthdays, especially my own. The only birthdays I enjoy more are Maggie and Ricks! This year has been awesome and I have felt especially blessed.

The weekend started out with a haircut and some pampering yesterday morning. In the afternoon I got to lunch with my Maggie, my Mom and my sister MJ. It is always a treat to have girl time with Maggie. Of course what a better way to celebrate than with my Mom. The cherry on top was to have my sister there. We have had our rocky road the past year or so. God has worked his magic again in that relationship. I have done some heavy praying and the relationship is on the mend. We went to Shooters and saw planes from the air show, trains and boats. Maggie met a friend and we just enjoyed being together.

The rest of the day was spent just being with my family. Rick had his normal Saturday night out. I got Ricks to bed and cuddled up with Maggie. It felt so peaceful. This morning Maggie and I went to church and ran into some friends. I love our faith community. It is warm and welcoming. It is the perfect place for our family. This afternoon Rick and I took the kids and my Mom to a spot to watch the air show. It was testy at times to keep Ricks busy and out of trouble. Maggie found another friend (my social butterfly) and she only wanted to play. In the end, it was worth every minute to watch those planes zoom by.

Tonight I was treated to a birthday dinner with some friends. It was a great time of sharing and laughing (not to forget the awesome cake). I am blessed to be friends with some great ladies. God always knows how to put the right people in our paths when we need them. That is how I feel about a couple of these women. Times were changing and they helped me to stay connected and serene.

Tomorrow we have a cookout and on Tuesday a special family dinner. During the day on Tuesday I am just going to hang out with my kids. It is the last day before Maggie's school stuff starts and I am going to enjoy every moment of her. I don't want to make plans or schedules. I just want to be present in playing and talking with her. My hope for a gift from my angels is as many hugs, kisses and cuddles as they will give me. I hope my husband will give me a night off in the kitchen and some cuddle time of our own.

I don't think I ever remember feeling this blessed or peaceful on my birthday. All the things in the universe are just right (for the moment....give it time). I feel as if I have finally solved the puzzle (for today) and am comfortable in this skin. Someone said tonight that being honest with yourself is accepting yourself for who you are good and bad. That is a struggle for me but today I feel at peace with both parts. I am comfortable with my pros/cons. God has blessed me today with such a loving family, fabulous friends and so much I could never have dreamed of. I know this post may be a repeat and I probably drone on and on about it. The reality is I am so full that it all overflows onto these pages how much I love my life and how blessed I truly am.

Thanks God for all these awesome birthday blessings!

A New Journey

Our fall schedule has started and it feels like life is changing around here quite a bit. Maggie starts school 5 mornings a week. It is a great and exciting thing for her and I know she will excel and love it. I am a bit nostalgic and sad that my baby girl is at the point we she will be away from me for 5 mornings. I realize it is only the beginning and next year it will be a full 5 days on her own.

Rick is taking his fall lineup of classes and working on his resume. He is currently working with CSU's career services for internships or possibly a job. This could happen tomorrow, next month or in January. There is no set time for him to make the transition back into the workplace. I am excited for him and proud of all his work and struggles.

Ricks is growing so much and becoming much more of a big boy then a baby. I watch him play everyday and listen to his speech develop. Gone is that tiny toddler who babbled. Now I have a strong and beautiful little boy who can recite a Dora episode in a minute.

I am starting a journey I never thought about. It is the journeying of rediscovering who I am. I LOVE being a Mom but lately I have loved changing hats and exploring other roles in my life (wife, friend, daughter, student, church member..) I have realized that my kids still need me (they are only 4 & 2) but I also have a bit more time to develop my interests and passions.

I am blessed because I have a faith that holds me through the good times and bad. God is an ever present in my heart, soul and mind. He has loved me, guided me and held me up. I try to do His will, see through His eyes and love with Christ's heart. Of course I stumble but I get up and try again.

Through this faith and with the past 10 years or so of a journey of self-discovery I feel I have found me. I finally feel as if I am feeling comfortable in my skin and with who I am. I am not ashamed of how I feel or what I think. I care less about what others think of me and just try to do the next right thing. It is amazing that now I have stopped feeling anxious, worried about others' opinions and trying to please the world - I have found a peace and have so much extra time and energy!

I love my life and as I have said many times, am extremely blessed. I used to want to be thinner, more liked by EVERYONE, included, loved, richer, etc, etc...... Now I "want" for nothing. My life is imperfectly perfect. My husband loves me and despite our issues, our marriage seems to have come out stronger. My kids are extraordinary (at least to me). My family and I have differences but I have been able to love them for who they are and not what I want them to be. I have friends from all parts of my life and each one is a gift. I am a part of my faith community and Maggie's school community. Basically, I am an active member in my life and not just someone watching from the sidelines.

My life is not only filled with blessings but it is a miracle. Ten years ago I never thought I would have a life like I do. My expectations were way below the wonderful place I find myself. God has reached down and kissed me on the forehead many times over. As I go through my day, I stop many times and look at all the blessings and miracles. I try to stop and breath it all in. I thank God for all He has placed in my life and for making me the way He did. I am not perfect but He made me just who I am for a reason. I hope to follow his directions and do His will even with my imperfections : )

A Friend

A year ago when I walked into Maggie's first gymnastics class I could never have guessed I would meet a woman who would become a good friend. I spent many Wednesday afternoons sharing, discussing and laughing about many topics with my friend Lisa. It was always enjoyable and a much needed respite from the craziness of life.

During our hours spent hanging in the gymnastics lobby, we learned we shared a common bond. Our children had chronic health issues. The issues are very different but the frustrations, fears and sometimes even anger are the same. We both also share a strong faith in God. Again our faiths are very different but very strong in our lives and family. This woman was a blessing sent to help me walk through the craziness that life with pidd had become.

I strongly believe that God puts people in our life at the right time. Lisa came at one of those moments where I felt pretty alone on this journey. She shared her experiences and listened to mine. After our year of gymnastics was over, we have kept in touch. We have been out a couple times to just share what is happening in our lives. Each time I have walked away feeling as if God just knew that I needed a friend who was in the same lifeboat as me. Someone who was trying to steer and navigate around all kinds of medical interventions and jargon.

Recently some friendships have been stressed and even some ended. I feel like this was due to changes in me and stresses in my life due to my kids' conditions. It has had its hard moments when I realized the toll that this situation can take on our life. At the same time that those doors closed, God opened a window. He blessed me with Lisa as a friend. She is someone who has supported and encouraged me, not only in my kids' medical situations, but in life. I am grateful to have met her and all because my daughter is obsessed with gymnastics!

Christ's Heart

Today I drove by a church and loved the sign they had out front. It read "Love with Christ's heart" It jumped out at me and has stayed in my mind all day. The saying goes hand in hand with another mantra I have been trying to follow - "See people through God's eyes". I love the idea of seeing the world through God's eyes and loving people with Christ's heart. How awesome is that?!

When I was struggling with Rick someone told me to look at him through God's eyes. It was amazing how I no longer felt anger or resentment. I noticed all the amazing things about him and started to appreciate the positive. The past month I feel like I have rediscovered all those reasons I fell in love with him. And the best part is that I have felt lately as if I continue to fall in love with again on a daily basis. All because I changed my perspective and became more God-centered in the relationship.

That worked so well I started to utilize the mantra in all areas of my life. It is not perfect and I still have my moments. Overall, it has lessened the negative, the drama and any anxieties or resentments. I have been able to just see the positive in people. I can enjoy their friendship, time or even just a kindness. It has lessened the blow or end of some relationships. I can see that no one is to blame. I can remember all the positives and realize that sometimes a person's journey with you comes to end and they veer off onto their own path.

So today I am adding in the additional line of "love with Christ's heart". I truly believe they go hand in hand. Not only will I work to see someone as God would but to love them in the unconditional, loving nature of Christ. I will work not to be judgmental or harsh. I will offer my support, kindness, empathy and love when needed. I will try not to make my friendship or kindness based upon the cover of a book. No matter if the book is tattered, a bit crazy, a friend, or very lost, I will try to do my best to respond as God would.

I am as human as the next and can be instinctively a selfish individual. I will stumble and fall along my way. And I will get up, say a prayer for continued strength and guidance. I will ask to do God's will, not my own. I will try to remember that each person is child of God. With those prayers and thoughts I will put my hand out to whoever needs and try to be the best I can be.

Full

There used to be a hole inside my heart. It was dark, deep, fearful and painful. I tried to fill it with many things for many years. Everything I worked at shoving in there just slipped through and left me with the feelings of anger, emptiness, fear and pain. It festered and followed me for years. It bred anxiety, fear, hate, jealousy/envy and anger. I hated it yet couldn't seem to get rid of it.

Today my heart is full. It is full of God, faith, love and laughter. I was blessed with many miracles and God's grace. Both have offered me the chance to grow and change. I have stumbled and struggled. My mistakes have been many but my blessing have been overflowing. That empty hole is now so full it brings tears to my eyes when I think of all that is in my life. The lesson I learned is the only thing that will fill that space is God. God was always a presence but when I opened my heart the darkness disappeared.

I still have moments of fear, doubt, anger and even envy. I am only human. But the emotion passes and I am reminded of the miracles and blessings. Today I watched Rick as he was playing with Ricks. I watched as he fixed the garage. I realized that God has blessed me again with the gift of falling in love with my husband on a daily basis. We have our moments and it isn't perfect but lately, every time I look at Rick, my heart melts as it did those early days when we met.

I am the most blessed mother of 2 amazing children. These 2 angels that God has loaned out to me are the sun and moon of my life. I get to watch them grow and bloom. I have the opportunity to be there for my Mom as she ages. It is sometimes frustrating but always rewarding. I can be present when needed. Lately, I have been able to develop some new friendships and enjoy the old.

Life is amazing and great. It is full and rewarding. God's will has always been better than mine. And for that I am grateful. Mostly, I am thankful that He has filled the hole that was slowly sucking the life out of me. He has filled it with light, life and love. I just hope to share those gifts with the people in my life. May God bless us daily with His love and grace.

Wings

Maggie and I ventured out to the mall this afternoon to run a couple of errands. I have noticed a lot lately how grown up she has become. No longer do I see any baby or toddler in her. She is a kid 100%. I am very proud of the girl who she has grown into but there are moments when I miss the baby she was.

Today at the mall I noticed a Mom with a little girl about one. They were sharing a snack in the food court. I looked over at my big girl as she sipped the lemonade we shared and remembered all those days and moments we have spent just being together. Before Ricky was born and when Rick was working, Maggie and I had lots of adventures. I loved just being with her and hanging out. I felt a little sentimental tug at the heart strings.

In a week and a half, my sweet girl starts pre-k. She is going to school five mornings. I groan at the thought of early mornings and a more structured schedule. I also feel a bit nostalgic at the thought of not being with her as much as we have. Chatting with Maggie is one of my favorite things. We love to laugh and wonder about why this is that way or what makes that work. I will miss her as she begins her educational journey into the world.

It is funny because I have my moments but Maggie is full force ready to go. She asks me daily when her school starts. I am informed of how excited she is at least a couple times of day. Maggie is not the kid to want to hang on to my apron strings. She is independent and has a strong desire to explore and learn. As much as I may want to hold her back and keep her close, I know that for her it is time to take this step.

With all that has happened and the immune deficiency, I can get anxious about sending her out into the world. Those anxieties are tamed by two things: Maggie and God. Maggie has shown me time and time again that she is more than capable of succeeding in this world. She is happy, smart and full of life. I know in the depths of my soul that whatever life throws her, she will beat it. Even in the short times she has been on her own (school or gymnastics) she has flourished. We have had to walk through and process some lessons but she always gets it and grows.

God is also a huge factor in believing that Maggie will be okay. I truly have faith that God is watching over and caring for her each moment. He will always be there for her. The added bonus is that Maggie has such a strong faith and connection with God. I know that on her journey, He will continue to fill her heart and she will continue to turn to Him for guidance.

Maggie has been one of the biggest blessings in my life. Approximately 5 years ago I found out I was pregnant. I have loved her with all I am since that moment. I have tried to capture each moment and am grateful that God picked out this perfect little girl just for me!

Caterpillar to Butterfly

I was always the girl who wanted something. I wanted to be prettier, thinner, more popular or funnier. I wanted to find a boyfriend or a husband. I wanted to have a baby, to be the best mother, to be loved and liked by everyone. I wanted more money, a better house, someone to clean my house and my kids to go to the "right" schools.

It has been a struggle to differentiate between what I have wanted and what I have actually needed in my life. There were many moments where what I had was not good enough. The fact I had everything I needed (and even most of what I wanted) was not good enough because there was just that one piece missing. In the end, I was always a bit unhappy or envious because I just didn't "have it all".

This defect of character is something I have been working on now for over 10 years. I have stumbled and fallen on many occasions. There have been moments where I was good, only to come upon new struggles. It is a tough lesson to learn. A lesson I hope to continue to learn and to teach my children as they grow older.

In my life now I have all I need and most of what I want. The difference is I am extremely grateful and content with that fact. I can see and appreciate all the blessings and miracles God has blessed me with. I realize the silver linings and good things even in the harder moments. There is a peace in my heart that I have found that only comes from God.

Today I was sitting in the playroom and watching the kids play. My heart felt full of the love and happiness that surrounds our home. There are plenty of tough days. My husband still can drive me crazy (and I can drive him crazy), the kids still have cranky moments and I can be in a bad mood with the best of them. Things don't always go the way I want and life happens. With all of that, I can honestly say that it is perfectly unperfect.

In the past couple of weeks I have had my struggles. It feels like I had a couple of growing pains as far as friendships and relationships. I have felt like the caterpillar who has been in my chrysalis and is finally popping out to become the butterfly I was always meant to be. It only took 39 years (better late than never huh?). In transitioning to this butterfly I had to shed some unhealthy relationships that made me feel more like the ugly caterpillar than the butterfly. It was hard and painful but in the end I feel relieved and grateful. I learned a lot from the friendships and don't want to carry resentments or grudges. It was just time for both parties to move on.

I am grateful for starting to feel comfortable and confident in my own skin. It has been a tough road. I am grateful for all the people who helped me to get here. I am grateful for all the experiences, bad and good, that have brought me here. I have a full and happy life. I have a loving husband and 2 amazing children. We have family who are crazy but lovable in their own way. I have some great old friends and made some fabulous new friends. Most importantly, I have developed and nurtured a relationship with God who makes all of this possible. I searched for many years to fill the hole in my heart. To capture not only the needs in my life but all of the wants. And I have finally found the answer in my faith. God is the only person/thing that can fill me up and make me whole. With God in my heart I don't have to "want" for anything. The best part of the deal is this is just a small part of the journey. I have a full life ahead to celebrate, learn, discover, stumble and love!

Here's Hoping

Throughout today Maggie and Ricks have developed a case of the sniffles. Ricks started and I was hoping it was due to no Nasonex the past couple of days or allergies. I was so not on top of his medicine that it ran out and I realized the prescription had expired. Since we see Dr. T on Friday I just decided to wait until that appointment rather than calling.

Maggie has started the sniffles and her nose running this afternoon. I am sending prayers up that it is just allergies or a fluke. She has been healthy approximately a month. One month of no headache and feeling better. I want longer than a month for all of us. And if she gets a cold and it follows its usual course we will end up with the sinus inflammation and infection. I follow that journey to the antibiotic issue and there we are back at IV's within 4 months. The anxiety is starting to send out vibes a tiny bit. Okay I will back up and stay in the moment. All we have now is small sniffles and a tiny runny nose. I will just continue to pray. I have no idea what will happen tomorrow so I won't worry about it until we get there : )

The good news is that Dr. T is back in Cleveland. We saw him and his family at the Greek Festival we went to on Sunday. He has been on vacation for 2 weeks. It is always a bit unnerving to me when he is gone. I just feel safer and less stressed knowing he is only a phone call away. I may have to wait until morning or fight our way in for an appointment but he is in his office. It is crazy that Dr. T not being available can be a bit stressful but I am not the only Mom who feels this way. I spoke with another Dr. T patient Mom and she goes through the same emotion. I think it is because he is the captain of our ship. Our family relies on him and we trust him. Our kids feel a connection with him and believe he will do all he can to help them feel better. He is not just our doctor but a part of our family in a strange kind of way. Dr T is the go to guy! And thank you God, if the kids sniffles transition to colds and infections, that he is back in town.

When Did That Happen?

Today I took Maggie and my Mom to the Greek Festival for some yummies. As my Mom and I walked, Maggie ran ahead. I watched her run and it floored me how much she has grown. She no longer has any baby in her. It is all girl! Tonight when I checked in on her while she was sleeping, I noticed it again. That little baby I held in my arms is now a beautiful young girl.

Tonight I woke Ricks up to change a stinky diaper. After I finished he was leaning against the couch. All of the sudden there was no baby in him either. He didn't even look like a toddler. He looked like a big boy. When did all of this growing happen? It was just yesterday I held him in my arms the night he was born. Time is flying by so fast.

Soon I will look at them and they will be grown up. In a blink of an eye they will be adults making their own choices and following their dreams. So I store away my memories and say a prayer for each of them. May God be their guide and hold them safe and close.

Memories

This morning Rick and Maggie decided we were going to take an afternoon outing to the zoo. I was not as excited because the usual during an outing like this is me carrying Mr. Ricks. I could hear my back groan with aches already. But Maggie's excitement to see the bears, monkeys and elephants coaxed me into agreement.

We forgot about quiet time and ate lunch early. As soon as Rick finished an appointment, we loaded up and headed out to explore at the zoo. We spent the afternoon visiting all kinds of animals and learning about each one. Maggie had so much fun learning new facts about the animals. She said she was, "kinda like Diego." Ricks was not so much into the animals as he enjoyed the open area to run and move. Rick and I just sat back and watched our two babies having so much fun. We enjoyed each moment, especially the cool train ride.

After 3 hours of fun zoo time, it was time to head home. We were hot, tired and ready to decompress. Maggie asked me to look at her. When I did she was smiling from ear to ear. She told me, "See this smile Mommy? It is because I had so much fun today at the zoo!" That in itself was worth any amount of money, the humidity or the sore/creaky back that is killing me now.

Today is one of those days where I wish I could freeze time for a few moments. I want to capture the fun and enjoyment we shared as a family. It is days like to day I will remember when the kids are off at college or starting lives of their own. I will remember the fun and the love we shared. The happiness that filled our hearts and the smiles that we wore on our faces. God has blessed me with these three wonderful people in my life. I have a husband who, even on his worst days, is my best friend. I have two kids who are the loves and lights of my life. It is so amazing to watch the world through their eyes. I don't want to miss a minute!

I was told by my Mother that these years will be gone in a blink of an eye. I believe it because the past four have gone so fast. I am so grateful to spend a day cherishing each blink and each blessing.

Preparing for the Germ Factory

The pre-k school year is less than a month away. Unbelievably, the summer has flown by and we are getting ready to enter the germ factory known as school. I am finding this year better and worse then last year as far as the anxiety of it. I feel more confident in knowledge and experience in managing the immune concerns. But I feel more concerned because of the knowledge and Maggie will be there more days so more exposure. Either way she will encounter germs and we need to plan and prepare.

Maggie's teacher is a friend of my Mom's who I have known for at least 20 years. I grew up around here and she was even at my wedding. Mrs. F is a great woman and teacher. I have a lot of confidence and trust that everything that can be done to keep Maggie safe and healthy will be done. She is in the best place she can be. I am not leaving her with a stranger and having to struggle with communicating about the information or immune deficiency.

Tomorrow I am going to meet up with Mrs. F to teach her about Selective IgA Deficiency. We will talk about the basics, what can be done to minimize germs and the best way to communicate with us about them. I was hit with the realization that this is probably a conversation I will have to have every year at with both kids' teachers. Our beginning of the year will consist of a rundown of what the deficiency is and a request to help minimize their exposure to germs. I also am aware that right now I have it easy. The teachers we are dealing with are people who I have a history with. These are friends and ex-coworkers who are willing to go that extra mile to help. In the future, I may meet up with a teacher or two who is not so willing to do the extra to help keep them healthier.

I feel a bit of anxiety rear its head when I think of the germ factory Maggie is walking into. I have had those moments of panic when I think I should just keep her at home. But I also know that the positives of being in school outweigh any negatives. She needs the socialization and experience of being in school. It helps her to grow, learn and manage (especially with primary immune deficiency issues). The honest truth is either one of them could get sick from the grocery store or the library or a play date. Keeping them home and protected in a bubble doesn't guarantee they won't get sick.

This is the place where faith walks in and sends anxiety packing. I have to believe that God is watching over them. No matter what germ they get or treatment they need, He will be there. I will continue, like I have for the last year or so, to place them in God's hands in the morning and thank Him for caring for them at night. It gets hard sometimes to let go and let God take care of my most prized blessings. But when I do the rewards are amazing and I am always grateful. And I am extremely grateful this year for a teacher who feels it is important to do the best to keep my girl as healthy and safe as possible!

Learning

Today in church during the homily (when the priest gives his sermon after the gospel) the priest talked about prayer, faith and perseverance. This brought me back to the pain, frustration and anger I had when trying to get pregnant with Maggie. I was so angry at God for me not being pregnant and thought He wasn't listening. Or maybe just didn't care? Or was He punishing me for something I did or didn't do? I struggled and felt further away from God than I ever had. Everyone told me in God's time, to have patience and to look for the lesson.

Eleven months later I found out I was pregnant and I got my sweet baby girl. I didn't see it right away but there were so many lessons I did learn from the experience. Today's homily was one of them. When you pray to God and ask him for something - sometimes His answer is yes, sometimes His answer is no and sometimes His answer is maybe or not yet. You must persevere and have patience. You must keep the faith.

I was mulling over these thoughts and holding Maggie during the end of mass when she can get squirmy. All of the sudden I realized her feet were at my knees. When did my baby grow so tall? After church we went shopping at Target and Ricks' feet grew a whole shoe size since May. Who told these babies they could grow so soon and so fast? I keep hoping that time will move slower and I can hang on to them for just a bit longer. I just want to freeze these moments in my mind and imprint them in my heart.

Each day my kids teach me so many lessons. I learn more from them then I every learned in school. I am blessed to have such good professors in this life. They remind me of all that is important when I get lost and a little off my path. God is their partner in teaching me all the life lessons I still have yet to learn. Maggie taught me about patience and perseverance. Ricks and God taught me that my will is not the best way to go. God's will is the better way. Maggie was supposed to be an only child until God sent us Ricks. Best darn surprise I will EVER receive and I thank God for him everyday.

Maggie has taught me about faith, strength and spunk. Ricks has taught me about joy, being present in the moment and pure love. Both have taught me endless lessons of gratitude. Without them I would be so much less than who I am. They have enriched my life and helped to define the person who looks back at me in the mirror. Each day I say so many thank yous to God for each moment with each one. I can't wait until tomorrow to learn so much more!

A Tiny Scare

Dinner time last night brought a tiny bit of drama by Ricks. For some reason he had been rubbing at his eye a bit. All of the sudden he seemed to start crying and clinging to me. We tried to look at his eye and rinse it to the best of our abilities. The decision was made he just probably got something in there. At bath time, we took extra care to rinse the eye out a bit. He still was fussing. I began to wonder if maybe he had pink eye. The eye was itchy, red and watery so it could be. I figured I would check him tomorrow and if need be take him to the doctor.

My eyes began to itch and Maggie followed soon after. I was pretty convinced we had a bad case of pink eye that we had shared. Off to the doctor we would go in the morning. A nasty virus but not to worrisome or hard to take care of.

At 1 in the morning, Ricks screamed out. He was vigorously rubbing his eye and was inconsolable. Great, he is going to up all night because his eye itches from pink eye. YEAH! We checked the eye. Yep still red and watery and starting to look a bit puffy. We tried compresses but Ricks would not let us touch it. Then I noticed something else going on. He was sticking his tongue out like a little lizard. And he was gulping like he couldn't swallow comfortably. These are things he did in Dr. T's office during the egg challenge. I looked closer and his lips were a bit swollen.

This is when I started to freak a little bit. Ricks breathing still seemed okay. It was consistent and he wasn't gasping for air. But he definitely was having a reaction. The first thing was to get him Benadryl. We got him to take the medicine and within 10 minutes everything normalized. The second thing was to monitor him for awhile. Okay so I held him all night and didn't sleep as I watched him breath. I laid on the couch with him cuddled up into me. I watched each breath go in and out trying to ease the anxiety. I talked to God all night about how blessed I am to have this beautiful boy. I asked Him to keep him safe and I shared all my fears. I explained to God how I struggle letting go of Ricks because of my fears with the egg allergy. I asked for strength to let him grow and go be who God is calling him to be.

I also racked my brain about why he reacted. What had egg? Was there something new? Did I do all the right things? In the morning he was fine and as active as ever. I took a breath and said a thank you to God for watching over him. At the doctor I explained what happened. He agreed that it was a reaction to something. Was it connected to the thing, something environmental or another food allergy? That we have no idea. Dr. T is out of town and so we will wait until he gets back to look further into it.

This is the reality of allergies and the immune system to me. A reaction happened and I can't truly pinpoint it. I hope we can figure it out but it may take another reaction until we get there. It scares me that something can happen and cause Ricks to react like last night. And I have no idea what it was. I realize that this is where my faith comes in and today I am trying to hang on to that. I keep praying for God's help to release the fear and remember He has got us. But that one tiny voice that screams quietly keeps whispering in my ear - "just one tiny slip and this kid could have a serious reaction. What if no one notices his signs and he begins to stop breathing? What if one tiny mistake truly brings on a tragic consequence?" With these thoughts I try to stop, breath and remind myself of how much God loves and carries us. I remind myself over and over again about just letting go and believing. So today was a struggle but I have faith that tomorrow will be better.

*BTW - it wasn't pink eye. It was just some crazy allergic reaction to something outside.

Time To Let Go

The past couple of days have been a bit emotional for me. Okay so I will be completely honest here and admit the truth. I am an intensely reactive emotional individual. I vomit emotion, I ooze emotion, I can just plain be emotion. That is raw and real emotion with no filter or brain. That has been me! I usually try to temper it or utilize cognition but not this week.

Another honest fact about myself is that I talk a lot. My mouth can run constantly and sometimes without direction. I haven't gotten better about the direction but not the constant running. Combine that with a sometimes one track, self-absorbed mind and it is not good. I don't mean to to monopolize a conversation or be centered more on self. But when I have a lot going on, it can happen. I don't truly mean to be mean or egocentric. I just get caught up in my own junk.

I have a couple of friendships that have been more uncomfortable than comfortable. These woman were once good friends who I shared a lot with. Now it felt more routine and uneasiness. I struggled with the relationships for very different reasons. I can't even say when anything changed or the negative began. This week they both confronted me on the fact that they feel our friendships have not been a 2 way street. On phone conversations I first spoke about my life at length and then asked about them. More was said in these discussions, some good and some just hurtful. My emotions ran deep and they reacted with tears, hurt and anger.

The aforementioned phone conversations always happened at times they were in the car (headed to work, headed home or picking up the kids) which were horrible times for me (lunch,dinner, kids transitioning). The time limit available was no more then 20 minutes. And I do feel like when I say hello to people I ask what is going on? I always thought my opening on the phone was "Hey what's up?" Isn't that an opening for them to talk first. I also have had my time of supporting or listening to both of these women through some tougher times.

I was told that whenever one called there was never positive and it got tiring. Yeah life in a primary immune deficient home can be tiring. I know because I live it. That one hurt a lot and honestly I think it closed the door on the friendship. To have a condition that when it gets "tiring" she feels obligated to pull away feels to negative. The other complained I turned down watching her kids when she needed me. I got a short email at like 11 on a Thur night after just seeing her no more than a couple hours before. No mention of it being an emergency or what the situation was. I had to say no b/c of a prior engagement. I guess it made her feel angry that I never do anything for here.

Okay so I have spewed a bit about the details. The reality is we all have a part and all I can do is take care of my part. I see that part as being somewhat oblivious to others and what is happening in my life. I need to make a concerted effort to ask people first about their day before I start running at the mouth. I learned a lot about the women and the friendships. More importantly I learned A LOT about myself. It took sometime to see it and the emotions had to subside. But in the end, I think the cooling off of both friendships is the best idea. I don't feel these women, at this time, are positive people in my life. I can't meet their expectations and it is best to just let it go.

I read in one of my meditation books that we need to be willing to let go of our character defects when we pray for God to take them. I have prayed hard that He helps me get better on this one. I don't want to hurt people or make them feel my life/stuff is more important. I want to be a good supportive friend. So I am open and willing for Him to help me be less centered on self and more on others.

I don't know what will happen in time with these friendships. Like I said, right now I think a little space would do us all good. I have no anger or even resentment at them. I am still a bit hurt by some of their words but in time that will ease. I want to be friendly so when we run into each other we can be happy to see each other. I think that can definitely happen. You know all things are possible with God!

God Grant Me....

God grant me the wisdom to keep my mouth shut and fingers from flying. Help me to pray before I speak or react. Guide me in my thoughts and emotions. And when I have been wrong, help me to say I am sorry with humility and honesty.

Exhaustion

Last night we had two very sick kids and today we have two very exhausted parents. It has been a long day but not a hard one. Yes there were moments I needed toothpicks to hold my eyelids up and just wanted to crash. But there were also moments of cuddling, love and thankfulness. I never want my little ones to be sick but there is a silver lining of getting to cuddle up with them. It won't be long before they close the bedroom door to sleep when they feel sick. I won't be needed to hug them, kiss their heads or rub their back. I cherished each cuddle today as I soothed Maggie's tummy and Ricks' feverish head.

In the midst of the madness and exhaustion, Maggie climbed up on my lap. She was eating her afternoon snack and watching a show of her choice. Out of the blue she told me, "Mommy, thank you for taking care of me last night when I was throwing up. You must love me very much!" I sat up and hugged her as tight as I could. I told her that I loved her infinite amount and kissed her as many times as she would let me. Those few little words made all the tiredness so worth it. It didn't matter that I hadn't slept since 2ish. All that mattered was my little girl was sweet enough to thank me.

I also didn't have to battle the germs alone. Rick got up with Maggie when she started her tummy trouble. We sat with her and rubbed her back. He cleaned the pan and got her pillow so she could lay down with us. He held vigilance with me as we waited for the next time she got sick. When Ricks woke up with a high fever, he took over Maggie watch. She had fallen asleep on our bed but he couldn't sleep. He was afraid she would fall off the bed so he cuddled up with her watching tv.

Ricks and I hung downstairs. When Ricks got sick to his tummy all over the living room,dining room and kitchen, it was a bit overwhelming. I immediately called Rick who came down to clean up while I cleaned up the Ricks. After we got the house cleaned and Ricks settled on the couch he went back up to bed with Maggie. I can't begin to put into words how grateful I am for his being present in those moments. There was a lot of studying for him to do today and a quiz to take. Rick never mentioned them and did what needed to be done.

Today he slept in and I tried to catch a quick nap. We are both still exhausted. His quiz is over and I hope he soon comes to bed. I am heading there right after I finish this post. I am afraid that once the ibuprofen wears off, Ricks will be up and screaming. His fever hit 105.3 tonight and it wasn't pretty. We tried the bath and fought with him to take the medicine. I consistently fed him ice chips to keep him hydrated. Once the medicine worked he ate some dinner and is now jumping in his crib. I am going to take advantage of the sleep time while I can. Good night and God please kiss my baby on the forehead. Grant him a quick recovery and please grant me some sleep!

A Ha Moment

In the previous post I mentioned I have been struggling a bit this week. I just couldn't put my finger on what I was struggling with. I prayed and asked God to guide me. I asked Him to help me to see what I needed to work on our learn. Why was I feeling so emotional or off center?

It is amazing how God works! Tonight I had the honor of sitting with some friends and talking. One of the gentlemen was sharing about his journey of acceptance. He hit on two important points. Things are as they are. It is that simple. I don't have to stress, worry or fight because they just are. I can chose how to respond or react but I can't control or change them. I can only make changes in myself. I was clued in on this bit but still work on it just the same.

The big A-HA moment came when he began to speak on self-acceptance. I wanted to leap up in my ever so dramatic way and shout "That is it! That is what I have been struggling with all week!" A lightbulb popped on and the fog cleared. I have been struggling with accepting myself warts and all. It is exactly where my journey has taken me.

I am learning so much about myself and striving to be God-centered. In those lessons, I am also working on accepting who I am for the person I always felt it was not alright to be. That is so hard for me and I think why I have felt so emotional and a bit fearful. What if I accept me but no one else in my life does? Key point to this self-acceptance is that I have to learn not to care about what others think, feel or say about me. This some days feels like an impossible task, especially with those I care about the most.

I had a long and very enlightening conversation with this gentleman. I felt a weight had been somehow lifted off my shoulders just by identifying the struggle. God had amazingly put this gentleman in my path to answer my prayers. He was guiding me along to the answers I needed.

I have been really beating myself up about some mistakes I have made. I was spending A LOT of time and energy on some pretty intense regret. It was creating a huge sensitive spot which a couple of other people unintentionally knicked. I reacted and reacted loud and clear. This only compounded my guilt and regret. This messenger told me that I need to give myself permission to be human and make mistakes. When I start to beat myself up, I must stop and refocus. Truthfully, I had been doing well at this until a couple recent interactions caused a minor backtrack.

In this man's kind and wise words, I heard God speaking to me. He was answering my prayers and leading the way. There is still work to be done and it will probably be hard and messy. But again God has reminded me He is right there to lead the way and pick me up when I fall. I am always amazed at how many miracles happen in my life. And I am always grateful when they do!

Off Center

Today has been a tough day for me. My emotions have run high and intense. I am not even sure why I have been off. It started Monday afternoon and has seemed to throw me off balance. I had a pretty intense conversation with Rose on Monday and really dug into some areas of life. I started to sort through all the changes and transitions I feel are happening in my life and in me.

I think that conversations probably started the snowball and it has just continued. This morning I felt extremely sensitive and volatile. The tears were close to the surface about anything and everything. The truth is I can't put my finger on any specific problem or concern. My life is full and sometimes my plate can be crowded. There are some areas where I am working to grow and change. The stress level can be high. But I don't feel anxious necessarily. I feel vulnerable and maybe a bit scared at the changes that seem to be happening. As I start to realize more of who I am and who I want to be, I get scared that I don't quite fit in the places I used to. If I am different how will others accept me? Or will they?

This is all normal or at least I have told myself it is. I am trying to just go with the flow. I am praying and talking to God everyday. It is His will I want to do and His eyes I want to see the world through. I feel like this week I have stumbled. The work has been hard and I have struggled. In the end I know it will turn out as it is meant to be. God will guide the way and handle the results. I don't need to worry or fret because He has it handled. All I need to do is take a breath and hand it over.

**On the plus side, I have had the blessing of reconnecting with some pretty great women as I have been discovering more about me. And my husband, has been so supportive of the journey. Even in the moments where I struggle and question, God provides those silver linings, blessings and miracles.**

It Has Finally Happened!!!!!

Today, for the first time since mid-April, Maggie told me that she was a GREEN band aid. That means that she is 100% and feeling healthy. I was so happy and excited. She was cuddling on the couch with me reading a book and let me know very matter of factly and added, "Mommy today my head does not hurt anywhere." Amen and Alleluia! I began to feel I would never hear her say that. The medicine and "plan" seems to have finally worked. A huge weight has lifted off my shoulder of concern that we would be battling this inflammation forever.

I am going to enjoy these moments of freedom and health. I will appreciate her being a green band aid and be grateful for each moment. I will work hard not to worry or think of what is or is not to come (esp. with school starting in month). It is now time to relax and enjoy my healthy kids. The summer, although almost over, is now ours to just sit back and let go.

Thank you God for walking with us the past 3/4 months. It has been Your strength and guidance which has led the way. I am filled with gratitude for her health and the knowledge we have gained. Most importantly, I am grateful for the experiences which have led me closer to You.

Quiet Night

There is not much happening tonight. The weekend was busy with a sick preschooler and a teething toddler. I didn't get much sleep but in the end they both are doing fine. I am feeling exhausted so I believe I will head off to bed. I am sure that I will have more to gab about tomorrow.

So Much Thanks

Maggie has a virus. It started last night with a high fever and throwing up. At 11 this morning when the thermometer read over 105 I figured I better call the doctor. I called the pediatrician thinking he would tell me just to watch her and keep the fluids going. I was surprised when Dr. Borus told me he thought she should be checked out. It made sense after all we had been through the last 3 months and her immune deficiency. We should make sure that my instinct on the virus was right and not miss something bigger.

Dr. Borus felt Maggie should see Dr. T because of the sinus history just in case. He told me that if Dr. T couldn't see her, I should call back and bring her in to him right away. I had to wait until 1:30 for Dr. T's office to return from lunch but luckily the fever had gone down with ibuprofen. Once I talked to the receptionist she checked with T. He had us in by 2 and home by 2:45. He checked her out and concluded my gut was right - it is a virus.

Now we just treat the fever, keep her hydrated and watch her. I am praying the virus does not prompt a secondary infection or worsen the much-improved inflammation in her head. Dr. T said to expect this to last over the weekend and Ricks could get it next. So we may spend the next week battling this virus but I am going to try to stay positive. Hopefully, by Sunday the fever has broken and we are all healthy.

The title of this entry is much thanks. That is because I am so thankful and grateful to both doctors for their care and attentiveness to Maggie. She is blessed to have to doctors who are so invested in her care and health. I can't say enough how much it means to me that I have 2 people I can trust and communicate with on her medical team. In all honesty, it is calming to know I have someone as smart, competent and thorough as Dr. T to lead her team. He not only is extremely competent but he has connected with her in such a special way. God has certainly put a couple of special angels to walk with us on this journey.

None of My Business

I have been told that what people think of me is none of my business. I agree with that but it is sometimes hard to internalize. I can let my fears and insecurities get the best of me. Then I start to question my choices and where I am at. It is a hard to battle the demons of worrying about who thinks what of me.

I have had a couple of experiences lately where I have felt judged or looked down upon because I choose to stay home with my kids. My belief that God has guided me here to be the Maggie's and Ricky's Mom is not one that a lot of people agree with. I suppose my faith has guided my feelings but I truly believe that this is what I am meant to be doing. I am right where God wants me to be.

With all of that said, I do believe I have to take care of myself. I need to eat healthy, sleep, keep my priorities in order, exercise, etc. At the same time, I know the sacrifices (if you want to call them that) I make for my family are blessings and not crosses to bear. I don't feel resentful or angry or even overwhelmed. I may have moments but they pass and God refills my fuel tank.

So in those moments when I feel judged for staying home and focusing on my children, I just take a breath. I remember all the wonderful things about being with them. I say a prayer. I know that I am fulfilling my calling from God at this moment. I have faith that I am doing His will and He has my back. It still stings a bit but the truth is it is none of my business.

Just a Scream

So I need to just scream this somewhere and here seemed to be appropo. I LOVE MY LIFE! I am so grateful for the blessings that continue to fill my life. No matter what the situation, I have a great husband who I love with my whole heart and soul. I am thankful that he feels the same in his own unique Rick way. It is amazing to me that somehow in this crazy world, God found someone who is perfect for me even with his imperfections. We just make sense and that includes those moments when I wasn't sure what the future held.

I am so amazed by these 2 angels God has loaned me. Maggie and Ricky are gifts that God has put in my life. My goal is to love and support them on their journey. God has a calling for them both and I get the chance to watch them grow into the wonderful people they will become. And if they fall along their way or take a detour, I hope I am there to provide unconditional love and guidance back on to the right track.

I am grateful for all the people and opportunities God has placed in my life. Life is about change and growth. God has loved me, guided me and sometimes carried me through each moment. Now I am here, at this time and place. Today I have been able to be present for my husband, children, Mom and friends. My heart and life is full of so much gratitude and happiness. I had to scream it out and this blog is a fitting spot.

My final shout out - Thank You God for Your grace, blessings, miracles and unconditional love. From You I take my strength, peace and joy. May I never turn from Your love and cherish each blessing.

A Dime

I have heard that saying "Things can change on a dime" so many times in my life. I suppose that is true. For me it is more like, my perspective can change. I have found in life that it is usually never the situation that changes but the way I perceive it. If I come from a place of love and unselfishness. If I don't center on what I need or am getting out of it. If I can think of others and do the next right thing then things are more manageable. I am not overrun by anxiety, fear, anger or sadness. I can be loving, kind, empathetic, reasonable and honest.

This outlook comes with growing up and maturity. It definitely is a benefit of living a life guided by God. Things in life happen and most of the time they are not about me. I look at right now and see a lot of situations that need my attention. None of these are centered on or about me. It is my job to be present, loving and kind with all the people who they are about.

God has blessed me with the grace to be able to love and support four of the most important people in my life (my husband, children and mother). I have struggled with and processed my own feelings on each one. In the end, I have come to the realization that it is a gift to be able to love them through each step of their journey. I just read a friend's blog and it said it perfectly. She wrote about J.O.Y - Jesus first, others second and you last (I think I paraphrased it correctly). I will continue to follow this mantra and have faith and acceptance that all is as it should be.

Changes

Lately I have felt like I am going through some kind of metamorphosis. I believe it started within the last year and has slowly began to ebb into all areas in my life. I really have felt it with this last bout of medical stuff with Maggie. The fear was there but the anxiety was missing. That in itself is a miracle! It seems the anxiety was replaced by a faith strong and constant. I felt the presence of God and was able to let go and trust.

Recently, a lot has happened in my life. Some might say my plate is full. I have the normal stresses of life with 2 small children, working on my marriage, all the kids' medical concerns and my Mom's medical concerns. I am trying to balance all this and continue to take care of my own needs and nurture my faith. In the past this all might be crippling. At this moment, it all feels manageable and a task I am completely up for.

I have work to do to dial down the emotion and utilize more thinking. And there are certainly more areas that I need to improve on in my life. I am far from perfect. But I feel serenity and calmness today. I am confident I can handle all that is in my life. There is a strength inside me that helps me to put one foot in front of the other. For the first time in forever, I feel comfortable in my skin and truly have found an appreciation and love for who I am (warts and all).

This newfound strength and confidence is in direct result of the grace of God. He is intervened in my life and put amazing people to help me get to this place. My serenity is a blessing from Him and my strength is a miracle. There have been some tough and ugly moments in the past couple of months. In those moments, I have handed my fears and problems to God. I have done the footwork and left the results to God. Today I sat quietly watching the kids climb and cuddle with Rick as they all shared popsicles. I realized that through all that I am happy and extremely blessed. My life may not be perfect but it is perfectly unperfect. I love every person (okay most people), every part and every moment.

In the future, I will hit speed bumps, obstacles and challenges. I used to live in fear of those moments or who I would be at those moments. Today I look forward to those moments and the growth they bring with them. I want to continue to learn and change. I know God will be with me and help me navigate my way through. I just have to follow His will and listen to His guidance. It always works out as it needs to be. And I must always stay grateful for the miracles and blessings He has given me. Life is awesome and I want to praise God for all He has blessed me with!

Sibs

Once upon a time, a long time ago, I had planned on just one baby girl to finish off our family. I had my baby girl and that was all I needed. Maggie was it! I made plans and had dreams of all the things we were going to do. I didn't need anyone else but her to "complete" this family picture. Maggie was the center of our world and universe.

When Maggie was 16 months old, the pregnancy test showed the plus sign. A baby brother or sister was on the way. Maggie had no idea and no stress on the issue. I was a wreck. My plans had changed. What was I going to do? How could I manage two? Then we found out the baby was a boy. A boy! A positive because I felt Maggie might transition better to a boy. Negative because I had box after box of pink. We were blessed enough to have friends give us lots of hand me downs. I still stressed about how my baby girl was going to feel with all this change.

Jump ahead two years and I look back laughing at all the "plans" I had. God knew so much better what this family and I needed. Ricks is such a blessing to this family. He was the final piece of the puzzle to complete this crazy crew. When he looks at me with those beautiful eyes and that amazing smile, I know I am just completely in love. He is a Momma's Boy in every way and I love it. No one has ever looked at me like my son has. There is such unconditional love and acceptance in his eyes. Oh and not to mention the twinkle that shines so bright!

Ricks has made our family better and me a better Mom. Most importantly, he has made Maggie a better person. He loves her and follows her everywhere. She is one of his favorite people (next to Mommy and Bear). They fight like any siblings but they also love each other intensely. Maggie is extremely protective of him. And she is so sweet and nurturing when she bosses him around. Ricks gets so excited to play with her and finds her hilarious. I watch them play and bicker and it makes me envious that I never had a sibling so close in age.

Today I watched them belly laughing in the pool. Ricky was copying Maggie as she pretended to be a frog. They would jump and fall into the water. Each time they fell they would break out laughing in unison. In that moment I was so grateful that God followed His plan. He sent this angel down to us to brighten up our lives. He sent Ricks down to make Maggie less "the center of the universe" and more "the big sister". And he sent Ricks down to remind me that His plans always hold better miracles than mine.

Maggie told me she met Ricks in heaven and wanted him to be her brother. She explained that when she was born she started praying to God to send him to our family. She asked God just for Ricks to be her little brother. I have to tell you, I am glad Maggie had that conversation with God. And I am so thankful that God listened because my Little Man is one of the most amazing and magnificent surprises I have ever received in my life. Thanks again God for my angel boy : )

A Gift and a Blessing

I have learned in life that I chose how I view the things that happen in my life. It is all about the perspective. When something happens I can take the negative view and wallow in pity, anger or resentment. Or I can look at it and find the positive. I can see the miracles and blessings. I try to be on the positive side. Even with the worst scenario, I can usually find on silver lining.

The past week has been a bit crazy and I felt a bit overloaded at times. The situation with my Mom is what it is. Life is happening as it does and I can complain and be cranky or..... I would much rather spend my time filled with peace and be happy. So I chose to frame the changes as gifts. It is a gift that Maggie gets to spend more time with her Grandma. It is a gift that I get to take my Mom to the doctor and pay back for all the times she took me. It is a gift to have her for dinner and enjoy her company.

So when I get frustrated with her or my siblings. When I feel crunched for time or overdone and tired. When I have had enough of the drama that may come with 8 siblings and a mother in need. I will remember that this situation and all that comes with it is a gift from God. I just need to do the footwork and let God handle the results. My Mother, as frustrating and complicated as our relationship can be, is a blessing. I am thankful for the chance to be grateful and present in whatever she needs.

Sad On So Many Levels

Today has been a very sad day for me. I spent the morning on phone calls with my Mom and others about the situation that is happening with her. The afternoon was spent taking her for a ct scan, grocery shopping with her and cleaning out her fridge. I also had to do some basic cleaning/organizing at her apartment. The reality truly hit when I actually touched base with her primary care doctor. It seems that my Mom hasn't been filling him in on the reality of what is happening either. The doctor was taken a back but not surprised at the situation. He felt that we need to look further into my Mom's depression and other medical health issues.

The hardest thing to hear throughout all this was when the doctor said, "Her health seems to be failing her." I have to say my stomach lurched and heart jumped. It was sad, scary and overwhelming in so many ways. For a moment I couldn't breath and I had to say a quick prayer. The rest of the day I just felt sick to my stomach and a sadness just sat in my heart.

I am sad for so many reasons: for my Mom, because she is my Mom and for the reality that faces us. It is natural for me to spearhead my kids medical team. I worry and struggle but they are my kids. You care and take care of your babies. It gets a lot more complicated and harder when it is your parent you are caring for. To have a doctor bypass the patient (my Mom) to discuss test results and concerns doesn't feel natural. I feel out of place and saddened. It is what I have to do but it is not an easy place to be.

This looks as the beginning of a journey. It is familiar from traveling it with my Dad. The emotions are welling up in my heart and I feel the tears will start to spill out sooner then later. Now matter what the issue or disagreement, my Mom is my Mom. It is not easy to see her begin to decline physically, emotionally and mentally. But in the end it is not about me. I just have to do the best I can by her, love her and support her. So I gather my strength from God and just try to do His will. I just need to do the next right thing and stay in the moment. At moments it is hard to do but so comforting in its own way.

The Time Has Come......

It has been a busy weekend full of changes and decisions. On Friday my sister came into town from Michigan. She stayed at my Mom's. This gave us insight into what is truly going in with my Mom. My Mom is a smart, stubborn and pretty crafty woman. I had a feeling she was doing some shady maneuvering the past couple of months. With all the illness going on here and not a lot of free time, I let some of it go. I honestly thought she might be ditching me due to not dealing well with people who are sick and any of the emotional that comes with it. That is a true method of operation for my Mom throughout my life.

My theory may have played a small part in what was happening but there was a much bigger story. My mother has been struggling to do the basics and take care of herself. My sister found food moldy in a pan on the stove, bills unpaid and a filthy bathroom. Like I said, my mother is pretty crafty and somehow managed to keep those of us in town at bay. I had no idea that things were as bad as they were. I had a gut instinct something was up and voiced that to my other sister who lives in town. She got the stonewall from my Mom and had her own concerns. That led to a visit from someone for out of town. We figured it would be much harder to hide things when someone is staying with you. We were right.

The verifying of our instincts and the realization of the problem led to a lot of conversations. Decisions had to be made and jobs had to be handed out. I have more time and no money while others have no time and money. The results is I got a lot of the jobs. I am in charge of managing the electronic bill paying and money, basic chores like grocery shopping and leading the way on all her medical. My plate just got a lot fuller. And my mom is not happy about handing over the reins.

I can empathize with the feelings of not wanting to give up independence and the sadness of growing old. It makes me sad to get to this point with her. My mom, for all her faults, was always a very strong, stubborn and independent person. It is hard to watch her struggle and realize that she needs hand over parts of her life to us. It will be a frustrating and difficult task to get her to cooperate. I will say a lot of prayers for patience and strength. In the end, for good or bad, it was time for this transition.

I was asked by my friend Rose how I feel about all of this. How will I deal with more on my plate? I have a lot of things going right now and how will I manage one more area that needs some big attention at the moment. My answer without a pause or breath - God. There is a reason He has put all of these things/concerns in my life. I may never know what that reason is but I have faith they will make me a stronger and better person. Sometimes in my life I have felt like an issue is a cross to bear. Only later do I look back and see all the miracles/blessings it brought into my life. I will gather my strength from God and do the best I can do. I know I have to take moments to take care of me and I know in those moments God will give me the grace I need to continue. Life may have its hard moments and I may be processing a lot of emotion in those moments but God is always present. I feel a peace in my heart and soul that all is okay. I am doing all I can and being present for those He needs me to be there for. He will carry me through.

Tomorrow I take my Mom for ct scan of her head. I have taken over her medical care. We will follow with grocery shopping and if need be dinner. I had other plans in my head for my empty calendar date but God's plan is more important. I owe it, out of love and respect, to do all I can for my mom. And I want to be a role model to my children on how we treat people with care and love. In the end, I want to follow God's will for me the best that I can.

The Hub

You know the saying God never gives you more than you can handle? Tonight I feel like he thinks I must be able to handle my fair share. The past week has been interesting in the dynamics of many relationships and life's happenings. I feel like the center of the hub and there are a couple areas that have needed some definite attention. Today one more was added. Although there is some emotion to it, overall I feel okay. There is a calm within my heart that lets me know that things will happen as they will. I just needed to be honest, loving, unselfish and pure in my part. I just need to keep my side of the street clean and make amends when I happen to make a mistake. At the end of the day each spoke has its priorities and needs. I am one person and do the best I can to care for, manage and respond to each one.

My priority today was Ricks and his egg challenge. I was so excited the blood work showed no allergy and hopeful we could move on from it. The nurse gave him one tiny bit and out popped a couple of hives. Dr. T said try just a bit more and see what happens. Out popped more hives and Ricks' mouth and tongue swelled up. He seemed to start grasping for his throat. The Bendryl was administered in hope that he wouldn't need a shot of epinephrine. Thank God we didn't! It was a bit unnerving to watch my baby have a pretty significant allergic reaction even in the safety of the allergist's office. In the end, we settled the reaction and Ricks is fine. Just no egg for the foreseeable future. And that is no big deal because it was how we have been. We just keep doing what we are doing.

The positives of the day is Dr. T took Ricks off Flovent because his lungs have sounded so strong even during the reaction. The ultimate bonus was we made the decision to hold off on the rheumatologist and observe Ricks a bit longer. Amen and Alleluia to not adding another doctor to my list. Right now we haven't had any major concerns in over 3 weeks so we are hoping that it was a virus.

We ended the day swimming at Grandma's pool. Both kids had lots of fun. I enjoyed just laughing and playing with them. In those moments when I feel like the "hub", I like to count my blessings. I am reminded that God can never give me to much to handle because He is always there to help me. I cannot be overloaded with Him at my side. No situation or worry is to heavy because He carries it with me. Life may continue to happen but I am confident that I can continue to navigate through it. My confidence is not because of who I am but who is my co-pilot. What a comfort to have God so present in my life.

I Gotta Be Me

Tonight I had a conversation with someone who is concerned about me. Her feelings are that I have lost myself in being a mom and a wife (esp. the mom). I take her comments with love but I feel myself upset about them. I admit that I am 120% devoted to my kids and sometimes more than others. I admit that they can be my top priority. I know that I could do less for them and more for me. The truth: I don't really want to change things.

Maggie and Ricky are only this little once. I don't want to miss a moment because soon enough they will be racing out the door. Their lives will fill up with school, friends and activities that don't include their Mom. There will even be times when they want to get away from me as fast as they can. I can't help but want to spend every moment I can with them when they so sweetly ask me to.

I listened as my friend pointed out to me that I am close to losing who I am and all the other things that were important to me before I became a mom. As I think back, I don't truly remember a lot of what I "loved" to do before April 30th, 2007. In my whole life I wanted to be a mom. I didn't really care to be a doctor, teacher, astronaut or accountant. I just wanted to be a mom. I love the job and love that it defines me for now. All of those things before being a mom were fillers until my dream job came along.

Maybe I am wrong or just strange. It could be true that I may regret spending this time so devoted and crazy for my babies. And I suppose it could be at the expense of "who I truly am". I will think and prayer about it. But I also know that in 3 years both my kids will be in school and I will have more than enough time to figure out all about me. I can go back to school and jump with both feet into a new hobby or career.

For now, quite honestly, I just want to love my kids. I want to make the best decisions on how to parent them through their successes and challenges. I want to laugh with them and cry with them. I want to talk and share and listen. Call me crazy but I want to embrace and be present in each moment. Then when they are older I can look back and remember as they follow their own journeys in life.

Appointment

How to even begin tonight's entry. Maggie and I went to the ENT today for her appointment. His assessment was that she has mucous/infection and inflammation but.... The but is that it doesn't seem to be serious enough to warrant any further (or more invasive treatment). We just need to stay the course on the nasal spray and singulair.

So how does this all sit with me when Maggie is still complaining about her head "hurting"? How do I assess myself where this whole thing is? I have absolutely no idea! I just keep praying and putting one step in front of of the other. I suppose I could shed a couple of tears to get the frustration out or take a walk to settle my craziness. In all honesty, some cheesecake and General Hospital feels like the best medicine.

It has been implied by the ENT that Maggie may be exaggerating her symptoms. Yes they are there but she is upping the ante. Do I buy it? I don't know. Is she using it to manipulate me? Could be. Or does she really feel yucky and this is just her reality? That is what the pediatrician feels is more likely. Maggie has some "stuff" going on in her head. That "stuff" is making her feel yucky but she is not sick enough to require major invasive treatment (thank God!). It just makes her feel yucky all the time.

That "yucky" may be her reality for awhile. I hate the thought of that. I struggle to wrap my heart and soul around it. I want to be able to make her 100%. To fix it and make it all better. Okay I can't do that so I need to do the next right thing. That means teaching her to rise to the challenge. To be happy, successful and well-rounded in spite of the yuckies.

I am not sure how I feel or what it all means. I will review with our trusty Dr. T and go from there. It may be time to just quit the crazy search for a resolution and work with what we have. Or maybe there is more options available that we have yet to come upon. I will just have to hand it over to God and let Him lead the way.

Butterflies

Okay I have to admit I have butterflies in my stomach about Maggie's ENT appointment today. We have to leave in an hour and that hour can't go fast enough. I don't know if it is from the emotion of the day (extended family funeral) or the situation itself but crying feels to be on the horizon. I just am having one of those heartbreak reaction every time I have to review the past 12 weeks of my baby girl's life. She needs a break and a resolution to this situation. I just have a feeling of "we must get something done" going in to this meeting. The problem is I already know there is no guarantee that anything will be done. We may be sitting here tomorrow still counting the days that this continues. I am so grateful for a couple of pals who listened with no advice and accept my frustrations unconditionally. I truly appreciate the safe place to let off steam. It helps me to walk through the stress and get back to the moments of peace. God has definitely blessed me with support to help me along this crazy journey.

D-Day

Tomorrow is finally almost here!! We are finally headed back in to the ENT to reassess where Maggie is at. I don't know whether to be calm, excited, nervous or overwhelmed. A month ago Dr. T started us on a regime of Singular and Veramyst to get the inflammation down. It doesn't seem that either have worked. I don't have a very good gut instinct that we will get a solid answer on a resolution. I honestly have no idea what the ENT will say.

I am praying that Dr. Arnold has some ideas to reassess where Maggie is at. I want to hear some concrete ideas or plans to look at what is going on. Surgery may not be the best option or even an option. I don't really want it to be an option. But maybe we can do something to see how much inflammation/infection is in Maggie's head. Then we will have a better idea of how much intervention is needed.

After 12 weeks, I just want someone to make it better for her. I am feeling a bit done and I know so is Maggie. It is time to make it better and move on to other things in life. I realize this may not be the reality. We may be in for another week or month of trying to figure it all out. I just pray that God will give me the patience, wisdom and strength to handle whatever we find, or don't find, out.

This Moment

At this moment, my children are running around like crazy. The toys are flying and the laughter loud. It feels a bit like a zoo. And life has NEVER been better! I just want to freeze this moment to hold onto it forever. How can I be so blessed with such miracles? They are so AMAZING! I am the luckiest and most blessed Mom in this universe. I believe I am going to go and enjoy the madness : )

I Don't Get It

I copied a status report of a friends today on facebook. It said, "Give some of that weight where it belongs - to God, and have faith that what happens to you is for the best, whether you understand it or not." I guess this past weekend and week I have struggled a bit with this. I strongly believe this and have that faith on most issues in my life.

With the kids and all their medical issues, I have no doubt that God has our back. He is holding us in the palm of his hands. I don't know why the kids have the conditions they do but I believe that it is all a part of their journey. Each crisis, obstacle and moment is to help them grow, become stronger and help them to fulfill their calling in this life.

I even believe and have faith on the basics on many things in life including parenting. Maybe that is why I find such joy in some moments and patience in others. Some question my lack of priority on items such as housework and such focus on things like playing with my kids. I know in my heart that the time spent with them will bring great rewards. The mess and dirt will be there tomorrow.

I strive to be the best I can be each day. I pray for guidance and strength to do the next right thing. Faith is my guiding light these days. I feel I have truly grown into my own skin and feel a confidence and peace I have never had. And then life happens......

There is one area that I am struggling for strength, patience and the clarity to do the right thing. Rick and I have been working on our communication for a bit. It is important to us both to provide a loving, happy and stable environment for our kids. We want to give them what we didn't necessarily have and always wanted. To do that we have gone to an outside source to help navigate the way. On Thursday we hit a bump. What I have found is marriage is not the "happily ever after" of fairy tales or movies. It is hard work full of changes, challenges and joys.

Rick and I are very different people with different ways of handling life on life terms. We each have our baggage and expectations. And sometimes they don't match. That is basically what happened to us this past weekend. So we were at a standstill. I felt strongly that I couldn't give in or sacrifice because that would be a sacrifice of myself and all I had work to become. He had his reasons for where he was at. I wasn't sure what to do or how it would resolve itself.

That is when God worked another miracle in my life. Do you know how sometimes a person is placed in your path right when you need them? Well that is what happened to me yesterday. I had an appointment to see the counselor that we were working with. I talked, cried and prayed with her. I was able to see past the hurt, expectations and frustrations of the situation. With Rose's help, I was reminded of some of the most precious characteristics that make up my husband. She helped me remember things that my anger had clouded. Most importantly, she reminded me of looking at the situation through God's eyes and loving my husband as God wants me to.

My fears about losing who I am to solve the problem melted away. Rose had many ideas of how not do that while still loving Rick. She talked about how to nurture my marriage even with the differences. We have a challenge that we have come up against but I need to answer that challenge as a woman of God. Even though my instincts do not always lend themselves to that reaction, my faith must direct me. I have to stop coming from the fear and come from love and faith.

Today I spoke with my sister who is married over 25 years. She shared an experience very similar to what Rick and I are walking through. She told me how it made them better and stronger. In the end, the experience brought them closer as both friends and lovers. It seems to me very few, if any couples get through without a few bumps. The key is how you face the challenges and love each other through them.

I told a friend I was envious of her patience and God-directed response to her husband. I was hurt and angry at the moment. I still envy the ease with which she seems to be able to come from that place. I also know that love is not a problem between Rick and I. We are best friends and we need each other. I might have wavered for a moment and let the fear take over. But as the fog passes, I am confident that we will weather through stronger and better. I just need to remember to follow God's lead and do His will. Then it will work out just fine.