Mistakes

Isn't there a line in the song "My Way" by Frank Sinatra that goes "Mistakes, I made a few"? I suppose we all do because we are human. Thankfully God is all forgiving. But there is the human part to the mistake. As anyone who reads this blog can tell I have had my struggles and celebrations the past nine months. Life has thrown its curveballs at me. Some of them I have handled well, some I have struck out and some I have hit out of the park.

Unfortunately the ones that I have struck out on have had its causalities. There was an ongoing situation that happened which I did not care or feel comfortable sharing all of the details. A bit here, a bit there. Just enough to relieve some steam but not enough to expose the shame I felt about the situation. This caused a backlog which caused me to sometimes act like a jerk. An emotionally reactive jerk who did not always treat people well. A vent here, a snap there or just complete diversion into something which wouldn't let out the truth.

The situation is now looking more positive. I have made some major changes in my perspective and attitude. I have disengaged and detached. The relationship that was crumbling before my very eyes and at my complete devastation is actually slowly rebuilding itself. And now for the consequences elsewhere.

I saved my marriage but lost some friends. I have written there are a couple that it was just time to move on. That is true but I still mourn for them. I realize my part and pondered how I could have been a better friend and person. There is one friend who doesn't fall into that category. I made some major mistakes and now with time the friendship is slipping away. I feel truely sad to say goodbye for she was like a sister and I truly love her. I guess there are always consequences for the actions you choose.

With Rick and I moving towards more solid ground and some of the deep wounds healing I have looked around. I am a different person. I think I am a stronger, more confident person. I have a healthier view on life and relationships. My expectations are more realistic and grounded. My faith in God is deep and unwavering. I have met new friends and developed some great support systems. But there have been causalities that I don't think I can save. I have a sadness in my heart and pray that somehow, someday things will be restored. No matter what the future brings, I will love my friend and be grateful for all that we have shared.