I Gotta Be Me

Tonight I had a conversation with someone who is concerned about me. Her feelings are that I have lost myself in being a mom and a wife (esp. the mom). I take her comments with love but I feel myself upset about them. I admit that I am 120% devoted to my kids and sometimes more than others. I admit that they can be my top priority. I know that I could do less for them and more for me. The truth: I don't really want to change things.

Maggie and Ricky are only this little once. I don't want to miss a moment because soon enough they will be racing out the door. Their lives will fill up with school, friends and activities that don't include their Mom. There will even be times when they want to get away from me as fast as they can. I can't help but want to spend every moment I can with them when they so sweetly ask me to.

I listened as my friend pointed out to me that I am close to losing who I am and all the other things that were important to me before I became a mom. As I think back, I don't truly remember a lot of what I "loved" to do before April 30th, 2007. In my whole life I wanted to be a mom. I didn't really care to be a doctor, teacher, astronaut or accountant. I just wanted to be a mom. I love the job and love that it defines me for now. All of those things before being a mom were fillers until my dream job came along.

Maybe I am wrong or just strange. It could be true that I may regret spending this time so devoted and crazy for my babies. And I suppose it could be at the expense of "who I truly am". I will think and prayer about it. But I also know that in 3 years both my kids will be in school and I will have more than enough time to figure out all about me. I can go back to school and jump with both feet into a new hobby or career.

For now, quite honestly, I just want to love my kids. I want to make the best decisions on how to parent them through their successes and challenges. I want to laugh with them and cry with them. I want to talk and share and listen. Call me crazy but I want to embrace and be present in each moment. Then when they are older I can look back and remember as they follow their own journeys in life.