I was always the girl who wanted something. I wanted to be prettier, thinner, more popular or funnier. I wanted to find a boyfriend or a husband. I wanted to have a baby, to be the best mother, to be loved and liked by everyone. I wanted more money, a better house, someone to clean my house and my kids to go to the "right" schools.
It has been a struggle to differentiate between what I have wanted and what I have actually needed in my life. There were many moments where what I had was not good enough. The fact I had everything I needed (and even most of what I wanted) was not good enough because there was just that one piece missing. In the end, I was always a bit unhappy or envious because I just didn't "have it all".
This defect of character is something I have been working on now for over 10 years. I have stumbled and fallen on many occasions. There have been moments where I was good, only to come upon new struggles. It is a tough lesson to learn. A lesson I hope to continue to learn and to teach my children as they grow older.
In my life now I have all I need and most of what I want. The difference is I am extremely grateful and content with that fact. I can see and appreciate all the blessings and miracles God has blessed me with. I realize the silver linings and good things even in the harder moments. There is a peace in my heart that I have found that only comes from God.
Today I was sitting in the playroom and watching the kids play. My heart felt full of the love and happiness that surrounds our home. There are plenty of tough days. My husband still can drive me crazy (and I can drive him crazy), the kids still have cranky moments and I can be in a bad mood with the best of them. Things don't always go the way I want and life happens. With all of that, I can honestly say that it is perfectly unperfect.
In the past couple of weeks I have had my struggles. It feels like I had a couple of growing pains as far as friendships and relationships. I have felt like the caterpillar who has been in my chrysalis and is finally popping out to become the butterfly I was always meant to be. It only took 39 years (better late than never huh?). In transitioning to this butterfly I had to shed some unhealthy relationships that made me feel more like the ugly caterpillar than the butterfly. It was hard and painful but in the end I feel relieved and grateful. I learned a lot from the friendships and don't want to carry resentments or grudges. It was just time for both parties to move on.
I am grateful for starting to feel comfortable and confident in my own skin. It has been a tough road. I am grateful for all the people who helped me to get here. I am grateful for all the experiences, bad and good, that have brought me here. I have a full and happy life. I have a loving husband and 2 amazing children. We have family who are crazy but lovable in their own way. I have some great old friends and made some fabulous new friends. Most importantly, I have developed and nurtured a relationship with God who makes all of this possible. I searched for many years to fill the hole in my heart. To capture not only the needs in my life but all of the wants. And I have finally found the answer in my faith. God is the only person/thing that can fill me up and make me whole. With God in my heart I don't have to "want" for anything. The best part of the deal is this is just a small part of the journey. I have a full life ahead to celebrate, learn, discover, stumble and love!
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