The past couple of days have been a bit emotional for me. Okay so I will be completely honest here and admit the truth. I am an intensely reactive emotional individual. I vomit emotion, I ooze emotion, I can just plain be emotion. That is raw and real emotion with no filter or brain. That has been me! I usually try to temper it or utilize cognition but not this week.
Another honest fact about myself is that I talk a lot. My mouth can run constantly and sometimes without direction. I haven't gotten better about the direction but not the constant running. Combine that with a sometimes one track, self-absorbed mind and it is not good. I don't mean to to monopolize a conversation or be centered more on self. But when I have a lot going on, it can happen. I don't truly mean to be mean or egocentric. I just get caught up in my own junk.
I have a couple of friendships that have been more uncomfortable than comfortable. These woman were once good friends who I shared a lot with. Now it felt more routine and uneasiness. I struggled with the relationships for very different reasons. I can't even say when anything changed or the negative began. This week they both confronted me on the fact that they feel our friendships have not been a 2 way street. On phone conversations I first spoke about my life at length and then asked about them. More was said in these discussions, some good and some just hurtful. My emotions ran deep and they reacted with tears, hurt and anger.
The aforementioned phone conversations always happened at times they were in the car (headed to work, headed home or picking up the kids) which were horrible times for me (lunch,dinner, kids transitioning). The time limit available was no more then 20 minutes. And I do feel like when I say hello to people I ask what is going on? I always thought my opening on the phone was "Hey what's up?" Isn't that an opening for them to talk first. I also have had my time of supporting or listening to both of these women through some tougher times.
I was told that whenever one called there was never positive and it got tiring. Yeah life in a primary immune deficient home can be tiring. I know because I live it. That one hurt a lot and honestly I think it closed the door on the friendship. To have a condition that when it gets "tiring" she feels obligated to pull away feels to negative. The other complained I turned down watching her kids when she needed me. I got a short email at like 11 on a Thur night after just seeing her no more than a couple hours before. No mention of it being an emergency or what the situation was. I had to say no b/c of a prior engagement. I guess it made her feel angry that I never do anything for here.
Okay so I have spewed a bit about the details. The reality is we all have a part and all I can do is take care of my part. I see that part as being somewhat oblivious to others and what is happening in my life. I need to make a concerted effort to ask people first about their day before I start running at the mouth. I learned a lot about the women and the friendships. More importantly I learned A LOT about myself. It took sometime to see it and the emotions had to subside. But in the end, I think the cooling off of both friendships is the best idea. I don't feel these women, at this time, are positive people in my life. I can't meet their expectations and it is best to just let it go.
I read in one of my meditation books that we need to be willing to let go of our character defects when we pray for God to take them. I have prayed hard that He helps me get better on this one. I don't want to hurt people or make them feel my life/stuff is more important. I want to be a good supportive friend. So I am open and willing for Him to help me be less centered on self and more on others.
I don't know what will happen in time with these friendships. Like I said, right now I think a little space would do us all good. I have no anger or even resentment at them. I am still a bit hurt by some of their words but in time that will ease. I want to be friendly so when we run into each other we can be happy to see each other. I think that can definitely happen. You know all things are possible with God!
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