Sad On So Many Levels

Today has been a very sad day for me. I spent the morning on phone calls with my Mom and others about the situation that is happening with her. The afternoon was spent taking her for a ct scan, grocery shopping with her and cleaning out her fridge. I also had to do some basic cleaning/organizing at her apartment. The reality truly hit when I actually touched base with her primary care doctor. It seems that my Mom hasn't been filling him in on the reality of what is happening either. The doctor was taken a back but not surprised at the situation. He felt that we need to look further into my Mom's depression and other medical health issues.

The hardest thing to hear throughout all this was when the doctor said, "Her health seems to be failing her." I have to say my stomach lurched and heart jumped. It was sad, scary and overwhelming in so many ways. For a moment I couldn't breath and I had to say a quick prayer. The rest of the day I just felt sick to my stomach and a sadness just sat in my heart.

I am sad for so many reasons: for my Mom, because she is my Mom and for the reality that faces us. It is natural for me to spearhead my kids medical team. I worry and struggle but they are my kids. You care and take care of your babies. It gets a lot more complicated and harder when it is your parent you are caring for. To have a doctor bypass the patient (my Mom) to discuss test results and concerns doesn't feel natural. I feel out of place and saddened. It is what I have to do but it is not an easy place to be.

This looks as the beginning of a journey. It is familiar from traveling it with my Dad. The emotions are welling up in my heart and I feel the tears will start to spill out sooner then later. Now matter what the issue or disagreement, my Mom is my Mom. It is not easy to see her begin to decline physically, emotionally and mentally. But in the end it is not about me. I just have to do the best I can by her, love her and support her. So I gather my strength from God and just try to do His will. I just need to do the next right thing and stay in the moment. At moments it is hard to do but so comforting in its own way.