The Load

When the load seems overwhelming and to heavy to carry I must stop and say a prayer. Today I have needed to "stop" many times. Maggie is still full of infection and we have not received any direction on what antibiotics she can take to help. The pain is just taking over and her behavior is showing it. We had three huge temper tantrums of 40 minutes to an hour. It is killing me to have to enforce the rules and be consistent. At the same time, if we bend them now we will pay later. I learned that lesson last spring when she was sick. So we stumble through and I try to provide the stability and tlc she needs.

Ricks has his own concerns. I was sure he had 2 ear infections because of fire-engine red ears. I took him into Dr. T this morning only to find out his inner ears are fine. The redness could be due to a virus that is finishing it's reign and giving one last hurrah. Or it could be an autoimmune disease showing it's ugly face. This means that Ricks' immune system is attacking the cartilage in his ears. To mean, this sounds might scarey. If this turns out to be the reality, what does it mean? Will other parts/joints of his little 2 year body become involved? And will his immune system continue to turn on him and attack him?

All of these concerns and needs are nothing I can answer or solve tonight. My heart fills with worry and fear. I need to let it go and stay present in the moment. Right now, in this moment, I have my own sinus headache to treat. I will eat my night snack and watch my "crap" t.v. Finally, I will take a hot bath and read my mediation books. I will end the night with prayers and some silence. I hope for peace of mind and heart. I hand over my 2 most precious gifts to God on a daily (sometimes moment by moment) basis and all of those who watch over them. Please God help me to have the absolute faith and trust that no matter what happens we will walk through it together.