Emotions

I have run the whole gamut of emotions today, sometimes all within a half hour. I go from feeling okay, to being completely sad, to feeling powerless and on to anger. In the end, I always come back to faith.

I took Maggie to school today. I had to stay because the catheter is still in for the IV. I was glad for her to get back so some kind of normalcy and happy to see her running around with her friends. Then I stepped back and watched as she started to tire a bit. I took notice of the bulky area on her little arm where the catheter was covered. I felt sad, honestly depressed, that my little girl doesn't have the chance to be "little" like her friends. The depression fell into anger and I started to bargain with God.

We had a good IV session and Maggie was full of giggles with Dr. T. I again felt overjoyed and grateful for her medical team. I went through a bit of denial about how concerning or serious all of this is (in my head of course). The anger came as I realized we could be doing this past Friday. Finally, I just felt sad, again, that my baby has to deal with things that adults struggle with.

These emotions and range are all a normal part of the grieving process. There are so many things I think I am grieving with Maggie's PI. At the same time, there are so many blessings and gifts. I suppose that is just how life is. It is full of pain and sorrow but also beauty and joy. The craziness is sometimes these things are all wrapped up in one experience. The key is being present and walking through each moment and emotion. I cannot get "stuck" or allow the fear/anxiety to take over. It is life and it happens. I have opportunity to do with it whatever I want. I can celebrate it or mourn it. It is my choice how I chose to perceive and live in each moment.

It is important for me to live each moment to it's full potential. I want to teach my kids to embrace life and deal positively with ALL that life throws at them. I don't want them to hide, suppress or medicate to run from the bad or good. I have learned that each feeling or experiences passes or changes quickly. I want them to realize that and find the positive or gifts in it all. One of the best tools I can give them to do this is faith.

The past week my faith has grown in ways I didn't think possible. I struggled with fear and sadness but never felt anxious and alone. It occurred to me the other night that I felt a calm while still feeling overwhelmed. I guess that surprised me. I didn't feel like I was holding on to God as tight as I could. I actually felt this peace that He was holding me and Maggie (actually the whole family). It is this peace which gives me the strength to walk through each emotion. I have complete confidence that no matter where this journey takes me, I have all I need for exactly where I am at.