This morning was a very rough start for us. Maggie woke up feeling very sick and crabby. She needed constant Mom and tlc. I couldn't leave her side or else she melted down. She cried for me, for Daddy and just because she didn't feel well. We have backed off the ibuprofen for fear of rebound headaches. The past 24 hours or so Maggie has had fevers and her head pain is worse. I guess the ibuprofen was working and it masked the fact she still had fevers and how bad the pain was. Today has to have been the worst morning we have had in awhile. Maggie struggled and I struggled right along with her.
I think I can honestly say I went through a barrage of emotions in a few short hours. I was angry (at God, the infection, PI, the doctors, myself....), sad and heartbroken, overwhelmed and plain out powerless. I talked to a couple people but it didn't help. My prayers were flying up to God. Actually, it was more like a conversation than praying. I asked God a lot of questions and even swore once or twice. I cried for a couple minutes here and there. I cried because this sucks. I cried because I can't make it better now. I cried because there are Mom's out there who are dealing with much bigger and sadder concerns.
The doctor called back with a message to give Maggie acetaminophen sparingly. He really wants to avoid those rebound headaches. And if she gets worse, I take her back in next week. I had people question and wonder why I don't take her for another opinion. I feel as if people think I am crazy because my kid is so sick and it seems we are just sitting here waiting. Trust me, I feel frustrated with this plan at times too. I also understand the why's of it and that other people don't. It is what we have to do as hard as it is. One important lesson I have learned recently is I can do hard. And I can love and support my child so she can do hard.
Maggie's bad head day led to a bad emotional morning. She is experiencing some severe anxiety about being separated from Rick and I. After a few conversations with both her regular pediatrician and her developmental pediatrician, we have a good idea of what is going on. They both have advised that she is struggling because she just doesn't feel well. Her not feeling well 24/7 makes her feel anxious about how she can keep herself safe. So she is looking to us to help her feel safe. Rick and I understand, and it can be frustrating, but it is a small blip in her life. We do what we can and love her with all we have.
The beginning was rocky but the end turned out great. Rick got his Father's Day present in the mail. A remote control helicopter. He and Maggie had a lot of fun testing it out. It was a quiet and calm night. We had dinner, did bath time, relaxed with some cuddles and Strawberry Shortcake and tucked her into bed. At the end of the day it was all okay. Maggie still doesn't feel well but I know in my heart I have done all I can. I will probably cycle through all those emotion again as we search for an answer. Under it all though, there is a strength and serenity. No fear/anxiety needed. I need to keep the positive, let go and have faith.
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