Gratitude

My facebook status sums up how I feel about life today - "When you are grateful fear disappears and abundance appears." It is a quote by Anthony Robbins (I have no idea who that is). I found it while looking through different quote websites and it jumped out at me. I am a creature of fear and anxiety. I have lived with it all of my life. I have been overwhelmed and swallowed up by it. I have tried to hide from it and out run it only to be slowly taken over by it. It has brought me to tears, caused me to scream in anger/frustration or just kept me up night after night. Anxiety/fear has been my master and I have suffered from all of its minions - panic attacks, anxiety attacks and plain frozen in fear.

The last couple of months have been very different. If history held true I would be surrounded by my fears and overloaded with anxiety. But instead I am full of joy, calmness and gratitude. Our journey since April has been hard at times and frustrating at others. I have had my moments of sadness, anger, nervousness and even some fear. The difference is that I haven't stayed there in those moments or feelings. They are just feelings that passed as quickly as they came. I was able to remember all the gifts and blessings. To look at the positives and silver linings.

One rather large part is the gratitude I feel for each moment and part of my life. I even feel a small bit of gratitude for the primary immune deficiency and the journey it has taken us on. I have learned so much, my faith has grown so deep and we have met so many special people along the way. It is now clear to me that God has a plan and I may never know what that is. That I suppose is where the faith comes in. In any case, within His plan He blesses us in so many ways along our path.

I grew up believing in God and certainly my faith has had its up and downs over the years. I have watched others struggle with and embrace God in their own way. I guess I never questioned He was there. But I never truly felt His presence as I have the past month or so. I consistently have this warmth in my heart and this peace that surrounds me. It is not all the time and I can never say when the moment will hit. I just know that many times in the past 30 days I have experienced it. Today Rick and I took the kids to the zoo. It started to pour and Maggie, who was soaking wet, told me she was "really" not feeling well. We got some McDonalds for lunch and pulled the wagon into the crowded lunch hut. The kids ate in the wagon and we hunched in a corner. Usually I would feel annoyed or irritated. Instead I looked at my family and a warmth filled my heart and soul. I was so grateful for them that tears began to well up in my eyes.

Those are the moments I am overwhelmed, not by fear, but by the love and blessings in my life. I may have a little girl who is struggling with a chronic condition. But she is also the same little girl who was giggling at the pink flamingos and skipping in the rain. Rick and I may have stressed out moments over finances or household things but our love is strong and deep. Ricks may frustrate me when he hits or runs away but he is the person who can make me laugh the hardest with his silliness. I also am lucky enough to have close friends who are like family and new friends who have been so supportive. My life is full of good stuff and good people.

God is amazing! He has taken this anxiety-ridden girl and given her the strength to be a strong mom, wife, friend and woman. I cannot put into words the feelings in my heart and soul. If I did this post would take hours to write and to read. All I know is that in my most darkest moments this past 8 weeks I have felt His shining light and love. And for that I will be forever grateful.