Shout It Out

A memo to my husband:

I know you hate emails and blogs but I am sometimes better at expressing myself when I write. And yes I am forcing you to read this as I did my previous letter. It is all part of my charm : ) I also want to shout it out to the world (or at least the few who happen to read my blog) that you are the most awesome husband a woman could ever hope for.

We have had our share of ups and downs. Lately we hit a few bumps along the way with life happening as life tends to do. There were moments we were not very patient or kind with each other. We snapped and sniped about the everyday and the not so everyday moments. It was not the life we wanted or promised in October of 2005 as we said those vows in front of family and friends.

In those same vows we promised for better or worse. So this was one of the "worse" moments and we had a decision of which way to go. You stood tall and stepped up. Together we talked, not only about what was best for us, but what was best for our children. The past couple of months, you have worked hard to do whatever you can to make the worse into the better. I have watched you change and grow. You have faced some fears and challenges with courage and strength.

When I tried to explain to someone about where we were at I had a hard time. I just couldn't find the right words to verbalize how our relationship has changed. It is no longer that "head over heels"/"you complete me" place. I tried talking about the connection/emotion part but I just couldn't quite put my finger on it. Last night and today when we talked it popped into my head like a light bulb. You are, and have been since the moment we started, my best friend. I know you feel the same because of our talks and our song (Best Friend by Queen).

When we met and fell in love I had expectations of what "love" and "marriage" was. I watched my family and friends, putting the same expectations on us. That was were I went wrong. On this journey I have learned that we are very different from all those I have seen or experienced. We are not the mushy love or cuddly love. I don't ever feel we will fit into that overemoting (although I am a bit overemotional sometimes). I don't see us in that category of the couples who are "so in love". Our relationship is built on friendship so deep and so connected. I don't make sense without you because you somehow ground me. Our love is a deep-rooted strength that just is. It keeps me safe, confident and strong. It is comfortable and warm. We will hit rough waters again but I know that what we have built is strong enough to hold us together. No matter what comes our way we will face it and grow stronger.

I love you with all that I am. You are my rock, my sense and my safe haven. I know that no matter what I say or do, in the end it is your arms that will make it all better.

Love,

Suzi

Support and Encouragement

The past couple of days have been a bit rough. Ricks' appointment through me for a loop and Maggie has had a tough couple of days. This morning she spent over an hour on the couch because her head hurt. She cried a bit and just "needed a rest". I have felt a bit down, overwhelmed and exhausted. Even so, I have done all the footwork I can and handed the rest to God.

I am so grateful for the special people God has placed in my life. I have gotten great support from friends. People have understood and encouraged. Tonight I had a conversation with a friend who reminded me of all the growth I have gone through. She reminded how the fear and anxiety used to take over. I thought about all those days where the fear gripped my stomach and didn't let go. Today, even though it wasn't one of my best, I felt a peace and calmness. I know that whatever happens it will all be okay. So even in my darkest moments, there is still a light of hope.

The best part of the past 24 hours is my husband. Rick and I are very different people. I am the feeler and he is the thinker. Sometimes it is hard to communicate especially during stressful times. With some work and commitment, we have been learning how to change our patterns. The reward for hard work has been the past 24 hours. I have struggled and Rick has been there. We work as a team and stay positive. Without his love and support, things would have felt much worse.

Tonight I feel much more optimistic. I have used the tools I have, leaned on others and relied on my faith. The equilibrium has returned!

Counting

10 weeks and counting.....10 weeks of head pain, fevers, medicine, tears and frustration.....10 weeks of hope, prayers, faith and strength.....10 weeks of looking for answers or plans or something to make it better.....10 weeks of a broken hearts as it continues.....10 weeks of challenges and growth.....10 weeks of support, listening ears and new friends.....10 weeks and no resolution......10 weeks.

Autoimmune

I don't even where to start tonight. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to blog but it always seems to help. Ricks went to Dr. T today for his "red ear" issue. When we went before it was mentioned that it could be an autoimmune disease. Today after further discussion and an exam, Dr. T is feeling it is most likely an autoimmune disease. He rattled off some name and in the past I would have written down for research later. Right now I will just go with his explanation of what "may" be happening. Ricks' immune system may be attacking the cartilage in his body, more specifically his ears.

I am overwhelmed in so many ways. How do you process that your 2 year old's immune system is basically attacking his body? I can't even begin to think of what all of this "could" mean in the future. I will put that aside until we have further information. Selfishly, my gut felt as if I had been punched in the stomach. This is one more thing I have to learn about, manage and parent through. It is one more doctor/specialist I need to communicate with and more medicine to dispense. Some days I wonder how I can do what I do now? How do I continue to manage it all now? So the thought of adding on more condition and all it brings sends me into overdrive?

The best part is Maggie's favorite nurse, Nicole, asked how Mags was. Dr. T overheard me saying she is struggling and feeling worse. My feeling it is because she is no longer on a consistent regime of ibuprofen. The Tyenol I have been giving her has been useless and she is feeling the pain. I told Dr. T I am not sure it is even worth it to bring her back to him because there is not much more he can do. He agreed and said her next stop is the ENT. At the same time, I could see his mind working over the information on the ibuprofen. He told me that if Ricks' blood test show an autoimmune concern, we need to test Maggie. After all this time, it could be because of an autoimmune? One more option and hope we may figure out how to get rid of her crazy head pain!

I forgot to mention what we are doing about this autoimmune issue. Today we went from Dr. T to the lab so Ricks' could give 3 vials of blood. The results come back in a week and we meet with Dr. T on Tuesday. If there is a concern, we head to a rheumatologist to find out the next step. There is nothing I can do at the moment. I have taken all the needed steps and we wait for the answers. I am still going a bit crazy and feeling a bit scared. The emotions in my heart are hitting my stomach and sticking in my throat. It feels a bit big to have 2 kids (actually my 2 babies) with some pretty big medical questions out there.

Thank God for His strength and presence. I just trying to be and know in my heart He has my back. He is holding us all in the palm of His hand. I don't need to worry but to have faith that it will all turn out as it will. Even if we get the worst news possible, God will be there to walk us through. The key to serenity is not to worry about the future and all the what ifs. They will come in time. I have to just stay in the present and chose life. I can't control the tests or the outcomes but I can live my life with gratitude for the blessings and gifts. My kids may have major medical concerns or procedures on the horizon but for today I will just love them up. All of that "stuff" is not as important as providing them a happy and stable family. Let go and let God as they say! Tonight I do my basic retreat when we get medical news that throws me for a loop - a bath, some prayer/mediation and a good night's sleep. Tomorrow I enjoy a day full of playing and laughing with these 2 amazing kids God blessed me with : )

So In Love

Tonight I am hanging here with the kids as they chill out before bedtime. All the "routine" stuff is done and they are settling in to an "oldie but goodie" Dora. Rick is out with a friend and I actually have a quiet minute. It has been a busy weekend! Last night we went to the drive-in to watch Cars 2. It was supposed to be a date night for just Rick and me. After we realized that Cars came out, we decided to make it a family night. I was excited but not 100% sure how the night would go. In the end, it was great and the kids did awesome.

Today we rolled out of bed after 9 because we didn't get home until midnight. Everyone was a tad bit tired today but it was worth it. Rick took Maggie's toddler bed down and put up her big girl bed. I was a bit resistant due to the nostalgic side of it. Didn't I just put my baby girl into her crib on our first night home? The process took a trip to BJ's and Target. Finally, it was all done and set up. Maggie is so excited and happy with her new set up. My nostalgia was replaced by a smile from all her excitement.

So at the end of today I feel a tad bit emotional. Yes it could be from being a tad bit tired, the switch in bed or just the reality of my life. I can't say it any other way than I am so in love with these 3 people who I live with. Each one of them touches my heart and soul so deeply but in their own way. I have to catch my breath and as I do I feel this well up of emotion touch my soul. My family is my life and my oasis. There is no place I would rather be than with them. I thank God everyday that I was chosen to be Rick's wife and Mommy to the 2 best babies in the universe - Maggie and Ricky. It is an AWESOME gift and miracle!

Appreciation

In the craziness of our life, sometimes we forget to appreciate all the good. We don't stop appreciate the many blessings and people that God has placed in our lives. Rick and I have made it a priority to appreciate each other more. It has been easy to recognize the big gestures but some days the little ones get lost in the shuffle. We made a pact to start noticing and verbalizing how much those "little" things mean to us. For example, Rick unloaded the dishwasher while I took Maggie to gymnastics. That made my lunch process so much easier. I did the night dishes while Rick finished a paper. This way he didn't have to stop his studying or do them at 1 in the morning. More importantly is the the support and appreciation Rick has given me when I have struggled as a Mom. The hugs and reminders that he feels I am the best Mom in the world have meant everything. Today he shared that the encouragement and appreciation of his efforts at school have helped him during some more trying moments.

This appreciation effort is also important for the kids. As parents, we have tried to verbalize the positive and take note of any efforts. We acknowledge with much excitement when Ricks has tried a new food. He didn't eat them but he at least put them in his mouth for a taste test. We happily gave high fives to Maggie for using her "big girl" words instead of whining to ask for something and not throw a temper tantrum. At the end of the day as I tuck Maggie into bed or kiss Ricks good night, I try to mention one thing that I have noticed that is positive. I tell them how proud I am of them and how proud they should be of themselves. Maggie has really bloomed in her own way with the recognition. I am not sure Ricks gets it but he will.

It gets hard sometimes to slow down or even feel positive enough to do it but the end result is worth it. Lately, the house has really had a positive feel to it. It doesn't mean we don't have bad moments where we struggle (Monday morning) but we recover more quickly. Today was an awesome day of just being present and having fun. The only way I can verbalize it is that the more positive we have gotten, the less crabbiness has reared its ugly head (at least for Mom & Dad). And when Rick and I have a better attitude it rubs off on Maggie and Ricks. Life just flows better, calmness prevails and in the end we reach our goal - a house full of happiness and love!

Rough Start.... Great End

This morning was a very rough start for us. Maggie woke up feeling very sick and crabby. She needed constant Mom and tlc. I couldn't leave her side or else she melted down. She cried for me, for Daddy and just because she didn't feel well. We have backed off the ibuprofen for fear of rebound headaches. The past 24 hours or so Maggie has had fevers and her head pain is worse. I guess the ibuprofen was working and it masked the fact she still had fevers and how bad the pain was. Today has to have been the worst morning we have had in awhile. Maggie struggled and I struggled right along with her.

I think I can honestly say I went through a barrage of emotions in a few short hours. I was angry (at God, the infection, PI, the doctors, myself....), sad and heartbroken, overwhelmed and plain out powerless. I talked to a couple people but it didn't help. My prayers were flying up to God. Actually, it was more like a conversation than praying. I asked God a lot of questions and even swore once or twice. I cried for a couple minutes here and there. I cried because this sucks. I cried because I can't make it better now. I cried because there are Mom's out there who are dealing with much bigger and sadder concerns.

The doctor called back with a message to give Maggie acetaminophen sparingly. He really wants to avoid those rebound headaches. And if she gets worse, I take her back in next week. I had people question and wonder why I don't take her for another opinion. I feel as if people think I am crazy because my kid is so sick and it seems we are just sitting here waiting. Trust me, I feel frustrated with this plan at times too. I also understand the why's of it and that other people don't. It is what we have to do as hard as it is. One important lesson I have learned recently is I can do hard. And I can love and support my child so she can do hard.

Maggie's bad head day led to a bad emotional morning. She is experiencing some severe anxiety about being separated from Rick and I. After a few conversations with both her regular pediatrician and her developmental pediatrician, we have a good idea of what is going on. They both have advised that she is struggling because she just doesn't feel well. Her not feeling well 24/7 makes her feel anxious about how she can keep herself safe. So she is looking to us to help her feel safe. Rick and I understand, and it can be frustrating, but it is a small blip in her life. We do what we can and love her with all we have.

The beginning was rocky but the end turned out great. Rick got his Father's Day present in the mail. A remote control helicopter. He and Maggie had a lot of fun testing it out. It was a quiet and calm night. We had dinner, did bath time, relaxed with some cuddles and Strawberry Shortcake and tucked her into bed. At the end of the day it was all okay. Maggie still doesn't feel well but I know in my heart I have done all I can. I will probably cycle through all those emotion again as we search for an answer. Under it all though, there is a strength and serenity. No fear/anxiety needed. I need to keep the positive, let go and have faith.

Journaling

This blog has become a bit of a journal for me. It is a place to open my heart and soul after a full day. I relish it and sometimes can't wait for the quiet moments I have to type a few words. My life has changed a lot in the past year and a half. There have been new things to learn and manage. Not to mention new people who have come into my life. Today I have been thinking of how blessed I am to have had all these experiences. I reviewed some the of the posts even from the beginning of this blog. My heart filled with gratitude as I reread some.

Life can be hard and challenging. I think we definitely have hit a few obstacles all the long the way. But somehow God takes care of us and send angels to help and support us. Lately I have just felt so full and blessed in my life. There is no need for grand overtures or mushy sentiment. Life is just good! My Girl is struggling medically and that sucks. But she is strong, happy, smart and amazing. My Little Man is growing by leaps and bounds. Every day he has more words and is more independent. Of course yesterday's post says everything I need to about my husband. We have a strong and loving family. God is present with us and guiding us along the way.

I don't think I have ever had a point in my life where I could say there was a peaceful happiness. Anxiety always snuck in with it's buddy fear. Or I was wanting or needing something more in my life. I was competing and comparing with all of those around me. Today I feel that peaceful happiness. I look around and don't want or need for anything else. And as far as comparing/competing, there is no need because my life is perfect for me. I don't worry much about what others think of me or how others are judging me. I just don't have time or energy for it. If the relationship feels bad or toxic, I need to address it or move on.

At the end of each day I look forward to my blog and mediation/prayer time. It settles me, grounds me and reminds me of all the blessings in my life. Things are not perfect every moment but when the sun sets it was all as it should be. I know that God is directing the ship and I just need to cruise along with him. He needs me to do the next right thing and utilize the tools He has blessed me with. They say all things change in time. I just enjoy this peace while it lasts.

A Letter to my Husband

Dear Rick,

I know I will have to coerce you to read this because it is on the blog. I realize you detest all things like the blog and facebook. That is only one of our differences. We are 2 very different people. You are the even-keeled, cognitive one and I am the emotional volcano. I emote and you act. These differences can drive me crazy but I also think they are a part of why we work.

From the beginning of meeting I have known you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I love you from the deepest parts of my heart and soul. You were so polite, kind and steady. It was like finding a life preserver in the middle of a storm. Or a rock on a sandy, windswept beach. I grabbed on and felt anchored and safe.

The past 8 years have been quite a journey. One wedding day and 2 kids later and you are still my best friend. We have laughed, loved, fought and supported each other. Even in the past couple of years when tensions were high, you hung tough with me. One thing we do have in common is our commitment to the vows we took on October 15, 2005. We said for better and worse that day. And when we hit the worse, you stayed and held on. You did not turn and walk or give up. We promised each other to make it better and do whatever was needed. You recommitted to me, our marriage and family.

I am a horrible housekeeper and you forgive that about me on a daily basis. You always tell me my dinners are great even when I know they are passable. And you do half, sometimes more, of the cleaning around this house. You even clean the bathroom at midnight because you are sick of waiting for me to do it. I know that you are always there to keep the cars running and fix whatever breaks around here. You are our Handy Daddy!

Most importantly, you are an awesome father. Maggie thinks the world of you. She watches all you do with amazement. She is so proud that her Dad can build or fix anything. She knows you are there for her anytime on any day. With all she has gone through, giving her that love and stability is bigger than any gift or toy. Ricky is so much like you. He is always looking for how things work or playing with that button or switch. I look at him and see the same sparkle in his eye (or is that mischievous twinkle?).

When things got tough, we both agreed to do what we can to make it better. It was important to us both to provide a loving, healthy and stable home for our kids. In the process, I have fallen more in love with you. I have always seen the wonderful sweet man with such strength under your cool exterior. That man is the person I see more and more these days. I don't always make it easy but you always understand. I feel like you don't just love the good in me but the nasty dark side that sneaks out on my worst days. With you I am home!

My love and life, we started down this journey as friends way back in 2003. I know in my heart that we will continue through all life's up and downs together. It isn't always easy (you know life on life terms) but together we can figure it out. I may not always show you but I know without you I would be lost. You are my heart and soul. I love you now and forever.

Suzi

Happiness

A friend (you know who you are)recently had a post on her blog called "Happiness is". Since that day I have been constantly singing the song "Happiness is" from Peanuts. I even had to look it up on youtube. When we took a walk this afternoon I sang some of my own verses to Ricky. I decided to put those in my blog tonight and a couple extra. So here we go:

Happiness is:

Loving my husband
My 2 precious children
Waking up to Ricky's sweet voice on the monitor
Maggie cuddling up with me in the morning for a few more snoozes
Counting the stairs with Ricks as we walk down them
Listening to Maggie sing as she plays
Eating breakfast together
Swinging with my children
Watching them run and play in the sun
Making cookies with Maggie
Ricky and Bear (this counts at least 10 times)
Reading Goodnight Moon twice (once for each night night)
Hugging my babies
Getting hugs from my babies
The familiar and comforting smell of my babies as they cuddle up
Sharing and talking about God with Maggie
Reading Ricks his favorite book (The ABC's of Halloween) even though it is July
Listening to Maggie's giggle
Seeing the sparkle in Ricks' eyes
Watching Rick and Maggie as they walk ahead engrossed in some conversation
Holding hands with Ricks as we follow behind
Ignoring mounds of laundry, floors to clean and dust to just be present with the kids
Spending time cuddling with Rick
Talking and sharing with Rick when we have our time to chat
Walking by and giving my husband a random hug
Tweaking Rick's toosh
Listening to Rick and Maggie as they brush teeth at night
Watching my husband with the kids - who knew how awesome he would be
Maggie's pride that her Daddy built her a swingset from our deck
Seeing the complete adoration (both ways) as Maggie cuddles up with Rick
Quiet time after both kids are in bed and Rick is studying
A night out to myself for a pedicure and some Starbucks
Time spent with friends
Some moments to touch base with myself
Curling up with a good book or magazine
Finding out more about who I am
Exploring, strengthening and deepening my relationship with God
Quiet moments of mediation and conversation with God
Listening to my heart and God's voice
Being grateful for the angels God has placed in our lives
Becoming confident in who I am not only as a woman but as a mother
Prioritizing and not wasting energy on people, relationships or experiences
Smiling and laughing
Summer and relaxing
Watching an episode of Glee or General Hospital
Playing Germ Tag with my kids
Holding Rick's hand
Laying my head on Rick's shoulder as I watch my kids quietly play or read books
Giving kisses and hugs goodnight
Watching Dora with Ricks
Counting the stars with Maggie before bed
Exploring the world and watching Ricky learn something new everyday
Ricky and his exploding vocabulary
Coloring and doing art with the kids
Going to the Big Lake (esp. to fly kites)

I could go on and on with this list but I think it is long enough for now. These are random and in no kind of order. They just flew out of my heart as I typed. Each one is special to me whether big or small. This list reminds me of how happy and grateful I am. What an awesome life I have!

The New Plan

We had Maggie's appointment with Dr. T this afternoon. I was nervous and concerned last night. My stomach was doing flips like it was Maggie in gymnastics class. My mind was full of all the "what ifs" and anxiety of the unknown. In the quiet of the night (after all little people were sound asleep and my husband studying) I read my mediation book. I quieted my mind and heart to just breath. My mind began to quiet and my fears settled down. I remembered one of my biggest tools - stay in the present. So I visualized myself putting my box of "worries" into a box and handed it over to God. I asked Him to keep them until the appointment tomorrow. I told God that if He felt I needed them, He could give them back then. Within minutes I was snoozing away.

Today was a busy and joyful day. It was the last day of Vacation Bible School and we had a lot to celebrate. Overall, it was a great week and I think everyone got a lot out of it. I loved the messages it taught Maggie:
1. God made you
2. God listens to you
3. God watches over you
4. God loves you no matter what
5. God gives good gifts
These are all important things I want her to hold on to. They are great for the rainy days when she feels under the weather or has to go through one more medical procedure. I love the 3rd point for her. I told her tonight that God is holding her in the palm of His hand until she feels better. It is funny how with all she is going through, these lessons just fell in place. Maggie took to them like a fish in water. We have had a lot of good talks about each one in the past week.

I met some great people in our faith community. My helpers were awesome! One of them is going to babysit for the kids. Another told me that if she volunteers next summer she is requesting to work with me. She was a sweet 8th grader who was so willing to do whatever I asked. Even though I griped about a 5 day early wake up and some craziness earlier in the week, I am so happy I volunteered.

I came home, fed Ricks lunch and we all laid down for a nap. I didn't even really think of the appointment until we were driving on our way. I got a great email from another zebra mom which was so supportive and helpful. The anxiety had disappeared and been replaced by an openness to what Dr. T was going to say. There was a calmness while we waited and some silliness too!

Dr. T checked Maggie out and explained all the information from the other doctors. At this time, there is no guarantee on how much sinus surgery will help Maggie. The ENT wants to make sure we have exhausted every last medical option before we take the major step of sinus surgery. So Dr. T switched up the nasal steroid Maggie is on and added Singulair. This is in the hope that the new medicine will resolve the issue. We give it a month and go back to the ENT for a reassessment. And of course if she gets sick or feels worse we dial up our favorite doctor to get in earlier.

How do I feel about all of this? I feel a calmness and trust that this is the right way to go. I appreciate the fact that both the doctors want to make sure they have covered all bases before they put Maggie through a traumatic surgery. I am grateful for an immunologist who is competent, is in invested in my children and honest in his assessment. I trust him and believe that he is doing all he can to find a resolution to help Mags feel better. I know that God put him in our life and I see Dr. T as one of those angels who help us out. I know he is a hero to Maggie. Today after we left him she told me, "Mommy Dr. T is amazing" Now that is a ringing endorsement! It sucks to see her struggle and feel sick for another 4 weeks. I wish I had a magic wand to make it all better. But I don't and I don't think anyone does. I am not sure even surgery will make that happen.

I have to hand this one over to God and have faith. The faith that He will lead us in the right direction to help Maggie. The faith that He will put those special people in our lives like Dr. T. The faith that in the hard moments, He will hold us in His hands. His presence gives me the strength and wisdom to know that the people I have chosen to lead Maggie's medical team are doing the best they can. All I need to do is to follow doctor's orders, love my baby girl and keep the prayers coming.

Not Sure What to Title This

There is a lot going through my head tonight. It was a busy day but the end turned out nice with a program at Vacation Bible School. I stepped out of my role as teacher for a few seconds and put on the Mommy hat. My eyes welled up a tiny bit as I watched my big girl up there singing away. It still leaves me breathless that this amazing girl is mine.

Tonight I put Maggie to bed and she wasn't listening. I reprimanded her on her about the situation. She told me, "Mommy I don't think my ears are working. I can see your lips moving but I don't hear your words." Alrighty then!!! I tried not to laugh and finished reminding her that she needed to listen to her Mommy. In my book that is pretty ingenious!!!

We went on to have our little VBS/God discussion. This seems to be a nightly thing this week. It warms my heart to hear how much she loves God and all the questions she has about Him. There is this magical awe she has whenever she starts to talk about God. It is the innocence of a child and I hope she can hold to even a small sliver of this throughout her life.

Now for the stress part of my day. The immunologist wants us to meet with him about what has been happening with her. Dr. T has talked to all the other doctors involved and wants to check back with us. I am so nervous that they are going to tell us to keep doing what we are doing. Here I have a 4 year old with constant head pain for the past 2 months so I don't want to hear wait and see. I want answers or a resolution. I don't want her to have to have surgery but I want her to one day this summer feel 100%. It seems like that will never happen for my girl. Plus I remembered she had blood work taken so the results of that should be in. I always hate the process of getting the results back. It makes me worry that they will tell us something is worse or there is something new.

My stomach is in knots and I am emotionally charged. I was supposed to take Ricks to Dr. T tomorrow but after conferring with Rick we made a change. We both feel we have to handle Maggie's concern first because it is more pressing. Ricks can wait a couple of weeks before we take him in. I have to finish up so I can head up to bed. I need to do my prayer and mediation. I keep reminding myself to hand it over to God. I tell myself He has it covered. Stay in the present. Worry about tomorrow when it is tomorrow. All of those sayings that help me stay sane are running through my head. I will just hold on to my prayers and faith even as the fears wash over me. I know that the water may be choppy but my life preserver is strong and will hold me.

St. Therese

Catholics have this thing with saints. Sometimes we identify with one or latch on to another for a bunch of different reasons. Growing up my Mom always talked about St. Therese. She is the saint of little ways. I warmed to her and felt some kind of connection. A saint is like a heavenly friend who you can talk to, prays for you and helps you out. It is said that they intercede with God for you. With that in mind, I identified with her and her life story. I picked Therese as my confirmation name and started praying to her on and off throughout my life.

In some very dark times I have prayed to St. Therese (along with my Mom). I will tell you that during all of those time, God answered our prayers. I feel like she definitely had something do with it. It is said that she send you a single rose to let you know your prayers will be answered. I have received a single rose more than a couple of times and sure enough the answer was not far behind. So when I got pregnant and had been praying incessantly to her, the answer was simple. Maggie's middle name would be Therese.

Therese is our special saint around here. Since Maggie was a newborn I have talked and shared with her about St. Therese. I love the idea of serving God in little ways and wanted to pass that on to Maggie in her faith. She was an amazing woman of faith, trust and strength. All virtues I hope Maggie develops and holds on to.

In Vacation Bible School today we got a card with information about Saint Therese. It had never occurred to me that Saint Therese suffered many medical ailments throughout her life. This never slowed her down or made her question her faith. The card we got said, "She trusted that God was always with her even when she became sick" WHAM!!!!! How amazing it is to me that that one point is so important to me lately and here it is on my favorite saint's card. If there is anything I want Maggie to hold on to in her life it is God loves her and is always with her. Her road might get bumpy and she may struggle but she is NEVER alone.

I am so blessed to have God put special people, even saints, in my life. Saint Therese is always present to help me and now to guide my baby girl. I just can't put into words how full of God's love and care I feel right now. May St. Therese continue to share with God our love and needs. And may He continue to bless us in so many ways.

Keep Learning

I believe I may be getting more out of Vacation Bible School than any of the kids I am teaching. Each night I sit down with the lesson for tomorrow and read it over. I say a prayer and ask God to direct me. Every night I have come out with a lesson for my self or a reminder about my faith. Tonight I was reading our lesson on "God Loves You" It was talking about forgiveness which is something I am not very good at. I can be a grudge holder and work hard on trying to change that. So this reminder hit me right in the character defect.

Today I had a "moment" with someone who has become somewhat of a mentor spiritually as a Mom. It was hurtful and I was already having a rough moment. I don't believe she meant to be mean or bitchy but she was. There was a miscommunication and instead of approaching me with kindness, she chewed me out a bit. I admit I was a bit stunned and taken aback. I tried not to internalize it and know that what I had done was not what was presented. After a couple minutes I approached her and apologized for not having let her know what happened. She felt a bit blindsided by an event and I told her I was sorry. She did not seem that receptive at the moment.

I think by the end of the morning we were better able to communicate about the miscoomunication. In all honesty, I think she was having a real bad day, possibly a bad week. It has been crazy at camp and she is already overdone and overworked. I don't think it was about me at all. Just a molehill that blew up a tiny bit because of frayed nerves and frustration. So I feel like why bother to be angry or hurt when it truly just isn't about me. And if it is a little because she feels I was wrong, I annoyed her or she just doesn't like me, it is not my problem. I did what I needed to do and all the major players agree.

Maybe I am growing and getting a bit better about this forgiveness thing? Or maybe I am just better at prioritizing my life and being less self-centered? Either way it certainly makes life happier and more enjoyable : )

Grow or Shrink?

One of the points in tomorrow's lesson plan for Vacation Bible School is God watches over you. The lesson asks if when you experience a time of difficulty does your faith or belief in God shrink or grow? This is an awesome question to me. In the past I feel like difficult times may have shrunk my faith or just pushed it aside. The past year I feel like life has challenged me and in return my faith has grown in so many ways. The past 2 months has been an quiet explosion of faith and God in my life. I have always felt there was a God and in the past few years felt God was present in my life. Now I just feel faith-filled and safe in God's presence. I was glad to volunteer to teach this week at Vacation Bible School. I just never could have guessed I would get so much out of the lessons I was planning.

God Listens

Tonight I was planning my lesson for Vacation Bible School. One of the parts of the lesson is God listens not only to your prayers but to your heart. Another part was that not only does God listen but he answers prayers. Sometimes He answers them in unexpected ways. What a lesson! I love it!

I can think of so many points in my life that God answered prayers in a way that I didn't even see coming. Some of those moments I didn't even know what I was praying for or that I was even praying. God just took a peak in my heart and soul and sent an answer or angel to help me out.

One example is 5 years ago when my heart was broken and my soul in pain. All I wanted was a to get pregnant. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, I knew was pregnant and I felt like God had completely blown off my desire to be a Mom. I had been trying since Rick and I got married the October before. I had tried everything, read everything and charted everything. My outcome was always the same - a negative on the pregnancy test. Here I was beginning and pleading with God for a baby and all I was getting was a big fat nothing. In July and August of 2006 some things happened which slowed me down and changed my attitude. I suppose I let go of my obsession to get pregnant and focused on other things. BINGO - Labor Day weekend of 2006 I found out I was pregnant.

The lessons I learned were to let go and let God. Plus that God answers my prayers in His own time and in His own way. If I had gotten pregnant any other time, in any other month - Maggie wouldn't be Maggie. That moment in time created my miracle with all her DNA, spunk and quirks. God always knows best and I always forget.

My 2nd experience is that 3 years ago I felt like my life was missing something. I had a wonderful husband and a beautiful daughter. All was great but somehow there was still this space in my soul. I prayed to God for direction. Did I need to get a job? Volunteer? What did I need to do? God answered my prayer with a positive pregnancy test. Eight months later Ricky made his grand debut and somehow that hole was filled. All that time I was waiting for this little bundle of energy and joy. We had decided not to have anymore kids and I fretted for a bit about the dynamics of it all. Once I held him in my arms I knew that this was meant to be. My family was complete and Ricks was the last piece of the puzzle.

Of course, so many times in the past year or so, God has answered my prayers. Primary Immune Deficiency can bring me to my knees fast. And there have been times I wondered if God was just busy because he wasn't moving fast enough on the answer. But in His time and way He has answered each prayer. Sometimes He answers them by sending an angel to help or support us through a hard time. Sometimes it is a diagnosis or test result. And sometimes it is just a moment of peace or joy. I can't tell you how many times I have felt overwhelmed, sad or frustrated only to be lifted out of it by one of my kids' laugh or smile.

God is always there watching over us. He is present in our lives in every moment. He hears each thought, prayer or concern. I have complete confidence that even when I don't know or understand, He will answer. I just have to have faith!

Energy

I need some energy to finish off the to do list I didn't finish today. Unfortunately it isn't going to happen. It is an early morning so we can get to Vacation Bible School. Even Mr. Ricks is going. I am not sure how that is all going to turn out. He spent most of today curled up in my lap and not leaving my side. I will say many prayers tonight that the separation for a couple hours isn't to traumatic (on me)! It sounds like the troops are quieted down and sleeping finally. I have decided to shelve the to dos and head off to bed. Good night and God bless!

Tired of Being Sick

My little Miss Maggie has stated bluntly today how she feels about being sick. We were running a couple of errands and she told me, "Momma, my head hurts worse today." I empathized and promised ibuprofen when we got home. I apologized for her having such troubles. Maggie said, "Mommy that's okay but I am tired of my head hurting. I want to get all better." My heart broke a little. "I know sweetie" I said, "It must be hard to feel sick all the time." Her response, "Mommy it makes me so tired and frustrated. I just feel so sad." My heart broke right open.

I have mentioned we are seeing some fraying at the edges from her. The temper tantrums and the minimal patience have increased. Not to mention the separation anxieties and the new fear that something might happen to Rick or me when we leave her. So my sweet girl has had enough and there is no end in sight. As her Mom, I am heart broken and frustrated. I wish I could wave a wand and make it all better. The reality is I can't and it may take time to resolve the situation.

That leaves me with two priorites. First I must love and give Mags all the tlc she needs to help her manage through this. It is my job as her parent to teach her how to walk through this as successfully and happily as possible. Most importantly, I have to consistently remind her she is safe and we are safe. She can be as anxious as her Mother. I don't want her to repeat my mistakes so I will try to give her the tools I never had.

Second, I have to act and annoy to get these docs moving. I want answers and right away! So on Monday the calls start and I will do whatever I need to get an answer. I want to make sure we do all we can to help her feel better as soon as possible. I am putting on my "Mama Bear" and here we go.

Gratitude

My facebook status sums up how I feel about life today - "When you are grateful fear disappears and abundance appears." It is a quote by Anthony Robbins (I have no idea who that is). I found it while looking through different quote websites and it jumped out at me. I am a creature of fear and anxiety. I have lived with it all of my life. I have been overwhelmed and swallowed up by it. I have tried to hide from it and out run it only to be slowly taken over by it. It has brought me to tears, caused me to scream in anger/frustration or just kept me up night after night. Anxiety/fear has been my master and I have suffered from all of its minions - panic attacks, anxiety attacks and plain frozen in fear.

The last couple of months have been very different. If history held true I would be surrounded by my fears and overloaded with anxiety. But instead I am full of joy, calmness and gratitude. Our journey since April has been hard at times and frustrating at others. I have had my moments of sadness, anger, nervousness and even some fear. The difference is that I haven't stayed there in those moments or feelings. They are just feelings that passed as quickly as they came. I was able to remember all the gifts and blessings. To look at the positives and silver linings.

One rather large part is the gratitude I feel for each moment and part of my life. I even feel a small bit of gratitude for the primary immune deficiency and the journey it has taken us on. I have learned so much, my faith has grown so deep and we have met so many special people along the way. It is now clear to me that God has a plan and I may never know what that is. That I suppose is where the faith comes in. In any case, within His plan He blesses us in so many ways along our path.

I grew up believing in God and certainly my faith has had its up and downs over the years. I have watched others struggle with and embrace God in their own way. I guess I never questioned He was there. But I never truly felt His presence as I have the past month or so. I consistently have this warmth in my heart and this peace that surrounds me. It is not all the time and I can never say when the moment will hit. I just know that many times in the past 30 days I have experienced it. Today Rick and I took the kids to the zoo. It started to pour and Maggie, who was soaking wet, told me she was "really" not feeling well. We got some McDonalds for lunch and pulled the wagon into the crowded lunch hut. The kids ate in the wagon and we hunched in a corner. Usually I would feel annoyed or irritated. Instead I looked at my family and a warmth filled my heart and soul. I was so grateful for them that tears began to well up in my eyes.

Those are the moments I am overwhelmed, not by fear, but by the love and blessings in my life. I may have a little girl who is struggling with a chronic condition. But she is also the same little girl who was giggling at the pink flamingos and skipping in the rain. Rick and I may have stressed out moments over finances or household things but our love is strong and deep. Ricks may frustrate me when he hits or runs away but he is the person who can make me laugh the hardest with his silliness. I also am lucky enough to have close friends who are like family and new friends who have been so supportive. My life is full of good stuff and good people.

God is amazing! He has taken this anxiety-ridden girl and given her the strength to be a strong mom, wife, friend and woman. I cannot put into words the feelings in my heart and soul. If I did this post would take hours to write and to read. All I know is that in my most darkest moments this past 8 weeks I have felt His shining light and love. And for that I will be forever grateful.

Gut Instinct

Maggie had her appointment with the neurologist today. As I suspected, the doctor feels she is not experiencing migraines or any neurological concerns. Her feeling is that the headaches or pressure is caused by her sinus concerns. AMEN!!!!!

So with that step taken, we can move on to making the decisions on how to help Maggie feel better. Today at the doctor Maggie told me, "Mommy I am tired of feeling sick. It makes me sad that my head hurts." And to finish the conversation, "I don't want to go to doctors." I empathized with her that it must be sad to feel sick for such a long time and maybe even make her feel angry. I feel like even she is getting to the end of her rope on this situation.

That leaves me as a Mom with a mission. I am going to start calling and pestering the ENT and Dr. T. I want to find out what our next step is and when we can do it. I want to do all I can to try and figure out how to help her feel better. I know this maybe chronic and she may not feel well for a long time. At the same time, I want to make sure we are working on it somehow. I owe that to Maggie and to the rest of us.

I am getting pretty confident in my gut instinct. I have usually been right on how real or serious something is with my kids. I suppose that I am lucky to be so connected with them. Someone once commented on how well I know my kids. Of course I know them well because they are my loves. I am completely enamored of them and raising them is my honor and current career. Matter of fact, I frequently find myself thanking God for making me the luckiest Mom in the universe. How would I be so happy or joyful without my blessings racing around, frustrating me and making me laugh? They are my light and my love!

Overload

I just finished filling out a huge pile of paperwork for Maggie's appointment with the neurologist tomorrow. It is these moments when I have to organize, list and sort through the past year or so of our life that I get overwhelmed. I had to answer a huge list of questions about Maggie from in utero until present. I am reminded of how sick she has been and our journey the past year. It always amazes me how much she has gone through in such a short time. Most importantly, I always come away feeling grateful for the huge list of blessings I am reminded of.

I am a bit scared about the appointment. It is another specialist who will have a huge list of questions. Plus the basic exam and possible tests she will want to run. I just want to get this next step over with so we can move on. Poor Maggie struggles every day with her head hurting. It exhausts her but she still keeps on with her spunk and sparkle. The edges are starting to fray a bit and she is showing signs of the stress. The child who never naps is now sleeping during quiet time. There are a few more temper tantrums and a struggle with separating from Mom. I have spoken with her pediatrician and the developmental pediatrician for reassurance and advice. Both have shared some great ideas and empathized that the kid is going through a rough time. Sooner or later she is going to show it in some way.

Ricks is having his own medical struggles. He has been experiencing red/inflamed ears. They are pretty painful. It has caused him to lay on the floor holding his ears and rolling around in pain. There is no consoling him. We have to somehow get ibuprofen in him and wait until it takes effect. I can't seem to put rhyme or reason to why this is happening. So off to guess who to try and figure it out? If you guessed Dr. T you are right on the button.

I made an appointment with Dr. T for June 17th a couple of weeks ago when I wasn't so worried. I called today to move it up and am waiting for a call back. I am worried that Ricks has an autoimmune disorder and that is why he has the red ears and the pain. I am not sure what it all means and have tried not to read on the internet. I am scared and praying. It is hard because Maggie's medical issues are always so large and demanding. It feels as if Ricks gets pushed to the back. I joke that he suffers from "second child syndrome" I just get so tired of taking Maggie to the doctor and managing her issues that I don't jump on his as fast. I probably should have acted faster and not waited until his 3rd episode to get him in sooner. But I can only do what I can do.

So now we do the next right thing with Maggie and the neurologist. I take Ricks in to see Dr. T as soon as possible to start figuring out what is happening with him. And hopefully I get to the salon soon for my pedicure and maybe even a massage. I just keep praying and staying in the moment. It is days like these that the fear can overtake me and I feel like I can't breath. It is like my heart is in my chest and my world is spinning. But tonight I feel overloaded but safe in the knowledge that God is present. All I need to do is the next right thing and it will all turn out as it should. Now to just keep myself organized and remember all the paperwork!

Check

Just went in to check on Maggie. She woke up and sleepily looked at me while I tucked her back in her sheet. I leaned over to kiss her and she put her hands on my cheeks. She gave me a kiss and told me, "Momma you are the best Mommy ever. I love you." Then she closed her eyes and drifted back off to sleep. These are the moments I live for. This is the moment that makes this morning and every other frustrating moment disappear. I love this girl with all my heart and soul. Thank you God for blessing me with my little firework!

Behind the 8 Ball

This morning I was feeling so overloaded with the to do list. I had so much I felt should be done and organized but so little of it done. It all started with a jolt when Maggie woke me up and I realized I forgot to set the alarm. We raced to get ready for gymnastic's camp which means A LOT of nagging. Plus Rick advised me at 8:45 that he forgot he had to meet his Marketing group at 10 so he had to leave by 9. This meant Ricks had to be fed and changed to take Maggie to gymnastic's camp. I barely had time to brush my hair before it was time to jump in the car.

I walked in and saw all these Moms who "appeared" to be so much more together. Maggie had a bit of an anxiety attack due to her separation issues. She has been struggling the past month on saying goodbye. It seems to be related to all the medical stuff going on and we are doing our best to support and deal. While trying to be as patient as possible and get her in to camp, Ricks pushes a little 18 month old girl. I didn't notice until I saw the other Mom reprimanding him. I felt a bit embarrassed and quickly did my best to discipline him. Ricks did not seem to care and I was frazzled.

I got home with plans for cleaning and a nice shower. Instead I got a phone call that lead to another phone call and before I knew it was 10:45. I wanted to spend some time playing with Ricks and had to feed him lunch. Soon enough it was time to pick Maggie up. I hadn't showered or changed or got any of my cleaning done. I walked into the lobby and looked around at all the other Moms. I felt pretty yucks next to most of them. I knew they were all looking at my crazy boy and felt sorry for this Mom who couldn't even find a moment for a quick shower. Yes I was a bit paranoid and crazy!

All of that craziness because I am struggling with the basics around here of housekeeping. I may not be "put together" when I walk out the door some days. I have clean laundry piled up in the hallway and dirty dishes in my sink. You think I would have worked on it during nap time. But the truth is I was exhausted so I ate lunch and laid down on the couch. Then we had a playdate with friends, dinner and a visit from some out of town family. Finally the kids went to bed and I had some other things to do. Rick and I actually spent some time talking. It wasn't about finances, medical stuff, his school or the basics of running our house. It was a great conversation about our relationship, our present, future and love. We have struggled at some points with all the stress going on and it was nice to connect.

In the end I doubt my kids will remember the laundry baskets lining the hallway. Or that the dishes took until dinner to get cleaned. What they will remember is the time and the memories we made. I hope Maggie remembers the love and support I gave her to go in to gymnastic's camp when the anxiety seemed to take over. I hope Ricks remembers the 1/2 hour spent playing cars. That is what I want my kids to think back and hold onto. I want them to feel the love and warmth of the memories we make together. The other stuff will be there in the morning!

Just Be

It has been an exhausting weekend. I am bushed and wish I had a down day to just sleep and relax. The reality is we have an early morning tomorrow for school. It is Maggie's last week of preschool. After Tuesday, summer vacation officially starts! The first few weeks of vacation are busy with gymnastics, Vacation Bible School and a Nature Center camp. I wish I hadn't been so busy making plans. We could just sit back and enjoy the summer from the get go.

The next few weeks may be bring a lot of other craziness as we try to figure out what is happening medically with Maggie. On Thursday we have an appointment with the pediatric neurologist and we go from there. It all can seem overwhelming but I am just trying to stay in the moment.

All I want to do is just be. Just sit back and enjoy the beautiful weather. I want to be able to slow down and watch my kids as they master their new swing set. It would be awesome to just sit and listen to their laughter and chatter. We may have a lot on the calendar and I think I may have to do some rearranging. I may need to insert some more time to just be and less time for activities.

Hyped Up on Lollipops

Maggie is a tiny bit hyped up on sugar today. It was the St. Clare parish festival and we were working the lollipop game. I think she ended up having just a few to many lollipops during the 4 hours we worked. It was all fine with me though because for the first time in about a month I saw her show an excitement that had been clouded. She ran from game to game, playing and laughing. And then she would return for another turn at the lollipops. I have a bag full of cheap junk she won but it was all worth it for the laughter and smile.

When Maggie told me she wanted to go work with me at the festival I was a bit hesitant. Four hours of running a game and a four year old's patience level did not seem to go together in my mind. Even with that, I agreed and off we went. I explained the situation and warned her that to much whining or fussing and I would call Daddy to pick her up. That means no rides, no yummies and no fun after our shift ended.

I have no idea why I was so worried. She helped me run the game, ran to each booth and played all the games around us. When the afternoon sun got hot and she was a bit tired she crawled up on my lap for a quick break. Through it all she was patient and happy. It was if the sun and activity had lighted that spark that had been dampened by feeling sick. I could have cared less how many lollipops she ate, that all she at for dinner was potato chips, fries and lemonade or about the ice cream which was her appetizer. She was happy and this is a once in a while event.

So at the end of the day, she crawled into bed and told me what an happy day she had. The consequence of the sugar has her bouncing off her walls and singing herself to sleep. The happiness lingering in the note of each song she sings. As her Mom I tell her to close her eyes and go to sleep. But in my heart I am so happy to hear her joy and to have seen her revel in the fun. It was much needed for both of us!

Exhaustion

I am exhausted. Last night I was asleep by 9 and tonight I am going to bed immediately following this post. I can't even think I am so tired. I think all the crisis adrenalin is gone and the tired is catching up with me. The best part is the fun is just getting started. Maggie has an appointment with the pediatric neurologist on Thursday. I have no idea what that will mean or what we will have to do. I just know I have to have her down to Rainbow at 4 on Thursday. So I am going to crash while I can!

Get Real

I have a new favorite book! It is called Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo. It was recommended to me a couple of weeks ago and I read a few pages that were available online. I immediately wanted to read more and anxiously waited until it arrived in the mail. It was one of those books I just couldn't put down and I finished it in one day. Last night I picked it up again and started reading it for the second time.

It is an amazing story from the eyes of a father of his son's experiences in heaven. The little boy has a medical emergency which leaves him close to death. After he has recovered and throughout a significant time span, this story comes out about his visit to heaven. It just gave me chills as I read it. I chose to believe that this boy had these amazing experiences. It filled me with hope in so many ways.

The best message I took from the book (the first read through) was a person can be real with God. What a wonderful message as I walk this journey of primary immune deficiency. I can have a conversation with God where I say all that I am, feel and think. I have to admit that in my most angry moments I have even used the "f" word. To me God is like a parent who stand back and lets me vent, cry or throw my temper tantrum. When I am done He gently puts His strong arms around me and says "Now are you done?" And much like I do with my kids, He kisses my head and tells me "I love you." Like my kids, I don't always get what I want, when I want it. But I do always know He is listening.

I suppose that is the best part of my faith. God isn't some Deity sitting on a throne passing judgment. He is this amazing, loving Force who sometimes has to be tough to help me learn and grow. I grew up believing in Him but feeling He had made some major mistake with me. I was never connected to Him and felt that big hole. I endlessly tried to fill the hole with one thing or another. Today there is not gaping hole in my life. It is full with the good, the bad and the plain goofy. I thank God every day for each moment, experience and blessing I have. One of the biggest is a relationship with Him that is real, strong and always present.