Fours years ago April 30th I became a mom. I no longer was just Suzi or a friend, daughter or wife. I was Mommy. Rick placed this tiny little girl in my arms and she looked up at me with her beautiful blue eyes. I don't know if it was the drugs, hormones or just the moment but so many emotions ran through my body. I was happy, joyful, exhausted, afraid, overwhelmed, grateful and in love. I truly could not have guessed the depths of love I could feel for one little person. Three weeks later I sat on the living room floor, holding Maggie in my arms and crying. I was frozen in fear and sure that someway or somehow I was going to hurt her, lose her, kill her or just plain out traumatize her. Rick looked at me and with a concerned voice said, "We can't take her back so we just have to figure it out."
Tonight I remembered these moments as I sat on the floor next to Maggie's bed. I was watching her as she fell asleep and drinking in each moment, facial expression and breath she took. After a couple of minutes, Maggie opened one eye to check if I was still there. Sleepily she took my hand and asked me confidently, "Mommy you really love me don't you?" Yes Maggie I love you with everything in my heart and soul! With a smile I kissed her head and snuggled her one more time. I know in the past 4 years I have made mistakes, done things I wish I could take back and questioned decisions. Even with all that there is one constant I have done right - I have loved her with everything I have.
Tonight I heard someone talk about doing the next right thing today and worrying about tomorrow tomorrow. I sometimes have a hard time following that advice. Fear and anxiety take over. But when I look at that peaceful face sleeping or watch as she giggles and smiles, I know that no matter what all is perfect the way it is. I have to admit something - from the time I can remember I have longed for a little girl. All I dreamed about was having a little girl when I got married and started a family.
When my Dad was passing away, I asked him to pick out the perfect little girl for me when he got to heaven. I often think of that conversation as I watch Maggie play, read or do her gymnastics. In the bottom of my heart, I believe that my Dad listened to every word I said and picked out the "perfect" little girl for me. I know it is true because Maggie brightens my day everyday with her sunshine!
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