Yellow Still

Maggie has a new way of labeling how she feels from her therapeutic play kit. A green band aid means healthy, a yellow means a little bit sick and a red band aid means real sick. She constantly reminds us that she is a green band aid. Ricky has been working towards that green band aid since he was sick with a virus in mid January. I thought we were almost there and then BAM!

The past couple of days he seemed to be getting stuffy and was VERY cranky. He was laying his head down on his Bear a lot during play and just seemed to slow his activity. His appetite decreased but at the same time he is drooling and chewing on everything. So I determined he was probably getting in his 2 year molars. It was nothing major to worry about but some teething pain.

Today he woke from his nap an hour earlier than usual. We usually have to wake him at 3 and he woke up himself at 2. I was taking Maggie to the doctor for her tp/nose checkup but Daddy said he was very cranky when he woke up. When I gave him a hello kiss I could tell he was very warm. I took his temperature and he had a slight fever. So here we go again with a trip to the doctor to see what is going on. When I think about it my stomach knots and I want to cry.

Why can't we beat this bug? What is the deal here and what will it finally take to get him to 100%? Is there really something wrong or are is teeth the cause? I give teething credit for the crabbiness and other symptoms but the fever? Will we have to switch antibiotics? Are we running out of choices? Will Ricky need a ct scan?

I know I shouldn't get into the "whatifs". I should just stay in the present. I realize I have to hand it over to God and have the faith that it will all happen as it is supposed to. I will pray and do my meditation. In my mind I will hand Ricky over to God's hands. All is as it should be. FAITH!

That is true but when it is your baby it can be so hard. I want to hold him until he feels better. I want to hug him and squeeze all those germs out. I want to kiss him and make it so he doesn't need anymore antibiotics or tests. I want to take all the pain, illness and hard stuff away and replace it with love and laughter. I want to make it all better.

But I can't so I have to rely on God and faith. I have to hold on to the fact that God has it under control and no matter what happens tomorrow, we are okay. God may not take away the infection or the treatments but He is with us. He will hold Ricky in his hands and kiss him on the forehead with His love. He will walk with me and when needed he will carry me. When the kids have to go through uncomfortable stuff God will provide me with the strength and wisdom to do the next right thing.

The true question in my heart and soul tonight - why is it feel so hard?