Lately I have felt like I am going through some kind of metamorphosis. I believe it started within the last year and has slowly began to ebb into all areas in my life. I really have felt it with this last bout of medical stuff with Maggie. The fear was there but the anxiety was missing. That in itself is a miracle! It seems the anxiety was replaced by a faith strong and constant. I felt the presence of God and was able to let go and trust.
Recently, a lot has happened in my life. Some might say my plate is full. I have the normal stresses of life with 2 small children, working on my marriage, all the kids' medical concerns and my Mom's medical concerns. I am trying to balance all this and continue to take care of my own needs and nurture my faith. In the past this all might be crippling. At this moment, it all feels manageable and a task I am completely up for.
I have work to do to dial down the emotion and utilize more thinking. And there are certainly more areas that I need to improve on in my life. I am far from perfect. But I feel serenity and calmness today. I am confident I can handle all that is in my life. There is a strength inside me that helps me to put one foot in front of the other. For the first time in forever, I feel comfortable in my skin and truly have found an appreciation and love for who I am (warts and all).
This newfound strength and confidence is in direct result of the grace of God. He is intervened in my life and put amazing people to help me get to this place. My serenity is a blessing from Him and my strength is a miracle. There have been some tough and ugly moments in the past couple of months. In those moments, I have handed my fears and problems to God. I have done the footwork and left the results to God. Today I sat quietly watching the kids climb and cuddle with Rick as they all shared popsicles. I realized that through all that I am happy and extremely blessed. My life may not be perfect but it is perfectly unperfect. I love every person (okay most people), every part and every moment.
In the future, I will hit speed bumps, obstacles and challenges. I used to live in fear of those moments or who I would be at those moments. Today I look forward to those moments and the growth they bring with them. I want to continue to learn and change. I know God will be with me and help me navigate my way through. I just have to follow His will and listen to His guidance. It always works out as it needs to be. And I must always stay grateful for the miracles and blessings He has given me. Life is awesome and I want to praise God for all He has blessed me with!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Sibs
Once upon a time, a long time ago, I had planned on just one baby girl to finish off our family. I had my baby girl and that was all I needed. Maggie was it! I made plans and had dreams of all the things we were going to do. I didn't need anyone else but her to "complete" this family picture. Maggie was the center of our world and universe.
When Maggie was 16 months old, the pregnancy test showed the plus sign. A baby brother or sister was on the way. Maggie had no idea and no stress on the issue. I was a wreck. My plans had changed. What was I going to do? How could I manage two? Then we found out the baby was a boy. A boy! A positive because I felt Maggie might transition better to a boy. Negative because I had box after box of pink. We were blessed enough to have friends give us lots of hand me downs. I still stressed about how my baby girl was going to feel with all this change.
Jump ahead two years and I look back laughing at all the "plans" I had. God knew so much better what this family and I needed. Ricks is such a blessing to this family. He was the final piece of the puzzle to complete this crazy crew. When he looks at me with those beautiful eyes and that amazing smile, I know I am just completely in love. He is a Momma's Boy in every way and I love it. No one has ever looked at me like my son has. There is such unconditional love and acceptance in his eyes. Oh and not to mention the twinkle that shines so bright!
Ricks has made our family better and me a better Mom. Most importantly, he has made Maggie a better person. He loves her and follows her everywhere. She is one of his favorite people (next to Mommy and Bear). They fight like any siblings but they also love each other intensely. Maggie is extremely protective of him. And she is so sweet and nurturing when she bosses him around. Ricks gets so excited to play with her and finds her hilarious. I watch them play and bicker and it makes me envious that I never had a sibling so close in age.
Today I watched them belly laughing in the pool. Ricky was copying Maggie as she pretended to be a frog. They would jump and fall into the water. Each time they fell they would break out laughing in unison. In that moment I was so grateful that God followed His plan. He sent this angel down to us to brighten up our lives. He sent Ricks down to make Maggie less "the center of the universe" and more "the big sister". And he sent Ricks down to remind me that His plans always hold better miracles than mine.
Maggie told me she met Ricks in heaven and wanted him to be her brother. She explained that when she was born she started praying to God to send him to our family. She asked God just for Ricks to be her little brother. I have to tell you, I am glad Maggie had that conversation with God. And I am so thankful that God listened because my Little Man is one of the most amazing and magnificent surprises I have ever received in my life. Thanks again God for my angel boy : )
When Maggie was 16 months old, the pregnancy test showed the plus sign. A baby brother or sister was on the way. Maggie had no idea and no stress on the issue. I was a wreck. My plans had changed. What was I going to do? How could I manage two? Then we found out the baby was a boy. A boy! A positive because I felt Maggie might transition better to a boy. Negative because I had box after box of pink. We were blessed enough to have friends give us lots of hand me downs. I still stressed about how my baby girl was going to feel with all this change.
Jump ahead two years and I look back laughing at all the "plans" I had. God knew so much better what this family and I needed. Ricks is such a blessing to this family. He was the final piece of the puzzle to complete this crazy crew. When he looks at me with those beautiful eyes and that amazing smile, I know I am just completely in love. He is a Momma's Boy in every way and I love it. No one has ever looked at me like my son has. There is such unconditional love and acceptance in his eyes. Oh and not to mention the twinkle that shines so bright!
Ricks has made our family better and me a better Mom. Most importantly, he has made Maggie a better person. He loves her and follows her everywhere. She is one of his favorite people (next to Mommy and Bear). They fight like any siblings but they also love each other intensely. Maggie is extremely protective of him. And she is so sweet and nurturing when she bosses him around. Ricks gets so excited to play with her and finds her hilarious. I watch them play and bicker and it makes me envious that I never had a sibling so close in age.
Today I watched them belly laughing in the pool. Ricky was copying Maggie as she pretended to be a frog. They would jump and fall into the water. Each time they fell they would break out laughing in unison. In that moment I was so grateful that God followed His plan. He sent this angel down to us to brighten up our lives. He sent Ricks down to make Maggie less "the center of the universe" and more "the big sister". And he sent Ricks down to remind me that His plans always hold better miracles than mine.
Maggie told me she met Ricks in heaven and wanted him to be her brother. She explained that when she was born she started praying to God to send him to our family. She asked God just for Ricks to be her little brother. I have to tell you, I am glad Maggie had that conversation with God. And I am so thankful that God listened because my Little Man is one of the most amazing and magnificent surprises I have ever received in my life. Thanks again God for my angel boy : )
Thursday, July 21, 2011
A Gift and a Blessing
I have learned in life that I chose how I view the things that happen in my life. It is all about the perspective. When something happens I can take the negative view and wallow in pity, anger or resentment. Or I can look at it and find the positive. I can see the miracles and blessings. I try to be on the positive side. Even with the worst scenario, I can usually find on silver lining.
The past week has been a bit crazy and I felt a bit overloaded at times. The situation with my Mom is what it is. Life is happening as it does and I can complain and be cranky or..... I would much rather spend my time filled with peace and be happy. So I chose to frame the changes as gifts. It is a gift that Maggie gets to spend more time with her Grandma. It is a gift that I get to take my Mom to the doctor and pay back for all the times she took me. It is a gift to have her for dinner and enjoy her company.
So when I get frustrated with her or my siblings. When I feel crunched for time or overdone and tired. When I have had enough of the drama that may come with 8 siblings and a mother in need. I will remember that this situation and all that comes with it is a gift from God. I just need to do the footwork and let God handle the results. My Mother, as frustrating and complicated as our relationship can be, is a blessing. I am thankful for the chance to be grateful and present in whatever she needs.
The past week has been a bit crazy and I felt a bit overloaded at times. The situation with my Mom is what it is. Life is happening as it does and I can complain and be cranky or..... I would much rather spend my time filled with peace and be happy. So I chose to frame the changes as gifts. It is a gift that Maggie gets to spend more time with her Grandma. It is a gift that I get to take my Mom to the doctor and pay back for all the times she took me. It is a gift to have her for dinner and enjoy her company.
So when I get frustrated with her or my siblings. When I feel crunched for time or overdone and tired. When I have had enough of the drama that may come with 8 siblings and a mother in need. I will remember that this situation and all that comes with it is a gift from God. I just need to do the footwork and let God handle the results. My Mother, as frustrating and complicated as our relationship can be, is a blessing. I am thankful for the chance to be grateful and present in whatever she needs.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Sad On So Many Levels
Today has been a very sad day for me. I spent the morning on phone calls with my Mom and others about the situation that is happening with her. The afternoon was spent taking her for a ct scan, grocery shopping with her and cleaning out her fridge. I also had to do some basic cleaning/organizing at her apartment. The reality truly hit when I actually touched base with her primary care doctor. It seems that my Mom hasn't been filling him in on the reality of what is happening either. The doctor was taken a back but not surprised at the situation. He felt that we need to look further into my Mom's depression and other medical health issues.
The hardest thing to hear throughout all this was when the doctor said, "Her health seems to be failing her." I have to say my stomach lurched and heart jumped. It was sad, scary and overwhelming in so many ways. For a moment I couldn't breath and I had to say a quick prayer. The rest of the day I just felt sick to my stomach and a sadness just sat in my heart.
I am sad for so many reasons: for my Mom, because she is my Mom and for the reality that faces us. It is natural for me to spearhead my kids medical team. I worry and struggle but they are my kids. You care and take care of your babies. It gets a lot more complicated and harder when it is your parent you are caring for. To have a doctor bypass the patient (my Mom) to discuss test results and concerns doesn't feel natural. I feel out of place and saddened. It is what I have to do but it is not an easy place to be.
This looks as the beginning of a journey. It is familiar from traveling it with my Dad. The emotions are welling up in my heart and I feel the tears will start to spill out sooner then later. Now matter what the issue or disagreement, my Mom is my Mom. It is not easy to see her begin to decline physically, emotionally and mentally. But in the end it is not about me. I just have to do the best I can by her, love her and support her. So I gather my strength from God and just try to do His will. I just need to do the next right thing and stay in the moment. At moments it is hard to do but so comforting in its own way.
The hardest thing to hear throughout all this was when the doctor said, "Her health seems to be failing her." I have to say my stomach lurched and heart jumped. It was sad, scary and overwhelming in so many ways. For a moment I couldn't breath and I had to say a quick prayer. The rest of the day I just felt sick to my stomach and a sadness just sat in my heart.
I am sad for so many reasons: for my Mom, because she is my Mom and for the reality that faces us. It is natural for me to spearhead my kids medical team. I worry and struggle but they are my kids. You care and take care of your babies. It gets a lot more complicated and harder when it is your parent you are caring for. To have a doctor bypass the patient (my Mom) to discuss test results and concerns doesn't feel natural. I feel out of place and saddened. It is what I have to do but it is not an easy place to be.
This looks as the beginning of a journey. It is familiar from traveling it with my Dad. The emotions are welling up in my heart and I feel the tears will start to spill out sooner then later. Now matter what the issue or disagreement, my Mom is my Mom. It is not easy to see her begin to decline physically, emotionally and mentally. But in the end it is not about me. I just have to do the best I can by her, love her and support her. So I gather my strength from God and just try to do His will. I just need to do the next right thing and stay in the moment. At moments it is hard to do but so comforting in its own way.
Monday, July 18, 2011
The Time Has Come......
It has been a busy weekend full of changes and decisions. On Friday my sister came into town from Michigan. She stayed at my Mom's. This gave us insight into what is truly going in with my Mom. My Mom is a smart, stubborn and pretty crafty woman. I had a feeling she was doing some shady maneuvering the past couple of months. With all the illness going on here and not a lot of free time, I let some of it go. I honestly thought she might be ditching me due to not dealing well with people who are sick and any of the emotional that comes with it. That is a true method of operation for my Mom throughout my life.
My theory may have played a small part in what was happening but there was a much bigger story. My mother has been struggling to do the basics and take care of herself. My sister found food moldy in a pan on the stove, bills unpaid and a filthy bathroom. Like I said, my mother is pretty crafty and somehow managed to keep those of us in town at bay. I had no idea that things were as bad as they were. I had a gut instinct something was up and voiced that to my other sister who lives in town. She got the stonewall from my Mom and had her own concerns. That led to a visit from someone for out of town. We figured it would be much harder to hide things when someone is staying with you. We were right.
The verifying of our instincts and the realization of the problem led to a lot of conversations. Decisions had to be made and jobs had to be handed out. I have more time and no money while others have no time and money. The results is I got a lot of the jobs. I am in charge of managing the electronic bill paying and money, basic chores like grocery shopping and leading the way on all her medical. My plate just got a lot fuller. And my mom is not happy about handing over the reins.
I can empathize with the feelings of not wanting to give up independence and the sadness of growing old. It makes me sad to get to this point with her. My mom, for all her faults, was always a very strong, stubborn and independent person. It is hard to watch her struggle and realize that she needs hand over parts of her life to us. It will be a frustrating and difficult task to get her to cooperate. I will say a lot of prayers for patience and strength. In the end, for good or bad, it was time for this transition.
I was asked by my friend Rose how I feel about all of this. How will I deal with more on my plate? I have a lot of things going right now and how will I manage one more area that needs some big attention at the moment. My answer without a pause or breath - God. There is a reason He has put all of these things/concerns in my life. I may never know what that reason is but I have faith they will make me a stronger and better person. Sometimes in my life I have felt like an issue is a cross to bear. Only later do I look back and see all the miracles/blessings it brought into my life. I will gather my strength from God and do the best I can do. I know I have to take moments to take care of me and I know in those moments God will give me the grace I need to continue. Life may have its hard moments and I may be processing a lot of emotion in those moments but God is always present. I feel a peace in my heart and soul that all is okay. I am doing all I can and being present for those He needs me to be there for. He will carry me through.
Tomorrow I take my Mom for ct scan of her head. I have taken over her medical care. We will follow with grocery shopping and if need be dinner. I had other plans in my head for my empty calendar date but God's plan is more important. I owe it, out of love and respect, to do all I can for my mom. And I want to be a role model to my children on how we treat people with care and love. In the end, I want to follow God's will for me the best that I can.
My theory may have played a small part in what was happening but there was a much bigger story. My mother has been struggling to do the basics and take care of herself. My sister found food moldy in a pan on the stove, bills unpaid and a filthy bathroom. Like I said, my mother is pretty crafty and somehow managed to keep those of us in town at bay. I had no idea that things were as bad as they were. I had a gut instinct something was up and voiced that to my other sister who lives in town. She got the stonewall from my Mom and had her own concerns. That led to a visit from someone for out of town. We figured it would be much harder to hide things when someone is staying with you. We were right.
The verifying of our instincts and the realization of the problem led to a lot of conversations. Decisions had to be made and jobs had to be handed out. I have more time and no money while others have no time and money. The results is I got a lot of the jobs. I am in charge of managing the electronic bill paying and money, basic chores like grocery shopping and leading the way on all her medical. My plate just got a lot fuller. And my mom is not happy about handing over the reins.
I can empathize with the feelings of not wanting to give up independence and the sadness of growing old. It makes me sad to get to this point with her. My mom, for all her faults, was always a very strong, stubborn and independent person. It is hard to watch her struggle and realize that she needs hand over parts of her life to us. It will be a frustrating and difficult task to get her to cooperate. I will say a lot of prayers for patience and strength. In the end, for good or bad, it was time for this transition.
I was asked by my friend Rose how I feel about all of this. How will I deal with more on my plate? I have a lot of things going right now and how will I manage one more area that needs some big attention at the moment. My answer without a pause or breath - God. There is a reason He has put all of these things/concerns in my life. I may never know what that reason is but I have faith they will make me a stronger and better person. Sometimes in my life I have felt like an issue is a cross to bear. Only later do I look back and see all the miracles/blessings it brought into my life. I will gather my strength from God and do the best I can do. I know I have to take moments to take care of me and I know in those moments God will give me the grace I need to continue. Life may have its hard moments and I may be processing a lot of emotion in those moments but God is always present. I feel a peace in my heart and soul that all is okay. I am doing all I can and being present for those He needs me to be there for. He will carry me through.
Tomorrow I take my Mom for ct scan of her head. I have taken over her medical care. We will follow with grocery shopping and if need be dinner. I had other plans in my head for my empty calendar date but God's plan is more important. I owe it, out of love and respect, to do all I can for my mom. And I want to be a role model to my children on how we treat people with care and love. In the end, I want to follow God's will for me the best that I can.
Friday, July 15, 2011
The Hub
You know the saying God never gives you more than you can handle? Tonight I feel like he thinks I must be able to handle my fair share. The past week has been interesting in the dynamics of many relationships and life's happenings. I feel like the center of the hub and there are a couple areas that have needed some definite attention. Today one more was added. Although there is some emotion to it, overall I feel okay. There is a calm within my heart that lets me know that things will happen as they will. I just needed to be honest, loving, unselfish and pure in my part. I just need to keep my side of the street clean and make amends when I happen to make a mistake. At the end of the day each spoke has its priorities and needs. I am one person and do the best I can to care for, manage and respond to each one.
My priority today was Ricks and his egg challenge. I was so excited the blood work showed no allergy and hopeful we could move on from it. The nurse gave him one tiny bit and out popped a couple of hives. Dr. T said try just a bit more and see what happens. Out popped more hives and Ricks' mouth and tongue swelled up. He seemed to start grasping for his throat. The Bendryl was administered in hope that he wouldn't need a shot of epinephrine. Thank God we didn't! It was a bit unnerving to watch my baby have a pretty significant allergic reaction even in the safety of the allergist's office. In the end, we settled the reaction and Ricks is fine. Just no egg for the foreseeable future. And that is no big deal because it was how we have been. We just keep doing what we are doing.
The positives of the day is Dr. T took Ricks off Flovent because his lungs have sounded so strong even during the reaction. The ultimate bonus was we made the decision to hold off on the rheumatologist and observe Ricks a bit longer. Amen and Alleluia to not adding another doctor to my list. Right now we haven't had any major concerns in over 3 weeks so we are hoping that it was a virus.
We ended the day swimming at Grandma's pool. Both kids had lots of fun. I enjoyed just laughing and playing with them. In those moments when I feel like the "hub", I like to count my blessings. I am reminded that God can never give me to much to handle because He is always there to help me. I cannot be overloaded with Him at my side. No situation or worry is to heavy because He carries it with me. Life may continue to happen but I am confident that I can continue to navigate through it. My confidence is not because of who I am but who is my co-pilot. What a comfort to have God so present in my life.
My priority today was Ricks and his egg challenge. I was so excited the blood work showed no allergy and hopeful we could move on from it. The nurse gave him one tiny bit and out popped a couple of hives. Dr. T said try just a bit more and see what happens. Out popped more hives and Ricks' mouth and tongue swelled up. He seemed to start grasping for his throat. The Bendryl was administered in hope that he wouldn't need a shot of epinephrine. Thank God we didn't! It was a bit unnerving to watch my baby have a pretty significant allergic reaction even in the safety of the allergist's office. In the end, we settled the reaction and Ricks is fine. Just no egg for the foreseeable future. And that is no big deal because it was how we have been. We just keep doing what we are doing.
The positives of the day is Dr. T took Ricks off Flovent because his lungs have sounded so strong even during the reaction. The ultimate bonus was we made the decision to hold off on the rheumatologist and observe Ricks a bit longer. Amen and Alleluia to not adding another doctor to my list. Right now we haven't had any major concerns in over 3 weeks so we are hoping that it was a virus.
We ended the day swimming at Grandma's pool. Both kids had lots of fun. I enjoyed just laughing and playing with them. In those moments when I feel like the "hub", I like to count my blessings. I am reminded that God can never give me to much to handle because He is always there to help me. I cannot be overloaded with Him at my side. No situation or worry is to heavy because He carries it with me. Life may continue to happen but I am confident that I can continue to navigate through it. My confidence is not because of who I am but who is my co-pilot. What a comfort to have God so present in my life.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
I Gotta Be Me
Tonight I had a conversation with someone who is concerned about me. Her feelings are that I have lost myself in being a mom and a wife (esp. the mom). I take her comments with love but I feel myself upset about them. I admit that I am 120% devoted to my kids and sometimes more than others. I admit that they can be my top priority. I know that I could do less for them and more for me. The truth: I don't really want to change things.
Maggie and Ricky are only this little once. I don't want to miss a moment because soon enough they will be racing out the door. Their lives will fill up with school, friends and activities that don't include their Mom. There will even be times when they want to get away from me as fast as they can. I can't help but want to spend every moment I can with them when they so sweetly ask me to.
I listened as my friend pointed out to me that I am close to losing who I am and all the other things that were important to me before I became a mom. As I think back, I don't truly remember a lot of what I "loved" to do before April 30th, 2007. In my whole life I wanted to be a mom. I didn't really care to be a doctor, teacher, astronaut or accountant. I just wanted to be a mom. I love the job and love that it defines me for now. All of those things before being a mom were fillers until my dream job came along.
Maybe I am wrong or just strange. It could be true that I may regret spending this time so devoted and crazy for my babies. And I suppose it could be at the expense of "who I truly am". I will think and prayer about it. But I also know that in 3 years both my kids will be in school and I will have more than enough time to figure out all about me. I can go back to school and jump with both feet into a new hobby or career.
For now, quite honestly, I just want to love my kids. I want to make the best decisions on how to parent them through their successes and challenges. I want to laugh with them and cry with them. I want to talk and share and listen. Call me crazy but I want to embrace and be present in each moment. Then when they are older I can look back and remember as they follow their own journeys in life.
Maggie and Ricky are only this little once. I don't want to miss a moment because soon enough they will be racing out the door. Their lives will fill up with school, friends and activities that don't include their Mom. There will even be times when they want to get away from me as fast as they can. I can't help but want to spend every moment I can with them when they so sweetly ask me to.
I listened as my friend pointed out to me that I am close to losing who I am and all the other things that were important to me before I became a mom. As I think back, I don't truly remember a lot of what I "loved" to do before April 30th, 2007. In my whole life I wanted to be a mom. I didn't really care to be a doctor, teacher, astronaut or accountant. I just wanted to be a mom. I love the job and love that it defines me for now. All of those things before being a mom were fillers until my dream job came along.
Maybe I am wrong or just strange. It could be true that I may regret spending this time so devoted and crazy for my babies. And I suppose it could be at the expense of "who I truly am". I will think and prayer about it. But I also know that in 3 years both my kids will be in school and I will have more than enough time to figure out all about me. I can go back to school and jump with both feet into a new hobby or career.
For now, quite honestly, I just want to love my kids. I want to make the best decisions on how to parent them through their successes and challenges. I want to laugh with them and cry with them. I want to talk and share and listen. Call me crazy but I want to embrace and be present in each moment. Then when they are older I can look back and remember as they follow their own journeys in life.
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