So Much Thanks

Maggie has a virus. It started last night with a high fever and throwing up. At 11 this morning when the thermometer read over 105 I figured I better call the doctor. I called the pediatrician thinking he would tell me just to watch her and keep the fluids going. I was surprised when Dr. Borus told me he thought she should be checked out. It made sense after all we had been through the last 3 months and her immune deficiency. We should make sure that my instinct on the virus was right and not miss something bigger.

Dr. Borus felt Maggie should see Dr. T because of the sinus history just in case. He told me that if Dr. T couldn't see her, I should call back and bring her in to him right away. I had to wait until 1:30 for Dr. T's office to return from lunch but luckily the fever had gone down with ibuprofen. Once I talked to the receptionist she checked with T. He had us in by 2 and home by 2:45. He checked her out and concluded my gut was right - it is a virus.

Now we just treat the fever, keep her hydrated and watch her. I am praying the virus does not prompt a secondary infection or worsen the much-improved inflammation in her head. Dr. T said to expect this to last over the weekend and Ricks could get it next. So we may spend the next week battling this virus but I am going to try to stay positive. Hopefully, by Sunday the fever has broken and we are all healthy.

The title of this entry is much thanks. That is because I am so thankful and grateful to both doctors for their care and attentiveness to Maggie. She is blessed to have to doctors who are so invested in her care and health. I can't say enough how much it means to me that I have 2 people I can trust and communicate with on her medical team. In all honesty, it is calming to know I have someone as smart, competent and thorough as Dr. T to lead her team. He not only is extremely competent but he has connected with her in such a special way. God has certainly put a couple of special angels to walk with us on this journey.

None of My Business

I have been told that what people think of me is none of my business. I agree with that but it is sometimes hard to internalize. I can let my fears and insecurities get the best of me. Then I start to question my choices and where I am at. It is a hard to battle the demons of worrying about who thinks what of me.

I have had a couple of experiences lately where I have felt judged or looked down upon because I choose to stay home with my kids. My belief that God has guided me here to be the Maggie's and Ricky's Mom is not one that a lot of people agree with. I suppose my faith has guided my feelings but I truly believe that this is what I am meant to be doing. I am right where God wants me to be.

With all of that said, I do believe I have to take care of myself. I need to eat healthy, sleep, keep my priorities in order, exercise, etc. At the same time, I know the sacrifices (if you want to call them that) I make for my family are blessings and not crosses to bear. I don't feel resentful or angry or even overwhelmed. I may have moments but they pass and God refills my fuel tank.

So in those moments when I feel judged for staying home and focusing on my children, I just take a breath. I remember all the wonderful things about being with them. I say a prayer. I know that I am fulfilling my calling from God at this moment. I have faith that I am doing His will and He has my back. It still stings a bit but the truth is it is none of my business.

Just a Scream

So I need to just scream this somewhere and here seemed to be appropo. I LOVE MY LIFE! I am so grateful for the blessings that continue to fill my life. No matter what the situation, I have a great husband who I love with my whole heart and soul. I am thankful that he feels the same in his own unique Rick way. It is amazing to me that somehow in this crazy world, God found someone who is perfect for me even with his imperfections. We just make sense and that includes those moments when I wasn't sure what the future held.

I am so amazed by these 2 angels God has loaned me. Maggie and Ricky are gifts that God has put in my life. My goal is to love and support them on their journey. God has a calling for them both and I get the chance to watch them grow into the wonderful people they will become. And if they fall along their way or take a detour, I hope I am there to provide unconditional love and guidance back on to the right track.

I am grateful for all the people and opportunities God has placed in my life. Life is about change and growth. God has loved me, guided me and sometimes carried me through each moment. Now I am here, at this time and place. Today I have been able to be present for my husband, children, Mom and friends. My heart and life is full of so much gratitude and happiness. I had to scream it out and this blog is a fitting spot.

My final shout out - Thank You God for Your grace, blessings, miracles and unconditional love. From You I take my strength, peace and joy. May I never turn from Your love and cherish each blessing.

A Dime

I have heard that saying "Things can change on a dime" so many times in my life. I suppose that is true. For me it is more like, my perspective can change. I have found in life that it is usually never the situation that changes but the way I perceive it. If I come from a place of love and unselfishness. If I don't center on what I need or am getting out of it. If I can think of others and do the next right thing then things are more manageable. I am not overrun by anxiety, fear, anger or sadness. I can be loving, kind, empathetic, reasonable and honest.

This outlook comes with growing up and maturity. It definitely is a benefit of living a life guided by God. Things in life happen and most of the time they are not about me. I look at right now and see a lot of situations that need my attention. None of these are centered on or about me. It is my job to be present, loving and kind with all the people who they are about.

God has blessed me with the grace to be able to love and support four of the most important people in my life (my husband, children and mother). I have struggled with and processed my own feelings on each one. In the end, I have come to the realization that it is a gift to be able to love them through each step of their journey. I just read a friend's blog and it said it perfectly. She wrote about J.O.Y - Jesus first, others second and you last (I think I paraphrased it correctly). I will continue to follow this mantra and have faith and acceptance that all is as it should be.

Changes

Lately I have felt like I am going through some kind of metamorphosis. I believe it started within the last year and has slowly began to ebb into all areas in my life. I really have felt it with this last bout of medical stuff with Maggie. The fear was there but the anxiety was missing. That in itself is a miracle! It seems the anxiety was replaced by a faith strong and constant. I felt the presence of God and was able to let go and trust.

Recently, a lot has happened in my life. Some might say my plate is full. I have the normal stresses of life with 2 small children, working on my marriage, all the kids' medical concerns and my Mom's medical concerns. I am trying to balance all this and continue to take care of my own needs and nurture my faith. In the past this all might be crippling. At this moment, it all feels manageable and a task I am completely up for.

I have work to do to dial down the emotion and utilize more thinking. And there are certainly more areas that I need to improve on in my life. I am far from perfect. But I feel serenity and calmness today. I am confident I can handle all that is in my life. There is a strength inside me that helps me to put one foot in front of the other. For the first time in forever, I feel comfortable in my skin and truly have found an appreciation and love for who I am (warts and all).

This newfound strength and confidence is in direct result of the grace of God. He is intervened in my life and put amazing people to help me get to this place. My serenity is a blessing from Him and my strength is a miracle. There have been some tough and ugly moments in the past couple of months. In those moments, I have handed my fears and problems to God. I have done the footwork and left the results to God. Today I sat quietly watching the kids climb and cuddle with Rick as they all shared popsicles. I realized that through all that I am happy and extremely blessed. My life may not be perfect but it is perfectly unperfect. I love every person (okay most people), every part and every moment.

In the future, I will hit speed bumps, obstacles and challenges. I used to live in fear of those moments or who I would be at those moments. Today I look forward to those moments and the growth they bring with them. I want to continue to learn and change. I know God will be with me and help me navigate my way through. I just have to follow His will and listen to His guidance. It always works out as it needs to be. And I must always stay grateful for the miracles and blessings He has given me. Life is awesome and I want to praise God for all He has blessed me with!

Sibs

Once upon a time, a long time ago, I had planned on just one baby girl to finish off our family. I had my baby girl and that was all I needed. Maggie was it! I made plans and had dreams of all the things we were going to do. I didn't need anyone else but her to "complete" this family picture. Maggie was the center of our world and universe.

When Maggie was 16 months old, the pregnancy test showed the plus sign. A baby brother or sister was on the way. Maggie had no idea and no stress on the issue. I was a wreck. My plans had changed. What was I going to do? How could I manage two? Then we found out the baby was a boy. A boy! A positive because I felt Maggie might transition better to a boy. Negative because I had box after box of pink. We were blessed enough to have friends give us lots of hand me downs. I still stressed about how my baby girl was going to feel with all this change.

Jump ahead two years and I look back laughing at all the "plans" I had. God knew so much better what this family and I needed. Ricks is such a blessing to this family. He was the final piece of the puzzle to complete this crazy crew. When he looks at me with those beautiful eyes and that amazing smile, I know I am just completely in love. He is a Momma's Boy in every way and I love it. No one has ever looked at me like my son has. There is such unconditional love and acceptance in his eyes. Oh and not to mention the twinkle that shines so bright!

Ricks has made our family better and me a better Mom. Most importantly, he has made Maggie a better person. He loves her and follows her everywhere. She is one of his favorite people (next to Mommy and Bear). They fight like any siblings but they also love each other intensely. Maggie is extremely protective of him. And she is so sweet and nurturing when she bosses him around. Ricks gets so excited to play with her and finds her hilarious. I watch them play and bicker and it makes me envious that I never had a sibling so close in age.

Today I watched them belly laughing in the pool. Ricky was copying Maggie as she pretended to be a frog. They would jump and fall into the water. Each time they fell they would break out laughing in unison. In that moment I was so grateful that God followed His plan. He sent this angel down to us to brighten up our lives. He sent Ricks down to make Maggie less "the center of the universe" and more "the big sister". And he sent Ricks down to remind me that His plans always hold better miracles than mine.

Maggie told me she met Ricks in heaven and wanted him to be her brother. She explained that when she was born she started praying to God to send him to our family. She asked God just for Ricks to be her little brother. I have to tell you, I am glad Maggie had that conversation with God. And I am so thankful that God listened because my Little Man is one of the most amazing and magnificent surprises I have ever received in my life. Thanks again God for my angel boy : )

A Gift and a Blessing

I have learned in life that I chose how I view the things that happen in my life. It is all about the perspective. When something happens I can take the negative view and wallow in pity, anger or resentment. Or I can look at it and find the positive. I can see the miracles and blessings. I try to be on the positive side. Even with the worst scenario, I can usually find on silver lining.

The past week has been a bit crazy and I felt a bit overloaded at times. The situation with my Mom is what it is. Life is happening as it does and I can complain and be cranky or..... I would much rather spend my time filled with peace and be happy. So I chose to frame the changes as gifts. It is a gift that Maggie gets to spend more time with her Grandma. It is a gift that I get to take my Mom to the doctor and pay back for all the times she took me. It is a gift to have her for dinner and enjoy her company.

So when I get frustrated with her or my siblings. When I feel crunched for time or overdone and tired. When I have had enough of the drama that may come with 8 siblings and a mother in need. I will remember that this situation and all that comes with it is a gift from God. I just need to do the footwork and let God handle the results. My Mother, as frustrating and complicated as our relationship can be, is a blessing. I am thankful for the chance to be grateful and present in whatever she needs.

Sad On So Many Levels

Today has been a very sad day for me. I spent the morning on phone calls with my Mom and others about the situation that is happening with her. The afternoon was spent taking her for a ct scan, grocery shopping with her and cleaning out her fridge. I also had to do some basic cleaning/organizing at her apartment. The reality truly hit when I actually touched base with her primary care doctor. It seems that my Mom hasn't been filling him in on the reality of what is happening either. The doctor was taken a back but not surprised at the situation. He felt that we need to look further into my Mom's depression and other medical health issues.

The hardest thing to hear throughout all this was when the doctor said, "Her health seems to be failing her." I have to say my stomach lurched and heart jumped. It was sad, scary and overwhelming in so many ways. For a moment I couldn't breath and I had to say a quick prayer. The rest of the day I just felt sick to my stomach and a sadness just sat in my heart.

I am sad for so many reasons: for my Mom, because she is my Mom and for the reality that faces us. It is natural for me to spearhead my kids medical team. I worry and struggle but they are my kids. You care and take care of your babies. It gets a lot more complicated and harder when it is your parent you are caring for. To have a doctor bypass the patient (my Mom) to discuss test results and concerns doesn't feel natural. I feel out of place and saddened. It is what I have to do but it is not an easy place to be.

This looks as the beginning of a journey. It is familiar from traveling it with my Dad. The emotions are welling up in my heart and I feel the tears will start to spill out sooner then later. Now matter what the issue or disagreement, my Mom is my Mom. It is not easy to see her begin to decline physically, emotionally and mentally. But in the end it is not about me. I just have to do the best I can by her, love her and support her. So I gather my strength from God and just try to do His will. I just need to do the next right thing and stay in the moment. At moments it is hard to do but so comforting in its own way.

The Time Has Come......

It has been a busy weekend full of changes and decisions. On Friday my sister came into town from Michigan. She stayed at my Mom's. This gave us insight into what is truly going in with my Mom. My Mom is a smart, stubborn and pretty crafty woman. I had a feeling she was doing some shady maneuvering the past couple of months. With all the illness going on here and not a lot of free time, I let some of it go. I honestly thought she might be ditching me due to not dealing well with people who are sick and any of the emotional that comes with it. That is a true method of operation for my Mom throughout my life.

My theory may have played a small part in what was happening but there was a much bigger story. My mother has been struggling to do the basics and take care of herself. My sister found food moldy in a pan on the stove, bills unpaid and a filthy bathroom. Like I said, my mother is pretty crafty and somehow managed to keep those of us in town at bay. I had no idea that things were as bad as they were. I had a gut instinct something was up and voiced that to my other sister who lives in town. She got the stonewall from my Mom and had her own concerns. That led to a visit from someone for out of town. We figured it would be much harder to hide things when someone is staying with you. We were right.

The verifying of our instincts and the realization of the problem led to a lot of conversations. Decisions had to be made and jobs had to be handed out. I have more time and no money while others have no time and money. The results is I got a lot of the jobs. I am in charge of managing the electronic bill paying and money, basic chores like grocery shopping and leading the way on all her medical. My plate just got a lot fuller. And my mom is not happy about handing over the reins.

I can empathize with the feelings of not wanting to give up independence and the sadness of growing old. It makes me sad to get to this point with her. My mom, for all her faults, was always a very strong, stubborn and independent person. It is hard to watch her struggle and realize that she needs hand over parts of her life to us. It will be a frustrating and difficult task to get her to cooperate. I will say a lot of prayers for patience and strength. In the end, for good or bad, it was time for this transition.

I was asked by my friend Rose how I feel about all of this. How will I deal with more on my plate? I have a lot of things going right now and how will I manage one more area that needs some big attention at the moment. My answer without a pause or breath - God. There is a reason He has put all of these things/concerns in my life. I may never know what that reason is but I have faith they will make me a stronger and better person. Sometimes in my life I have felt like an issue is a cross to bear. Only later do I look back and see all the miracles/blessings it brought into my life. I will gather my strength from God and do the best I can do. I know I have to take moments to take care of me and I know in those moments God will give me the grace I need to continue. Life may have its hard moments and I may be processing a lot of emotion in those moments but God is always present. I feel a peace in my heart and soul that all is okay. I am doing all I can and being present for those He needs me to be there for. He will carry me through.

Tomorrow I take my Mom for ct scan of her head. I have taken over her medical care. We will follow with grocery shopping and if need be dinner. I had other plans in my head for my empty calendar date but God's plan is more important. I owe it, out of love and respect, to do all I can for my mom. And I want to be a role model to my children on how we treat people with care and love. In the end, I want to follow God's will for me the best that I can.

The Hub

You know the saying God never gives you more than you can handle? Tonight I feel like he thinks I must be able to handle my fair share. The past week has been interesting in the dynamics of many relationships and life's happenings. I feel like the center of the hub and there are a couple areas that have needed some definite attention. Today one more was added. Although there is some emotion to it, overall I feel okay. There is a calm within my heart that lets me know that things will happen as they will. I just needed to be honest, loving, unselfish and pure in my part. I just need to keep my side of the street clean and make amends when I happen to make a mistake. At the end of the day each spoke has its priorities and needs. I am one person and do the best I can to care for, manage and respond to each one.

My priority today was Ricks and his egg challenge. I was so excited the blood work showed no allergy and hopeful we could move on from it. The nurse gave him one tiny bit and out popped a couple of hives. Dr. T said try just a bit more and see what happens. Out popped more hives and Ricks' mouth and tongue swelled up. He seemed to start grasping for his throat. The Bendryl was administered in hope that he wouldn't need a shot of epinephrine. Thank God we didn't! It was a bit unnerving to watch my baby have a pretty significant allergic reaction even in the safety of the allergist's office. In the end, we settled the reaction and Ricks is fine. Just no egg for the foreseeable future. And that is no big deal because it was how we have been. We just keep doing what we are doing.

The positives of the day is Dr. T took Ricks off Flovent because his lungs have sounded so strong even during the reaction. The ultimate bonus was we made the decision to hold off on the rheumatologist and observe Ricks a bit longer. Amen and Alleluia to not adding another doctor to my list. Right now we haven't had any major concerns in over 3 weeks so we are hoping that it was a virus.

We ended the day swimming at Grandma's pool. Both kids had lots of fun. I enjoyed just laughing and playing with them. In those moments when I feel like the "hub", I like to count my blessings. I am reminded that God can never give me to much to handle because He is always there to help me. I cannot be overloaded with Him at my side. No situation or worry is to heavy because He carries it with me. Life may continue to happen but I am confident that I can continue to navigate through it. My confidence is not because of who I am but who is my co-pilot. What a comfort to have God so present in my life.

I Gotta Be Me

Tonight I had a conversation with someone who is concerned about me. Her feelings are that I have lost myself in being a mom and a wife (esp. the mom). I take her comments with love but I feel myself upset about them. I admit that I am 120% devoted to my kids and sometimes more than others. I admit that they can be my top priority. I know that I could do less for them and more for me. The truth: I don't really want to change things.

Maggie and Ricky are only this little once. I don't want to miss a moment because soon enough they will be racing out the door. Their lives will fill up with school, friends and activities that don't include their Mom. There will even be times when they want to get away from me as fast as they can. I can't help but want to spend every moment I can with them when they so sweetly ask me to.

I listened as my friend pointed out to me that I am close to losing who I am and all the other things that were important to me before I became a mom. As I think back, I don't truly remember a lot of what I "loved" to do before April 30th, 2007. In my whole life I wanted to be a mom. I didn't really care to be a doctor, teacher, astronaut or accountant. I just wanted to be a mom. I love the job and love that it defines me for now. All of those things before being a mom were fillers until my dream job came along.

Maybe I am wrong or just strange. It could be true that I may regret spending this time so devoted and crazy for my babies. And I suppose it could be at the expense of "who I truly am". I will think and prayer about it. But I also know that in 3 years both my kids will be in school and I will have more than enough time to figure out all about me. I can go back to school and jump with both feet into a new hobby or career.

For now, quite honestly, I just want to love my kids. I want to make the best decisions on how to parent them through their successes and challenges. I want to laugh with them and cry with them. I want to talk and share and listen. Call me crazy but I want to embrace and be present in each moment. Then when they are older I can look back and remember as they follow their own journeys in life.

Appointment

How to even begin tonight's entry. Maggie and I went to the ENT today for her appointment. His assessment was that she has mucous/infection and inflammation but.... The but is that it doesn't seem to be serious enough to warrant any further (or more invasive treatment). We just need to stay the course on the nasal spray and singulair.

So how does this all sit with me when Maggie is still complaining about her head "hurting"? How do I assess myself where this whole thing is? I have absolutely no idea! I just keep praying and putting one step in front of of the other. I suppose I could shed a couple of tears to get the frustration out or take a walk to settle my craziness. In all honesty, some cheesecake and General Hospital feels like the best medicine.

It has been implied by the ENT that Maggie may be exaggerating her symptoms. Yes they are there but she is upping the ante. Do I buy it? I don't know. Is she using it to manipulate me? Could be. Or does she really feel yucky and this is just her reality? That is what the pediatrician feels is more likely. Maggie has some "stuff" going on in her head. That "stuff" is making her feel yucky but she is not sick enough to require major invasive treatment (thank God!). It just makes her feel yucky all the time.

That "yucky" may be her reality for awhile. I hate the thought of that. I struggle to wrap my heart and soul around it. I want to be able to make her 100%. To fix it and make it all better. Okay I can't do that so I need to do the next right thing. That means teaching her to rise to the challenge. To be happy, successful and well-rounded in spite of the yuckies.

I am not sure how I feel or what it all means. I will review with our trusty Dr. T and go from there. It may be time to just quit the crazy search for a resolution and work with what we have. Or maybe there is more options available that we have yet to come upon. I will just have to hand it over to God and let Him lead the way.

Butterflies

Okay I have to admit I have butterflies in my stomach about Maggie's ENT appointment today. We have to leave in an hour and that hour can't go fast enough. I don't know if it is from the emotion of the day (extended family funeral) or the situation itself but crying feels to be on the horizon. I just am having one of those heartbreak reaction every time I have to review the past 12 weeks of my baby girl's life. She needs a break and a resolution to this situation. I just have a feeling of "we must get something done" going in to this meeting. The problem is I already know there is no guarantee that anything will be done. We may be sitting here tomorrow still counting the days that this continues. I am so grateful for a couple of pals who listened with no advice and accept my frustrations unconditionally. I truly appreciate the safe place to let off steam. It helps me to walk through the stress and get back to the moments of peace. God has definitely blessed me with support to help me along this crazy journey.

D-Day

Tomorrow is finally almost here!! We are finally headed back in to the ENT to reassess where Maggie is at. I don't know whether to be calm, excited, nervous or overwhelmed. A month ago Dr. T started us on a regime of Singular and Veramyst to get the inflammation down. It doesn't seem that either have worked. I don't have a very good gut instinct that we will get a solid answer on a resolution. I honestly have no idea what the ENT will say.

I am praying that Dr. Arnold has some ideas to reassess where Maggie is at. I want to hear some concrete ideas or plans to look at what is going on. Surgery may not be the best option or even an option. I don't really want it to be an option. But maybe we can do something to see how much inflammation/infection is in Maggie's head. Then we will have a better idea of how much intervention is needed.

After 12 weeks, I just want someone to make it better for her. I am feeling a bit done and I know so is Maggie. It is time to make it better and move on to other things in life. I realize this may not be the reality. We may be in for another week or month of trying to figure it all out. I just pray that God will give me the patience, wisdom and strength to handle whatever we find, or don't find, out.

This Moment

At this moment, my children are running around like crazy. The toys are flying and the laughter loud. It feels a bit like a zoo. And life has NEVER been better! I just want to freeze this moment to hold onto it forever. How can I be so blessed with such miracles? They are so AMAZING! I am the luckiest and most blessed Mom in this universe. I believe I am going to go and enjoy the madness : )

I Don't Get It

I copied a status report of a friends today on facebook. It said, "Give some of that weight where it belongs - to God, and have faith that what happens to you is for the best, whether you understand it or not." I guess this past weekend and week I have struggled a bit with this. I strongly believe this and have that faith on most issues in my life.

With the kids and all their medical issues, I have no doubt that God has our back. He is holding us in the palm of his hands. I don't know why the kids have the conditions they do but I believe that it is all a part of their journey. Each crisis, obstacle and moment is to help them grow, become stronger and help them to fulfill their calling in this life.

I even believe and have faith on the basics on many things in life including parenting. Maybe that is why I find such joy in some moments and patience in others. Some question my lack of priority on items such as housework and such focus on things like playing with my kids. I know in my heart that the time spent with them will bring great rewards. The mess and dirt will be there tomorrow.

I strive to be the best I can be each day. I pray for guidance and strength to do the next right thing. Faith is my guiding light these days. I feel I have truly grown into my own skin and feel a confidence and peace I have never had. And then life happens......

There is one area that I am struggling for strength, patience and the clarity to do the right thing. Rick and I have been working on our communication for a bit. It is important to us both to provide a loving, happy and stable environment for our kids. We want to give them what we didn't necessarily have and always wanted. To do that we have gone to an outside source to help navigate the way. On Thursday we hit a bump. What I have found is marriage is not the "happily ever after" of fairy tales or movies. It is hard work full of changes, challenges and joys.

Rick and I are very different people with different ways of handling life on life terms. We each have our baggage and expectations. And sometimes they don't match. That is basically what happened to us this past weekend. So we were at a standstill. I felt strongly that I couldn't give in or sacrifice because that would be a sacrifice of myself and all I had work to become. He had his reasons for where he was at. I wasn't sure what to do or how it would resolve itself.

That is when God worked another miracle in my life. Do you know how sometimes a person is placed in your path right when you need them? Well that is what happened to me yesterday. I had an appointment to see the counselor that we were working with. I talked, cried and prayed with her. I was able to see past the hurt, expectations and frustrations of the situation. With Rose's help, I was reminded of some of the most precious characteristics that make up my husband. She helped me remember things that my anger had clouded. Most importantly, she reminded me of looking at the situation through God's eyes and loving my husband as God wants me to.

My fears about losing who I am to solve the problem melted away. Rose had many ideas of how not do that while still loving Rick. She talked about how to nurture my marriage even with the differences. We have a challenge that we have come up against but I need to answer that challenge as a woman of God. Even though my instincts do not always lend themselves to that reaction, my faith must direct me. I have to stop coming from the fear and come from love and faith.

Today I spoke with my sister who is married over 25 years. She shared an experience very similar to what Rick and I are walking through. She told me how it made them better and stronger. In the end, the experience brought them closer as both friends and lovers. It seems to me very few, if any couples get through without a few bumps. The key is how you face the challenges and love each other through them.

I told a friend I was envious of her patience and God-directed response to her husband. I was hurt and angry at the moment. I still envy the ease with which she seems to be able to come from that place. I also know that love is not a problem between Rick and I. We are best friends and we need each other. I might have wavered for a moment and let the fear take over. But as the fog passes, I am confident that we will weather through stronger and better. I just need to remember to follow God's lead and do His will. Then it will work out just fine.

Chronic Sucks

The title of this entry is a mantra I share with a friend. Some days it is how I feel about the reality of our life around here. Most moments I stay in the positive and count my blessings and miracles. But there are moments, okay days, where it all just feels overwhelming and unfair. This is when I feel just as the title says and I scream, "CHRONIC SUCKS!". The best part is that God understands, expects and allows me to walk through those feelings. He watches me struggle through and finish my tantrum. Much like I work to do with my kids, he patiently waits as I stomp my feet, scream and cry. Then, when I have exhausted myself, he scoops me up into His arms. He soothes me with His love and tells me all is okay. He reminds He is there and He is my strength. That is the awesomeness of God!

On a side note, we got the results back from Dr. T about Ricks' autoimmune disease testing. Most of the results looked good. There was one, the neutrophils, that was high. I guess these are a marker of inflammation and so this shows that there is some kind of inflammation some where. Dr. T recommends we see a rheumatologist for further testing. He said his tests really look inside the box and with all things considered we need to look inside and outside the box. So we wait to hear from Dr. T about who is the best rheumatologist for Ricks to go to. Then we add another specialist to our list. Ricks is joining Maggie in having his own medical team. The thought of 2 kids and 2 medical teams really exhausts me. As I said, sometimes chronic sucks.

Maggie is so frayed and done feeling sick. She bruised her tummy on the 4th. With all her issues, I thought it best we have the pediatrician check it out. All looked fine but Maggie's anxiety was high. She was scared that they would have to do more medical interventions or IV's. After her appointment, she had a little bit of an emotional breakdown. It was short-lived and we talked our way through it. During the talk, she told me she is sad to feel sick all the time. It makes her worry about what the doctors will do or if they will ever fix it. Talk about breaking a mother's heart! In the end, I calmed her and she moved on.

It seems she is getting worse and there is no resolution in sight. I told her pediatrician today that I feel as if there will never be an answer. That she will just have this head pain for the rest of her life. He looked a bit taken aback but did agree that she may be ill a lot in her life. His recommendation is she has to learn how to be happy and successful in spite of her health. I totally agree but will she still be ill with this infection? He did not seem to think all was hopeless but there are moments when it feels that way. As I said, chronic sucks.

Yes, at this moment, I am feeling a bit more on the half empty side of the table. I just want a moment of health and peace in this family. I want not to have to manage and organize medical appointments, doctors or test results. I want two kids who feel healthy and don't need 5 medicines to help manage the day. I know that my wants are not truly realistic at this time. I hope someday to get there for me, Rick and the kids. I also know that God is waiting for me to finish my tantrum. He is waiting with open arms to remind me of all my blessings and miracles.

Looking Back

I was reminded tonight of some of the places I have been. It was a great reality check of how far I have come in life. The bottom line is that I never knew I could be so blessed and so happy. How grateful I am!

Mantras

There have been a few different mantras I have come across lately in my mediation book. They have really helped me lately. I have reread them numerous times and they have put life into perspective. Each one has had its moment and reminded me of a few key points: stay in the present, gratitude, let go and have faith. I wanted to share a some of them:

It is not your circumstances that need altering so much as yourself.
There is a beauty in a God-guided life.
You need to be constantly recharged by the power of the spirit of God.
Take a blessing whereever you go.
You can prove to yourself that life is basically and fundamentally an inner attitude.
God has things planned for you, far beyond what you can imagine now.
Only now belongs to us.


This one really rings true - If you can take your troubles as they come, if you can maintain your calm and composure amid pressing duties and unending engagements, if you can rise above the distressing and disturbing circumstances in which you are set down, you have discovered a priceless secret of daily living.

And my favorite as of right now - Learn daily the lesson of trust and calm in the midst of the storms of life.

The last one is what I am really working on. To have trust and stay serene even on the worst day. I am not always perfect but I do sincerely try.