You know the saying God never gives you more than you can handle? Tonight I feel like he thinks I must be able to handle my fair share. The past week has been interesting in the dynamics of many relationships and life's happenings. I feel like the center of the hub and there are a couple areas that have needed some definite attention. Today one more was added. Although there is some emotion to it, overall I feel okay. There is a calm within my heart that lets me know that things will happen as they will. I just needed to be honest, loving, unselfish and pure in my part. I just need to keep my side of the street clean and make amends when I happen to make a mistake. At the end of the day each spoke has its priorities and needs. I am one person and do the best I can to care for, manage and respond to each one.
My priority today was Ricks and his egg challenge. I was so excited the blood work showed no allergy and hopeful we could move on from it. The nurse gave him one tiny bit and out popped a couple of hives. Dr. T said try just a bit more and see what happens. Out popped more hives and Ricks' mouth and tongue swelled up. He seemed to start grasping for his throat. The Bendryl was administered in hope that he wouldn't need a shot of epinephrine. Thank God we didn't! It was a bit unnerving to watch my baby have a pretty significant allergic reaction even in the safety of the allergist's office. In the end, we settled the reaction and Ricks is fine. Just no egg for the foreseeable future. And that is no big deal because it was how we have been. We just keep doing what we are doing.
The positives of the day is Dr. T took Ricks off Flovent because his lungs have sounded so strong even during the reaction. The ultimate bonus was we made the decision to hold off on the rheumatologist and observe Ricks a bit longer. Amen and Alleluia to not adding another doctor to my list. Right now we haven't had any major concerns in over 3 weeks so we are hoping that it was a virus.
We ended the day swimming at Grandma's pool. Both kids had lots of fun. I enjoyed just laughing and playing with them. In those moments when I feel like the "hub", I like to count my blessings. I am reminded that God can never give me to much to handle because He is always there to help me. I cannot be overloaded with Him at my side. No situation or worry is to heavy because He carries it with me. Life may continue to happen but I am confident that I can continue to navigate through it. My confidence is not because of who I am but who is my co-pilot. What a comfort to have God so present in my life.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
I Gotta Be Me
Tonight I had a conversation with someone who is concerned about me. Her feelings are that I have lost myself in being a mom and a wife (esp. the mom). I take her comments with love but I feel myself upset about them. I admit that I am 120% devoted to my kids and sometimes more than others. I admit that they can be my top priority. I know that I could do less for them and more for me. The truth: I don't really want to change things.
Maggie and Ricky are only this little once. I don't want to miss a moment because soon enough they will be racing out the door. Their lives will fill up with school, friends and activities that don't include their Mom. There will even be times when they want to get away from me as fast as they can. I can't help but want to spend every moment I can with them when they so sweetly ask me to.
I listened as my friend pointed out to me that I am close to losing who I am and all the other things that were important to me before I became a mom. As I think back, I don't truly remember a lot of what I "loved" to do before April 30th, 2007. In my whole life I wanted to be a mom. I didn't really care to be a doctor, teacher, astronaut or accountant. I just wanted to be a mom. I love the job and love that it defines me for now. All of those things before being a mom were fillers until my dream job came along.
Maybe I am wrong or just strange. It could be true that I may regret spending this time so devoted and crazy for my babies. And I suppose it could be at the expense of "who I truly am". I will think and prayer about it. But I also know that in 3 years both my kids will be in school and I will have more than enough time to figure out all about me. I can go back to school and jump with both feet into a new hobby or career.
For now, quite honestly, I just want to love my kids. I want to make the best decisions on how to parent them through their successes and challenges. I want to laugh with them and cry with them. I want to talk and share and listen. Call me crazy but I want to embrace and be present in each moment. Then when they are older I can look back and remember as they follow their own journeys in life.
Maggie and Ricky are only this little once. I don't want to miss a moment because soon enough they will be racing out the door. Their lives will fill up with school, friends and activities that don't include their Mom. There will even be times when they want to get away from me as fast as they can. I can't help but want to spend every moment I can with them when they so sweetly ask me to.
I listened as my friend pointed out to me that I am close to losing who I am and all the other things that were important to me before I became a mom. As I think back, I don't truly remember a lot of what I "loved" to do before April 30th, 2007. In my whole life I wanted to be a mom. I didn't really care to be a doctor, teacher, astronaut or accountant. I just wanted to be a mom. I love the job and love that it defines me for now. All of those things before being a mom were fillers until my dream job came along.
Maybe I am wrong or just strange. It could be true that I may regret spending this time so devoted and crazy for my babies. And I suppose it could be at the expense of "who I truly am". I will think and prayer about it. But I also know that in 3 years both my kids will be in school and I will have more than enough time to figure out all about me. I can go back to school and jump with both feet into a new hobby or career.
For now, quite honestly, I just want to love my kids. I want to make the best decisions on how to parent them through their successes and challenges. I want to laugh with them and cry with them. I want to talk and share and listen. Call me crazy but I want to embrace and be present in each moment. Then when they are older I can look back and remember as they follow their own journeys in life.
Appointment
How to even begin tonight's entry. Maggie and I went to the ENT today for her appointment. His assessment was that she has mucous/infection and inflammation but.... The but is that it doesn't seem to be serious enough to warrant any further (or more invasive treatment). We just need to stay the course on the nasal spray and singulair.
So how does this all sit with me when Maggie is still complaining about her head "hurting"? How do I assess myself where this whole thing is? I have absolutely no idea! I just keep praying and putting one step in front of of the other. I suppose I could shed a couple of tears to get the frustration out or take a walk to settle my craziness. In all honesty, some cheesecake and General Hospital feels like the best medicine.
It has been implied by the ENT that Maggie may be exaggerating her symptoms. Yes they are there but she is upping the ante. Do I buy it? I don't know. Is she using it to manipulate me? Could be. Or does she really feel yucky and this is just her reality? That is what the pediatrician feels is more likely. Maggie has some "stuff" going on in her head. That "stuff" is making her feel yucky but she is not sick enough to require major invasive treatment (thank God!). It just makes her feel yucky all the time.
That "yucky" may be her reality for awhile. I hate the thought of that. I struggle to wrap my heart and soul around it. I want to be able to make her 100%. To fix it and make it all better. Okay I can't do that so I need to do the next right thing. That means teaching her to rise to the challenge. To be happy, successful and well-rounded in spite of the yuckies.
I am not sure how I feel or what it all means. I will review with our trusty Dr. T and go from there. It may be time to just quit the crazy search for a resolution and work with what we have. Or maybe there is more options available that we have yet to come upon. I will just have to hand it over to God and let Him lead the way.
So how does this all sit with me when Maggie is still complaining about her head "hurting"? How do I assess myself where this whole thing is? I have absolutely no idea! I just keep praying and putting one step in front of of the other. I suppose I could shed a couple of tears to get the frustration out or take a walk to settle my craziness. In all honesty, some cheesecake and General Hospital feels like the best medicine.
It has been implied by the ENT that Maggie may be exaggerating her symptoms. Yes they are there but she is upping the ante. Do I buy it? I don't know. Is she using it to manipulate me? Could be. Or does she really feel yucky and this is just her reality? That is what the pediatrician feels is more likely. Maggie has some "stuff" going on in her head. That "stuff" is making her feel yucky but she is not sick enough to require major invasive treatment (thank God!). It just makes her feel yucky all the time.
That "yucky" may be her reality for awhile. I hate the thought of that. I struggle to wrap my heart and soul around it. I want to be able to make her 100%. To fix it and make it all better. Okay I can't do that so I need to do the next right thing. That means teaching her to rise to the challenge. To be happy, successful and well-rounded in spite of the yuckies.
I am not sure how I feel or what it all means. I will review with our trusty Dr. T and go from there. It may be time to just quit the crazy search for a resolution and work with what we have. Or maybe there is more options available that we have yet to come upon. I will just have to hand it over to God and let Him lead the way.
Butterflies
Okay I have to admit I have butterflies in my stomach about Maggie's ENT appointment today. We have to leave in an hour and that hour can't go fast enough. I don't know if it is from the emotion of the day (extended family funeral) or the situation itself but crying feels to be on the horizon. I just am having one of those heartbreak reaction every time I have to review the past 12 weeks of my baby girl's life. She needs a break and a resolution to this situation. I just have a feeling of "we must get something done" going in to this meeting. The problem is I already know there is no guarantee that anything will be done. We may be sitting here tomorrow still counting the days that this continues. I am so grateful for a couple of pals who listened with no advice and accept my frustrations unconditionally. I truly appreciate the safe place to let off steam. It helps me to walk through the stress and get back to the moments of peace. God has definitely blessed me with support to help me along this crazy journey.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
D-Day
Tomorrow is finally almost here!! We are finally headed back in to the ENT to reassess where Maggie is at. I don't know whether to be calm, excited, nervous or overwhelmed. A month ago Dr. T started us on a regime of Singular and Veramyst to get the inflammation down. It doesn't seem that either have worked. I don't have a very good gut instinct that we will get a solid answer on a resolution. I honestly have no idea what the ENT will say.
I am praying that Dr. Arnold has some ideas to reassess where Maggie is at. I want to hear some concrete ideas or plans to look at what is going on. Surgery may not be the best option or even an option. I don't really want it to be an option. But maybe we can do something to see how much inflammation/infection is in Maggie's head. Then we will have a better idea of how much intervention is needed.
After 12 weeks, I just want someone to make it better for her. I am feeling a bit done and I know so is Maggie. It is time to make it better and move on to other things in life. I realize this may not be the reality. We may be in for another week or month of trying to figure it all out. I just pray that God will give me the patience, wisdom and strength to handle whatever we find, or don't find, out.
I am praying that Dr. Arnold has some ideas to reassess where Maggie is at. I want to hear some concrete ideas or plans to look at what is going on. Surgery may not be the best option or even an option. I don't really want it to be an option. But maybe we can do something to see how much inflammation/infection is in Maggie's head. Then we will have a better idea of how much intervention is needed.
After 12 weeks, I just want someone to make it better for her. I am feeling a bit done and I know so is Maggie. It is time to make it better and move on to other things in life. I realize this may not be the reality. We may be in for another week or month of trying to figure it all out. I just pray that God will give me the patience, wisdom and strength to handle whatever we find, or don't find, out.
This Moment
At this moment, my children are running around like crazy. The toys are flying and the laughter loud. It feels a bit like a zoo. And life has NEVER been better! I just want to freeze this moment to hold onto it forever. How can I be so blessed with such miracles? They are so AMAZING! I am the luckiest and most blessed Mom in this universe. I believe I am going to go and enjoy the madness : )
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I Don't Get It
I copied a status report of a friends today on facebook. It said, "Give some of that weight where it belongs - to God, and have faith that what happens to you is for the best, whether you understand it or not." I guess this past weekend and week I have struggled a bit with this. I strongly believe this and have that faith on most issues in my life.
With the kids and all their medical issues, I have no doubt that God has our back. He is holding us in the palm of his hands. I don't know why the kids have the conditions they do but I believe that it is all a part of their journey. Each crisis, obstacle and moment is to help them grow, become stronger and help them to fulfill their calling in this life.
I even believe and have faith on the basics on many things in life including parenting. Maybe that is why I find such joy in some moments and patience in others. Some question my lack of priority on items such as housework and such focus on things like playing with my kids. I know in my heart that the time spent with them will bring great rewards. The mess and dirt will be there tomorrow.
I strive to be the best I can be each day. I pray for guidance and strength to do the next right thing. Faith is my guiding light these days. I feel I have truly grown into my own skin and feel a confidence and peace I have never had. And then life happens......
There is one area that I am struggling for strength, patience and the clarity to do the right thing. Rick and I have been working on our communication for a bit. It is important to us both to provide a loving, happy and stable environment for our kids. We want to give them what we didn't necessarily have and always wanted. To do that we have gone to an outside source to help navigate the way. On Thursday we hit a bump. What I have found is marriage is not the "happily ever after" of fairy tales or movies. It is hard work full of changes, challenges and joys.
Rick and I are very different people with different ways of handling life on life terms. We each have our baggage and expectations. And sometimes they don't match. That is basically what happened to us this past weekend. So we were at a standstill. I felt strongly that I couldn't give in or sacrifice because that would be a sacrifice of myself and all I had work to become. He had his reasons for where he was at. I wasn't sure what to do or how it would resolve itself.
That is when God worked another miracle in my life. Do you know how sometimes a person is placed in your path right when you need them? Well that is what happened to me yesterday. I had an appointment to see the counselor that we were working with. I talked, cried and prayed with her. I was able to see past the hurt, expectations and frustrations of the situation. With Rose's help, I was reminded of some of the most precious characteristics that make up my husband. She helped me remember things that my anger had clouded. Most importantly, she reminded me of looking at the situation through God's eyes and loving my husband as God wants me to.
My fears about losing who I am to solve the problem melted away. Rose had many ideas of how not do that while still loving Rick. She talked about how to nurture my marriage even with the differences. We have a challenge that we have come up against but I need to answer that challenge as a woman of God. Even though my instincts do not always lend themselves to that reaction, my faith must direct me. I have to stop coming from the fear and come from love and faith.
Today I spoke with my sister who is married over 25 years. She shared an experience very similar to what Rick and I are walking through. She told me how it made them better and stronger. In the end, the experience brought them closer as both friends and lovers. It seems to me very few, if any couples get through without a few bumps. The key is how you face the challenges and love each other through them.
I told a friend I was envious of her patience and God-directed response to her husband. I was hurt and angry at the moment. I still envy the ease with which she seems to be able to come from that place. I also know that love is not a problem between Rick and I. We are best friends and we need each other. I might have wavered for a moment and let the fear take over. But as the fog passes, I am confident that we will weather through stronger and better. I just need to remember to follow God's lead and do His will. Then it will work out just fine.
With the kids and all their medical issues, I have no doubt that God has our back. He is holding us in the palm of his hands. I don't know why the kids have the conditions they do but I believe that it is all a part of their journey. Each crisis, obstacle and moment is to help them grow, become stronger and help them to fulfill their calling in this life.
I even believe and have faith on the basics on many things in life including parenting. Maybe that is why I find such joy in some moments and patience in others. Some question my lack of priority on items such as housework and such focus on things like playing with my kids. I know in my heart that the time spent with them will bring great rewards. The mess and dirt will be there tomorrow.
I strive to be the best I can be each day. I pray for guidance and strength to do the next right thing. Faith is my guiding light these days. I feel I have truly grown into my own skin and feel a confidence and peace I have never had. And then life happens......
There is one area that I am struggling for strength, patience and the clarity to do the right thing. Rick and I have been working on our communication for a bit. It is important to us both to provide a loving, happy and stable environment for our kids. We want to give them what we didn't necessarily have and always wanted. To do that we have gone to an outside source to help navigate the way. On Thursday we hit a bump. What I have found is marriage is not the "happily ever after" of fairy tales or movies. It is hard work full of changes, challenges and joys.
Rick and I are very different people with different ways of handling life on life terms. We each have our baggage and expectations. And sometimes they don't match. That is basically what happened to us this past weekend. So we were at a standstill. I felt strongly that I couldn't give in or sacrifice because that would be a sacrifice of myself and all I had work to become. He had his reasons for where he was at. I wasn't sure what to do or how it would resolve itself.
That is when God worked another miracle in my life. Do you know how sometimes a person is placed in your path right when you need them? Well that is what happened to me yesterday. I had an appointment to see the counselor that we were working with. I talked, cried and prayed with her. I was able to see past the hurt, expectations and frustrations of the situation. With Rose's help, I was reminded of some of the most precious characteristics that make up my husband. She helped me remember things that my anger had clouded. Most importantly, she reminded me of looking at the situation through God's eyes and loving my husband as God wants me to.
My fears about losing who I am to solve the problem melted away. Rose had many ideas of how not do that while still loving Rick. She talked about how to nurture my marriage even with the differences. We have a challenge that we have come up against but I need to answer that challenge as a woman of God. Even though my instincts do not always lend themselves to that reaction, my faith must direct me. I have to stop coming from the fear and come from love and faith.
Today I spoke with my sister who is married over 25 years. She shared an experience very similar to what Rick and I are walking through. She told me how it made them better and stronger. In the end, the experience brought them closer as both friends and lovers. It seems to me very few, if any couples get through without a few bumps. The key is how you face the challenges and love each other through them.
I told a friend I was envious of her patience and God-directed response to her husband. I was hurt and angry at the moment. I still envy the ease with which she seems to be able to come from that place. I also know that love is not a problem between Rick and I. We are best friends and we need each other. I might have wavered for a moment and let the fear take over. But as the fog passes, I am confident that we will weather through stronger and better. I just need to remember to follow God's lead and do His will. Then it will work out just fine.
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