Rough Start.... Great End

This morning was a very rough start for us. Maggie woke up feeling very sick and crabby. She needed constant Mom and tlc. I couldn't leave her side or else she melted down. She cried for me, for Daddy and just because she didn't feel well. We have backed off the ibuprofen for fear of rebound headaches. The past 24 hours or so Maggie has had fevers and her head pain is worse. I guess the ibuprofen was working and it masked the fact she still had fevers and how bad the pain was. Today has to have been the worst morning we have had in awhile. Maggie struggled and I struggled right along with her.

I think I can honestly say I went through a barrage of emotions in a few short hours. I was angry (at God, the infection, PI, the doctors, myself....), sad and heartbroken, overwhelmed and plain out powerless. I talked to a couple people but it didn't help. My prayers were flying up to God. Actually, it was more like a conversation than praying. I asked God a lot of questions and even swore once or twice. I cried for a couple minutes here and there. I cried because this sucks. I cried because I can't make it better now. I cried because there are Mom's out there who are dealing with much bigger and sadder concerns.

The doctor called back with a message to give Maggie acetaminophen sparingly. He really wants to avoid those rebound headaches. And if she gets worse, I take her back in next week. I had people question and wonder why I don't take her for another opinion. I feel as if people think I am crazy because my kid is so sick and it seems we are just sitting here waiting. Trust me, I feel frustrated with this plan at times too. I also understand the why's of it and that other people don't. It is what we have to do as hard as it is. One important lesson I have learned recently is I can do hard. And I can love and support my child so she can do hard.

Maggie's bad head day led to a bad emotional morning. She is experiencing some severe anxiety about being separated from Rick and I. After a few conversations with both her regular pediatrician and her developmental pediatrician, we have a good idea of what is going on. They both have advised that she is struggling because she just doesn't feel well. Her not feeling well 24/7 makes her feel anxious about how she can keep herself safe. So she is looking to us to help her feel safe. Rick and I understand, and it can be frustrating, but it is a small blip in her life. We do what we can and love her with all we have.

The beginning was rocky but the end turned out great. Rick got his Father's Day present in the mail. A remote control helicopter. He and Maggie had a lot of fun testing it out. It was a quiet and calm night. We had dinner, did bath time, relaxed with some cuddles and Strawberry Shortcake and tucked her into bed. At the end of the day it was all okay. Maggie still doesn't feel well but I know in my heart I have done all I can. I will probably cycle through all those emotion again as we search for an answer. Under it all though, there is a strength and serenity. No fear/anxiety needed. I need to keep the positive, let go and have faith.

Journaling

This blog has become a bit of a journal for me. It is a place to open my heart and soul after a full day. I relish it and sometimes can't wait for the quiet moments I have to type a few words. My life has changed a lot in the past year and a half. There have been new things to learn and manage. Not to mention new people who have come into my life. Today I have been thinking of how blessed I am to have had all these experiences. I reviewed some the of the posts even from the beginning of this blog. My heart filled with gratitude as I reread some.

Life can be hard and challenging. I think we definitely have hit a few obstacles all the long the way. But somehow God takes care of us and send angels to help and support us. Lately I have just felt so full and blessed in my life. There is no need for grand overtures or mushy sentiment. Life is just good! My Girl is struggling medically and that sucks. But she is strong, happy, smart and amazing. My Little Man is growing by leaps and bounds. Every day he has more words and is more independent. Of course yesterday's post says everything I need to about my husband. We have a strong and loving family. God is present with us and guiding us along the way.

I don't think I have ever had a point in my life where I could say there was a peaceful happiness. Anxiety always snuck in with it's buddy fear. Or I was wanting or needing something more in my life. I was competing and comparing with all of those around me. Today I feel that peaceful happiness. I look around and don't want or need for anything else. And as far as comparing/competing, there is no need because my life is perfect for me. I don't worry much about what others think of me or how others are judging me. I just don't have time or energy for it. If the relationship feels bad or toxic, I need to address it or move on.

At the end of each day I look forward to my blog and mediation/prayer time. It settles me, grounds me and reminds me of all the blessings in my life. Things are not perfect every moment but when the sun sets it was all as it should be. I know that God is directing the ship and I just need to cruise along with him. He needs me to do the next right thing and utilize the tools He has blessed me with. They say all things change in time. I just enjoy this peace while it lasts.

A Letter to my Husband

Dear Rick,

I know I will have to coerce you to read this because it is on the blog. I realize you detest all things like the blog and facebook. That is only one of our differences. We are 2 very different people. You are the even-keeled, cognitive one and I am the emotional volcano. I emote and you act. These differences can drive me crazy but I also think they are a part of why we work.

From the beginning of meeting I have known you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I love you from the deepest parts of my heart and soul. You were so polite, kind and steady. It was like finding a life preserver in the middle of a storm. Or a rock on a sandy, windswept beach. I grabbed on and felt anchored and safe.

The past 8 years have been quite a journey. One wedding day and 2 kids later and you are still my best friend. We have laughed, loved, fought and supported each other. Even in the past couple of years when tensions were high, you hung tough with me. One thing we do have in common is our commitment to the vows we took on October 15, 2005. We said for better and worse that day. And when we hit the worse, you stayed and held on. You did not turn and walk or give up. We promised each other to make it better and do whatever was needed. You recommitted to me, our marriage and family.

I am a horrible housekeeper and you forgive that about me on a daily basis. You always tell me my dinners are great even when I know they are passable. And you do half, sometimes more, of the cleaning around this house. You even clean the bathroom at midnight because you are sick of waiting for me to do it. I know that you are always there to keep the cars running and fix whatever breaks around here. You are our Handy Daddy!

Most importantly, you are an awesome father. Maggie thinks the world of you. She watches all you do with amazement. She is so proud that her Dad can build or fix anything. She knows you are there for her anytime on any day. With all she has gone through, giving her that love and stability is bigger than any gift or toy. Ricky is so much like you. He is always looking for how things work or playing with that button or switch. I look at him and see the same sparkle in his eye (or is that mischievous twinkle?).

When things got tough, we both agreed to do what we can to make it better. It was important to us both to provide a loving, healthy and stable home for our kids. In the process, I have fallen more in love with you. I have always seen the wonderful sweet man with such strength under your cool exterior. That man is the person I see more and more these days. I don't always make it easy but you always understand. I feel like you don't just love the good in me but the nasty dark side that sneaks out on my worst days. With you I am home!

My love and life, we started down this journey as friends way back in 2003. I know in my heart that we will continue through all life's up and downs together. It isn't always easy (you know life on life terms) but together we can figure it out. I may not always show you but I know without you I would be lost. You are my heart and soul. I love you now and forever.

Suzi

Happiness

A friend (you know who you are)recently had a post on her blog called "Happiness is". Since that day I have been constantly singing the song "Happiness is" from Peanuts. I even had to look it up on youtube. When we took a walk this afternoon I sang some of my own verses to Ricky. I decided to put those in my blog tonight and a couple extra. So here we go:

Happiness is:

Loving my husband
My 2 precious children
Waking up to Ricky's sweet voice on the monitor
Maggie cuddling up with me in the morning for a few more snoozes
Counting the stairs with Ricks as we walk down them
Listening to Maggie sing as she plays
Eating breakfast together
Swinging with my children
Watching them run and play in the sun
Making cookies with Maggie
Ricky and Bear (this counts at least 10 times)
Reading Goodnight Moon twice (once for each night night)
Hugging my babies
Getting hugs from my babies
The familiar and comforting smell of my babies as they cuddle up
Sharing and talking about God with Maggie
Reading Ricks his favorite book (The ABC's of Halloween) even though it is July
Listening to Maggie's giggle
Seeing the sparkle in Ricks' eyes
Watching Rick and Maggie as they walk ahead engrossed in some conversation
Holding hands with Ricks as we follow behind
Ignoring mounds of laundry, floors to clean and dust to just be present with the kids
Spending time cuddling with Rick
Talking and sharing with Rick when we have our time to chat
Walking by and giving my husband a random hug
Tweaking Rick's toosh
Listening to Rick and Maggie as they brush teeth at night
Watching my husband with the kids - who knew how awesome he would be
Maggie's pride that her Daddy built her a swingset from our deck
Seeing the complete adoration (both ways) as Maggie cuddles up with Rick
Quiet time after both kids are in bed and Rick is studying
A night out to myself for a pedicure and some Starbucks
Time spent with friends
Some moments to touch base with myself
Curling up with a good book or magazine
Finding out more about who I am
Exploring, strengthening and deepening my relationship with God
Quiet moments of mediation and conversation with God
Listening to my heart and God's voice
Being grateful for the angels God has placed in our lives
Becoming confident in who I am not only as a woman but as a mother
Prioritizing and not wasting energy on people, relationships or experiences
Smiling and laughing
Summer and relaxing
Watching an episode of Glee or General Hospital
Playing Germ Tag with my kids
Holding Rick's hand
Laying my head on Rick's shoulder as I watch my kids quietly play or read books
Giving kisses and hugs goodnight
Watching Dora with Ricks
Counting the stars with Maggie before bed
Exploring the world and watching Ricky learn something new everyday
Ricky and his exploding vocabulary
Coloring and doing art with the kids
Going to the Big Lake (esp. to fly kites)

I could go on and on with this list but I think it is long enough for now. These are random and in no kind of order. They just flew out of my heart as I typed. Each one is special to me whether big or small. This list reminds me of how happy and grateful I am. What an awesome life I have!

The New Plan

We had Maggie's appointment with Dr. T this afternoon. I was nervous and concerned last night. My stomach was doing flips like it was Maggie in gymnastics class. My mind was full of all the "what ifs" and anxiety of the unknown. In the quiet of the night (after all little people were sound asleep and my husband studying) I read my mediation book. I quieted my mind and heart to just breath. My mind began to quiet and my fears settled down. I remembered one of my biggest tools - stay in the present. So I visualized myself putting my box of "worries" into a box and handed it over to God. I asked Him to keep them until the appointment tomorrow. I told God that if He felt I needed them, He could give them back then. Within minutes I was snoozing away.

Today was a busy and joyful day. It was the last day of Vacation Bible School and we had a lot to celebrate. Overall, it was a great week and I think everyone got a lot out of it. I loved the messages it taught Maggie:
1. God made you
2. God listens to you
3. God watches over you
4. God loves you no matter what
5. God gives good gifts
These are all important things I want her to hold on to. They are great for the rainy days when she feels under the weather or has to go through one more medical procedure. I love the 3rd point for her. I told her tonight that God is holding her in the palm of His hand until she feels better. It is funny how with all she is going through, these lessons just fell in place. Maggie took to them like a fish in water. We have had a lot of good talks about each one in the past week.

I met some great people in our faith community. My helpers were awesome! One of them is going to babysit for the kids. Another told me that if she volunteers next summer she is requesting to work with me. She was a sweet 8th grader who was so willing to do whatever I asked. Even though I griped about a 5 day early wake up and some craziness earlier in the week, I am so happy I volunteered.

I came home, fed Ricks lunch and we all laid down for a nap. I didn't even really think of the appointment until we were driving on our way. I got a great email from another zebra mom which was so supportive and helpful. The anxiety had disappeared and been replaced by an openness to what Dr. T was going to say. There was a calmness while we waited and some silliness too!

Dr. T checked Maggie out and explained all the information from the other doctors. At this time, there is no guarantee on how much sinus surgery will help Maggie. The ENT wants to make sure we have exhausted every last medical option before we take the major step of sinus surgery. So Dr. T switched up the nasal steroid Maggie is on and added Singulair. This is in the hope that the new medicine will resolve the issue. We give it a month and go back to the ENT for a reassessment. And of course if she gets sick or feels worse we dial up our favorite doctor to get in earlier.

How do I feel about all of this? I feel a calmness and trust that this is the right way to go. I appreciate the fact that both the doctors want to make sure they have covered all bases before they put Maggie through a traumatic surgery. I am grateful for an immunologist who is competent, is in invested in my children and honest in his assessment. I trust him and believe that he is doing all he can to find a resolution to help Mags feel better. I know that God put him in our life and I see Dr. T as one of those angels who help us out. I know he is a hero to Maggie. Today after we left him she told me, "Mommy Dr. T is amazing" Now that is a ringing endorsement! It sucks to see her struggle and feel sick for another 4 weeks. I wish I had a magic wand to make it all better. But I don't and I don't think anyone does. I am not sure even surgery will make that happen.

I have to hand this one over to God and have faith. The faith that He will lead us in the right direction to help Maggie. The faith that He will put those special people in our lives like Dr. T. The faith that in the hard moments, He will hold us in His hands. His presence gives me the strength and wisdom to know that the people I have chosen to lead Maggie's medical team are doing the best they can. All I need to do is to follow doctor's orders, love my baby girl and keep the prayers coming.

Not Sure What to Title This

There is a lot going through my head tonight. It was a busy day but the end turned out nice with a program at Vacation Bible School. I stepped out of my role as teacher for a few seconds and put on the Mommy hat. My eyes welled up a tiny bit as I watched my big girl up there singing away. It still leaves me breathless that this amazing girl is mine.

Tonight I put Maggie to bed and she wasn't listening. I reprimanded her on her about the situation. She told me, "Mommy I don't think my ears are working. I can see your lips moving but I don't hear your words." Alrighty then!!! I tried not to laugh and finished reminding her that she needed to listen to her Mommy. In my book that is pretty ingenious!!!

We went on to have our little VBS/God discussion. This seems to be a nightly thing this week. It warms my heart to hear how much she loves God and all the questions she has about Him. There is this magical awe she has whenever she starts to talk about God. It is the innocence of a child and I hope she can hold to even a small sliver of this throughout her life.

Now for the stress part of my day. The immunologist wants us to meet with him about what has been happening with her. Dr. T has talked to all the other doctors involved and wants to check back with us. I am so nervous that they are going to tell us to keep doing what we are doing. Here I have a 4 year old with constant head pain for the past 2 months so I don't want to hear wait and see. I want answers or a resolution. I don't want her to have to have surgery but I want her to one day this summer feel 100%. It seems like that will never happen for my girl. Plus I remembered she had blood work taken so the results of that should be in. I always hate the process of getting the results back. It makes me worry that they will tell us something is worse or there is something new.

My stomach is in knots and I am emotionally charged. I was supposed to take Ricks to Dr. T tomorrow but after conferring with Rick we made a change. We both feel we have to handle Maggie's concern first because it is more pressing. Ricks can wait a couple of weeks before we take him in. I have to finish up so I can head up to bed. I need to do my prayer and mediation. I keep reminding myself to hand it over to God. I tell myself He has it covered. Stay in the present. Worry about tomorrow when it is tomorrow. All of those sayings that help me stay sane are running through my head. I will just hold on to my prayers and faith even as the fears wash over me. I know that the water may be choppy but my life preserver is strong and will hold me.

St. Therese

Catholics have this thing with saints. Sometimes we identify with one or latch on to another for a bunch of different reasons. Growing up my Mom always talked about St. Therese. She is the saint of little ways. I warmed to her and felt some kind of connection. A saint is like a heavenly friend who you can talk to, prays for you and helps you out. It is said that they intercede with God for you. With that in mind, I identified with her and her life story. I picked Therese as my confirmation name and started praying to her on and off throughout my life.

In some very dark times I have prayed to St. Therese (along with my Mom). I will tell you that during all of those time, God answered our prayers. I feel like she definitely had something do with it. It is said that she send you a single rose to let you know your prayers will be answered. I have received a single rose more than a couple of times and sure enough the answer was not far behind. So when I got pregnant and had been praying incessantly to her, the answer was simple. Maggie's middle name would be Therese.

Therese is our special saint around here. Since Maggie was a newborn I have talked and shared with her about St. Therese. I love the idea of serving God in little ways and wanted to pass that on to Maggie in her faith. She was an amazing woman of faith, trust and strength. All virtues I hope Maggie develops and holds on to.

In Vacation Bible School today we got a card with information about Saint Therese. It had never occurred to me that Saint Therese suffered many medical ailments throughout her life. This never slowed her down or made her question her faith. The card we got said, "She trusted that God was always with her even when she became sick" WHAM!!!!! How amazing it is to me that that one point is so important to me lately and here it is on my favorite saint's card. If there is anything I want Maggie to hold on to in her life it is God loves her and is always with her. Her road might get bumpy and she may struggle but she is NEVER alone.

I am so blessed to have God put special people, even saints, in my life. Saint Therese is always present to help me and now to guide my baby girl. I just can't put into words how full of God's love and care I feel right now. May St. Therese continue to share with God our love and needs. And may He continue to bless us in so many ways.