Tears

I want to burst in to tears and my stomach is a huge pit. I just feel like sitting down and having a huge cry. To put the cherry on top, I am not sure exactly why and I feel a bit goofy b/c I have so much to be grateful for. The catalyst for this need to purge with the waterworks - Ricky's appointment today with we Dr. T.

The virus part went well. Ricky is, for the 1st time since mid-January, 100% healthy! That is major and much celebrated. There is a part of me that wants to do a "happy dance" b/c we seemed to have actually beaten the germs.

The allergy testing did not go as well. We had to test for penicillin which is a bit harder than the normal test b/c the drops dry so fast. Ricky did not seem to care about this and he threw a fit. As soon as the nurse attempted to put the drops on, he lost it. I had to hold him in a tight hold and he still squirmed and thrashed. His face was fire engine red he was so angry! The drops had started to dry by the time the nurse pricked so she wasn't optimistic on the result. We waited the 15 minutes and Ricky calmed down. Dr. T came in to take a look and his expression told me that all was not well. The test prick/control did not seem to react. As Dr. T put it, "Ricky's skin did not react to the control" So there was no way to read the results and no reason to continue. All that and we got zero info.

Now we have a request for more blood work to do after his 2 year checkup. Dr. T is not sure if the lab will be able to get all the blood needed so he prioritized the requests. Lucky I have great organization tools and have it all documented. The bottom line is another trip to the lab to do another big blood draw. And the penicillin issue - the decision is not to worry about the testing and go right to the desensitization once we get all the other information back.

Why can't anything ever be easy? Why does it all have to be such a trial? This poor little thing has already been through the ringer and he is just turning 2. We have had numerous huge blood draws and now 3 allergy skin tests. I looked at his records and in 6 months he has had 4 sinus infections and 2 ear infections. I did not even realize this b/c the antibiotics usually clear them up. It make take 6 weeks but they go away sooner or later. So if I think about it in 6 months he has had 4 sinus infections that have taken at at least 3 to 4 weeks to clear. That is a lot of time sick for such a little guy. He falls under the radar b/c his sister has such big infections with such major antibiotic issues that she sometimes hogs center stage. So she is our zebra who gets hit big and he is our zebra who gets hit often. At least they each have their own style!

As Ricky's mommy, I feel sad for him and my heart breaks. I am struggling with the gratitude and silver lining part tonight. I look at him and wish I could make his life easier. I hug him and wish I could make it all go away. I wish I could magically fix the IgG and somehow put some IgA into him. There is no way to put into words how much I love my Little Man and how hard it is to know that he has a lifetime to struggle with this.

Bottom line on my heartbreak and worry - faith and prayer. I have made the promise that I will do my best to parent both kids in the most "normal" way possible. I don't want them to just think of themselves as zebras or pidd kids. I want them to view themselves as a person who happens to have pidd. Ricky is so much more than his pidd. He is a lovable, warm, funny and smart kid who loves to laugh and play. I need to take a bath, read my meditation books, say my prayers and take some quiet time with God. It is in that time that I feel God's love and strength fill my heart and soul. It is those moments that my "lifeline" to God refuels me so I can be the best Mom to my sweet little boy.