I went out to dinner with some women tonight that I have know forever. We have been going out to dinner pretty much monthly for approximately 10 years. I have considered these people my friends. The past 2 or 3 times I went I felt out of the loop. I came home feeling kind of funky and did not enjoy the evening. I convinced myself it was me and my insecurities. The last time the email went out I pondered whether to go or not. I decided to give it another try and see how I felt at the end of the night.
The honest truth on how I feel - I feel like complete crap! I feel so not a part of and like I am not connected with any of these women. During the evening I began to feel ashamed of who I am and what I am about. I was feeling not good enough b/c I am an emotional, reactive and high anxiety person who is hyperfocused on my kids. I came home with a huge pit in my stomach and feeling like an unlovable/unlikable person.
This is where this post shows a little growth and hope. You see in the past I would have believed the messages my brain was sending. My heart and soul would have bought into it 100%. I still feel like crap but I know that this is all just for the moment. Point one is who really cares what these people think. How important are they in my life really? Point two is even if my assessment of how they see me is correct, do I really have a problem with it? I am highly emotional, reactive and anxious. I do focus on my kids and my job as Mom. So these descriptions may be right on the money. What about them make me unlovable or unlikable? Maybe to some people but there are people who may actually appreciate my craziness. And what is wrong with loving your kids up with everything you have? In my opinion, more people should do it b/c a lot of kids need it.
I suppose it is normal that you run into people and situations that push insecurity buttons. In life you also outgrow groups and relationships. This may just be the case with this group. All of these women are fine people. I have no ill will for any of them. I believe that somewhere along this square peg just stop fitting in. Maybe I never did but wanted to so badly that I was willing to force it. It could be that I have just grown or changed enough that when I get this feeling it is no longer acceptable. I am just comfortable or confident with myself to not feel the need to push myself into a round hole. I am beginning to like myself enough that when someone or something makes me feel bad, it is unacceptable.
The saying goes, "God don't make junk". I used to hate that saying b/c I was sure I was the junk that just slipped past Him. Now I know that is untrue. I realize that people make their own opinions and judgments of me and my choices. I don't need to worry about any of that. I just need to have faith and do the next right thing. Most importantly I have to remember:
Always be yourself, because the people who matter don't mind and the people
who mind, DON"T MATTER!
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