Stop

Have you ever just stopped, looked around and thought "My life is so awesome!" I find that happening to me frequently these days. It could be when the kids are playing or when Rick and Maggie are having a conversation about the solar system. Or it could be when Ricky is tackling his sister and they are falling down in fits of laughter. And then again it could be when Rick is curled up next to me at night. Some of my favorite moments are when Rick and the kids are watching t.v. at the end of the day. Both Ricky and Maggie are jumping all over Daddy as he pretends to "sleep". They stop to watch a little of their "night, night" show and start all over again. The laughter and goofiness fills me up.

I have no idea how I got this blessed but I thank God every day for it all. I sometimes forget or the old anxiety comes back. Then I look around and am reminded of all the wonderful people and moments around me. I live for those moments when I stop and my heart fills up. Life is not just good - it is GREAT!

Growth

The past 6 months have been a time of growth for me. I feel like I have been that snake whose skin was to small and had to be shed. The process has been sometimes painful and rough. Other times it has been freeing and invigorating. I have learned so much about myself and found a confidence and peace that I did not know existed. It seems as if most of my relationships have changed in some capacity. I have ended friendships, started new ones and some have transitioned into a new stage.

One of the biggest relationships that has changed is with Rick. I have always loved him with all my heart and soul. He is my best friend and loves me in spite of myself. We are extremely different people; I am the emotional part and he is the cerebral part of the relationship. Our communication, or lack thereof, has sometimes left a lot to be desired.

Our journey got a little rocky the past year or so and we had some realities to face. There were moments were I felt we had failed and our relationship was rocked to its core. Thank God we were both willing to to attend counseling and got a solid base to work with. After a few sessions and some much needed information from a couple of resources, we went to work.

It hasn't been easy and there are still some rough moments. Overall, we have shaken away the baggage of our growing up and families. We now look at each other with more open and understanding eyes. Our fights and discussions have results and understanding. It is as if we have finally grown up and can be partners on this journey.

My husband and I both have our faults. We are human and we stumble along the road. In the end, we love each other and are committed to the forever we promised 5 years ago. Neither one of us can visual life without each other. We are clear on our goals and the priorities we have for our life together. Rick and I are grateful for our 2 blessings and revel in the joy they bring to us.

We got married 5 years ago but lately it feels like we have hit that newlywed spot all over again. What was old is now new and our relationship has been re-energized. I was listening to the kids' Jack Johnson cd this week and this one song just reminded me of our relationship:

I was broken but I would rather be broken-down with you in my life!

I would rather struggle through the hard times and celebrate the good times with Rick than anything else anyone could offer me. I thank God daily for the wonderful man he put into my life as my husband and the father of my children.

Choices

Today Maggie visited Dr. T to solve our asthma dilemma. Her lungs have been bothering her and she has had a little trouble breathing. We have been dealing with this for over a week. It hasn't been emergency/crisis type situation but she certainly has struggled a bit. We went to the pediatrician and he heard a wheeze (worrisome for a child who doesn't wheeze with her asthma). This stressed me out but we managed. I utilized the knowledge and tools I knew to keep it under control until we could get in to Dr. T. Our pediatrician also mentioned that Maggie might be "making it up" so not to have to do quiet time or get some extra attention. I disagreed.

After an exam and a breathing test, Dr. T told us that Maggie's lungs were inflamed. She had a virus that caused the inflammation and the medicine she was taking it was not knocking it out. So he changed her medicine and put her on Symbicort. Ricky was destroying the exam room and both kids were ready for lunch so I took the sample and off we went. I got home and happened to see a commercial for Symbicort and read the leaflet about the medicine. It scared the crap out of me. This medicine is supposedly not prescribed for children under 12 and it can cause all kinds of craziness.

I have spent all night researching this drug, getting other people's experiences and trying to educate myself on the ins and outs of the drug. I am trying to remember that we trust Dr. T and he would never give her something he did not think was needed. This is the life of a chronically ill child. To treat a condition, she needs to take medication with all kinds of crazy side effects. How can I be okay with that as her Mom?

I am not okay with that fact. I HATE that fact! I want to scream at the top of my lungs about how unfair it all is. I want to beat the hell out of my pillow. I want to cry and hold her as tight as I can without suffocating her. But I am her Mom and it is my job to help her feel that this is not big deal. It is just a part of life and a small part at that.

I am her advocate and I will call the doctor tomorrow. I will question b/c that is also my job. I will ask why Dr. T chose this medicine and if there is a safer option. I will continue to question all medical decisions until I feel comfortable that all stones have been overturned. This is not my car, this is one of my most precious blessings.

Did I Do That?

Earlier today I watched as Maggie and Ricky played in their playroom. All I could think of was - did I create those little beings running around? I am just amazed that I had anything to do with these wonderful sweethearts. I again, humbly thank God that I was chosen to be their Momma. It is the best job I have ever had and I love them both more than I can ever say.

Wouldn't Change a Thing

I am exhausted and I feel like I can barely lift my hands to type. I am hoping this is just a virus that I need to shake. The fact that Maggie seems to be following suit makes me think it is. I have felt pretty out of it and sometimes that can lead me to feel pretty disconnected and negative. For some reason, not this time. Maybe it is just where I am in life and the work I have done in important relationships.

Rick is very different than I am and sometimes I can get extremely frustrated with him. We have done a lot of work the past few months on our marriage and so I feel we are at a stronger place. He just came up to check how I feel and we took a couple minutes of quiet time to touch base on important issues like the Easter Bunny and his baskets. The past couple of days have been a bit chaotic b/c I have struggled to keep up but Rick has done what he can to fill in the where I have dropped the ball.

My babies are also older so it is easier to curl up and play quieter games with them. Or curl up and let them run crazy circles around me. They are much more independent and so I can take a couple minutes to close my eyes. Plus I have great kids who I truly enjoy. Being with them even though I am beyond exhausted is still a blessing and fun.

I am right where I want to be in my life. I have days, like recently, where I feel like crap. In the end, that all passes and I am still the most blessed woman ever. I am blessed b/c I have such a wonderful life filled with love, faith and hope.

MIA

Sorry to have been so absent. I have been out of it because I have been so sick. I thought the exhaustion was from our medical craziness and a night of little sleep. So on Thursday night I got into bed early hoping to be rested and feeling better on Friday morning. My hopes were dashed when I woke up feeling more exhausted and worse than I did the night before. I spent Friday napping and resting as Rick took charge and the kids played around me. I still am struggling to feel better. I am exhausted, my body aches and my chest/throat/ears are killing me.

The "bes"t part is that Maggie is right there with me. She is struggling with her asthma and is achey. When she says her lungs hurt, I am right there with her b/c I feel like an elephant is sitting on mine. I just hope that her asthma stays somewhat manageable until Dr. T is in on Monday. I have had to use her emergency inhaler a bit to much for my liking this week.

I am praying we get rid of these germs sooner than later. I am hoping somehow Ricky misses them but I am not sure how realistic that is. For today, I am going to take a hot bath and curl back up in my bed. I will dream of healthy days and lots of energy.

Tired

I have finally got Maggie to sleep in her own bed. The last few nights I have fallen asleep with her curled up with me. This has been partly because of her fears and partly because of mine. Tonight I am exhausted so I followed our normal routine and put her to bed in her own bed at her bedtime. It is so hard for me to let go especially with all that has happened the past couple of days. In the end I have to let go or both of us will go crazy. So tonight I will watch my soaps that I have missed the past couple of days. I will take a bath and do my prayers. Then I will check on her and kiss her goodnight. Finally, I will crawl in bed and hopefully get a restful night of sleep.

Asthma

I have a memory from last spring that is as vivid in my mind as if it happened yesterday. I am driving to Whole Foods with Maggie. She has been coughing since the night before but I have done all her asthma medications. We have an appointment with her allergist in the afternoon and I don't want to leave her so I drag her to the grocery store. We are almost there when she starts a horrid coughing jag. It sounds as if she cannot get any air and so I turn around to take a look at her. Suddenly fear takes over my body. My baby's lips are blue and she has a look of shear panic in her eyes. Maggie was coughing and gasping for breath at the same time.

Here I am driving and feeling completely powerless to help my child. I called her doctor as I was driving. They advised to take her directly to the ER and do not stop at go. So I headed to the nearest ER. I parked and grabbed her out of the car as fast as I could. By now, she wasn't coughing anymore. Maggie was just gasping for air and trying to cry out "Mommy". I ran into the ER and the staff grabbed her away to start treating her immediately. We gave her oxygen and a breathing treatment. In the end she survived but the fear lives in my soul of those moments.

I ended up taking Maggie to her doctor that afternoon. We found out she had a collapsed lung and he started the ball rolling on all of her immune blood work. From that day, the asthma part of the kids medical concerns scares the hell out of me. I live in fear that in a quick moment, one of them will suddenly lose that ability which is so essential to life - breathing.

This memory is why I am fearful tonight. Maggie is not only experiencing an asthma flare up but she is wheezing. My kids have cough variant asthma which means on a normal basis they don't wheeze. So the wheezing is not good news and a bit worrisome. The last time she wheezed her lung collapsed and we spent weeks stabilizing her breathing.

The silver linings are: we now know all the facts, I am more experienced in dealing with the situation, we have a great medical team and God is with us. I will follow the doctor's directions, make sure she has all the needed medicine at the right time and nag her to slow down. I will also say lots of prayers, curl up with her at bedtime and probably watch her every move. Most important I will work at staying in the moment and not the fear of the past. It feels near impossible tonight but hopefully I will be better at it in the morning!

Spring

Spring has arrived. It is full of rebirth, blooming flowers and warmer weather. Unfortunately, to me, it is not beautiful. It is more like hell. I am struck down with spring allergies. Every morning I wake up with the aches and congested. I have to pull myself out of bed and take an allergy pill. It sucks!

Worse than my dilemma, is poor Maggie. She is having the sniffles, sneezes and itchy eyes of spring. I have started giving her the daily antihistamine. Of course, it is costing an arm and a leg but it is one that won't make her tired. To complicate matters, the allergies and post-nasal drip have sparked her asthma. So we have spent the last 3 days trying to stabilize it. I have added albuterol to her medication to try and change the flow of things.

Maggie is afraid of what will happen if she admits to having something wrong. We are battling her medical fears and I am trying to encourage her to be honest with me. The more she lets me know and the earlier, the easier it will be to tame the beast. I have explained to her that if she tells me (or her teachers, Dad, etc) that her lungs hurt, we can fix it before the coughing starts. Maggie is tentative but trying.

So here we are at the beginning of spring. The pollen has just started to head upwards. We are already battling and I feel like we are just keeping our head above water. How far away is summer?

Picture Perfect

Perfect walk: Rick and Maggie walking ahead talking about the moon and planets, leaves and the clouds. I am walking with Ricks and he is holding onto my fingers. We walk slowly and every now and then he stops to take a couple jumps. Ricks points out the trees, cars and a dog. He laughs as we jump together. His smile is priceless. Our walks takes a long time and Rick and Maggie stop a couple times for us to catch up. We don't mind b/c we are laughing and far to busy to notice. I am thanking God for these moments. Soon enough this little boy who holds on to my fingers will be to busy for lazy afternoon walks. He will be off playing sports, hanging with friends and finding his own path to follow. I will love and support him with each step. Most importantly, I will hold on to the memory of that little face looking up and laughing as he points to the 30th tree we have seen. Our walk was perfect, the memory is perfect and my baby boy is perfectly wonderful!

Birthday Weekend

This weekend is my baby boy's 2nd birthday. How is it Mr. Ricks is 2? I feel like it was just yesterday that that he was born. I can remember so clearly how quiet it was after everyone left the night he was born. All I did was cuddle and snuggle with my sweet boy. He was so sweet and little. Now he is my big boy who keeps moving and doesn't have a lot of time for cuddling and snuggling.

I know I can't expect Ricks to stay a baby forever. I can't freeze time or stop him from growing. Honestly, part of me can't wait to see who he grows up to be. I can't wait to share in all the great moments and challenges that he has on his journey. I am excited to see what a wonderful man he is going to grow into.

I just love Ricky and want to capture every moment in my heart. He is the best surprise I ever got and a blessing to our family. He is our comic relief and his smile is contagious. Ricks has made Rick and I better parents and Maggie a better person. I can't picture life without him. It is like you never knew you needed something or someone and when you get it - you are not sure how you ever lived without it. I wanted one child and never expected to have a little boy. Now I can't ever picture my life without my Little Man. Ricks is my moon & stars.

Extraordinary Kid

This past week Maggie spoke to her class at school about having pidd. She explained she had Selective IgA Deficiency and how she is missing her IgA. I couldn't believe how old my baby had gotten. She was so confident and poised as she shared all her information on IV's and germs.

I shared this information in a pidd group I belong to. A woman who edits a magazine for kids with pidd sent me a message asking to profile Maggie in the magazine. I was amazed b/c to me this is just Maggie. I spoke with the woman today and she wants to feature Maggie in a section about extraordinary kids. In my world both of my kids are extraordinary but it blew me away to hear someone else saw it. I was teary-eyed at the fact that someone who is an acquaintance realized how out of this world wonderful my girl is.

Maggie is very smart for her age. Sometimes her emotions even catch up with her brain. More importantly she has a heart of gold and an amazing soul. I am proud to be her Mom. I humbly accept compliments on my parenting (it helps my ego) but some of it is just her wonderful self. I thank God every day that he blessed me with this angel. I can't say enough how much I love her. I reread my blog and often feel that a lot of entries are just love poems to my kids. I think it will be great if someday they could read them so they realize that everyday since the moment I knew they existed I have loved them with everything I am.

Today I gush about Maggie but Ricks' birthday is right around the corner. I will be mushy about him soon enough : )

Maggie's Conversation

My little Miss Maggie is wise beyond her years. To be bit of a bragging Mom, she has been assessed at approx 6 years old when she is only turning 4 in April. I am constantly amazed at her observations and conversations. The honest truth is sometimes her 3 year old emotions don't always catch up to her 6 year old brain but that is another post.

Maggie is very into Easter and Jesus. She is trying hard to understand both cognitively and emotionally what it is all about. This afternoon at lunch she looked at me with those big blue eyes and asked, "Mommy tell me again why those people didn't like Jesus?" So I tried to share with her, to the best of my ability, why the "people" were mad at Jesus. Finally, as lunch was finishing, she said, "It is sad Mommy b/c they didn't let Jesus be their friend. Jesus is the best friend people can have. He really loves people."

Amazing! This kid gets it in such a simple and honest way. I am so proud of her in so many ways. I am not just proud b/c she is smart but b/c she has such a faith. Maggie loves God and truly believes that Jesus is one of her best friends. I have tried to teach her, be a role model and remind her daily of God's love. In one small moment she has showed me that she not only gets it but that she embraces it. Amen and Alleluia!

Square Peg & the Round Hole

I went out to dinner with some women tonight that I have know forever. We have been going out to dinner pretty much monthly for approximately 10 years. I have considered these people my friends. The past 2 or 3 times I went I felt out of the loop. I came home feeling kind of funky and did not enjoy the evening. I convinced myself it was me and my insecurities. The last time the email went out I pondered whether to go or not. I decided to give it another try and see how I felt at the end of the night.

The honest truth on how I feel - I feel like complete crap! I feel so not a part of and like I am not connected with any of these women. During the evening I began to feel ashamed of who I am and what I am about. I was feeling not good enough b/c I am an emotional, reactive and high anxiety person who is hyperfocused on my kids. I came home with a huge pit in my stomach and feeling like an unlovable/unlikable person.

This is where this post shows a little growth and hope. You see in the past I would have believed the messages my brain was sending. My heart and soul would have bought into it 100%. I still feel like crap but I know that this is all just for the moment. Point one is who really cares what these people think. How important are they in my life really? Point two is even if my assessment of how they see me is correct, do I really have a problem with it? I am highly emotional, reactive and anxious. I do focus on my kids and my job as Mom. So these descriptions may be right on the money. What about them make me unlovable or unlikable? Maybe to some people but there are people who may actually appreciate my craziness. And what is wrong with loving your kids up with everything you have? In my opinion, more people should do it b/c a lot of kids need it.

I suppose it is normal that you run into people and situations that push insecurity buttons. In life you also outgrow groups and relationships. This may just be the case with this group. All of these women are fine people. I have no ill will for any of them. I believe that somewhere along this square peg just stop fitting in. Maybe I never did but wanted to so badly that I was willing to force it. It could be that I have just grown or changed enough that when I get this feeling it is no longer acceptable. I am just comfortable or confident with myself to not feel the need to push myself into a round hole. I am beginning to like myself enough that when someone or something makes me feel bad, it is unacceptable.

The saying goes, "God don't make junk". I used to hate that saying b/c I was sure I was the junk that just slipped past Him. Now I know that is untrue. I realize that people make their own opinions and judgments of me and my choices. I don't need to worry about any of that. I just need to have faith and do the next right thing. Most importantly I have to remember:

Always be yourself, because the people who matter don't mind and the people
who mind, DON"T MATTER!

Quiet Night

Tonight all is quiet. The kids are asleep, my husband is studying and I am just finishing my work on the computer. It has been a busy day and we have another buys one tomorrow. My sinus headache won't clear up and I am already hating spring allergies. I did manage my 30 minutes on the treadmill and am walking 1.7 miles. That is exciting!

So it is all life on life's terms. I have no crisis or revelation to blog about. I just have the normal day to day routine of our life. This is good. For years, I thrived on drama and crisis. Some days that still feels good to the soul but most of the time it is just exhausting. Today I revel in the calmness. I love the quiet and the serenity. It enfolds me and reminds me that this is a great way to live.

I am off to a hot bath, mediation and sleep. I have to recharge for another day of a wonderful life. A life that is full and amazing. Thanks to God for His goodness and love!

Simply Grateful

Today I am simply and absolutely grateful. I have so much and sometimes I forget to look around and notice. It fills me with happiness and love as I remember each one. God has blessed me a million times over. I know the hard times will come again and the I will struggle. I realize that each moment passes both good and bad. I feel a safety in the fact that God is there for both. He is my lifeline. My faith gives me strength to work through the bad times and joy to celebrate the good. I cherish each and every moment for they have led me to where I am today. And today I am just where I want to be.

Serenity

Tonight I feel a peace and serenity flowing through me. It was a very quiet and lazy Sunday. Maggie and I did not even venture out to church/Sunday school. Maggie woke us up at 8 am this morning with a bright and cheery "Good morning". Ricky soon started making his own noises and Maggie decided to check on him. I listened to my babies on the monitor as they laughed and talked. Maggie read Ricky a couple of books - only his favorites like Brown Bear, Brown Bear or Little Babies. My heart filled with gratitude and happiness as they continued to play.

Finally at 8:45 am, I heard Maggie say, "Mommy I think Ricks wants to get out of his cribby now!" So we came down to cuddle on the couch with our orange juices and a good Dora. All four of us were snuggled up under a couple of blankets singing the songs and enjoying quiet time together. We ate breakfast and finished the morning playing in the playroom. How can I put into words the feelings of gratitude as I curled up with Rick and the kids explored and played? Every few minutes one or the other would bring us a toy. Maggie had lots of great games and ideas for all of us to do together. I was amazed at how well she did puzzles and awed by her gymnastics "tricks" Ricky, of course, made us all laugh as he danced around and played hide and seek behind the dollhouse.

That was the beginning of our day. We shared lunch, had quiet time and then Daddy had to study. The kids and I spent the time coloring, spelling and reading. Maggie wrote some words I didn't even know she knew how to spell! At dinnertime, Rick came up and we made dinner together and enjoyed a relaxing meal together. The kids enjoyed tubs and finally it was the end of the evening.

I had to go out so I kissed my family goodbye as they sat on the couch in the beginning our night-night routine. As I drove in my car, my heart was full of a day filled with laughter and love. I thanked God for this life he has blessed me with. It amazes me time and time again just how blessed I am. I came home and Maggie was still awake. I kissed her goodnight and she told me, "Mommy I missed you b/c I love you so much." What a gift she is!

Now I am winding down my night. I will do my walking and mediating. Tomorrow is a busy day. Rick and Maggie have school. Ricky and I have errands in the morning. Maggie has a checkup for her allergies and asthma with Dr. T. I don't even feel stressed about the appointment even though a scratch test is probably going to happen. That is tomorrow and we will get through it.

I feel God and his love. I know that he has blessed me with many gifts and miracles. I believe that no matter what happens in the next minute, ten minutes, 24 hours, etc. He is with me. With God by my side I don't have to have fear/anxiety. I just need to trust His love and have faith in His guidance. Thank you God for all you have blessed me with and all that is yet to come. I continue to place my life in your hands and hold on to your lifeline.

Lazy Days

So last night I ended my day with a good cry in the tub and some relaxing and quieting mediation. As I drifted off to sleep I felt a peacefulness come over me. I knew, with all confidence, that God was with me. I do not need to worry about my family or what is to come but whatever it is God will guide me and hold us close.

This morning I was woken up at 8 am by a little voice asking if she could snuggle up and watch a Little Einstein. Maggie cuddled up and I snoozed a bit more. By 8:30 I heard Ricky start chattering away in his crib. Finally I got everyone up and we started our day. I got a wonderful surprise as Rick took the kids to the playroom. I got a few minutes to do a couple things and take a nice long shower. It was an appreciated break.

Rick left for a few appointments. The kids and I continued to play in the playroom. I sat and watched them play. They ran, danced and laughed. Maggie grabbed Ricky for a hug and he squirmed away. Both kids came over to touch base with me, giving me lots of hugs and kisses. I felt such gratitude for my life. I have a husband who loves me, good and bad. We have 2 kids who are amazing.

Once upon a time, approximately 10 years ago, I thought I would be alone forever. I would never find a partner who would love me completely and be my best friend. The children I so longed for would just be a faint dream lost to the consequences of choices. Then I met Rick and was lucky enough to marry him. I ached for a baby (esp. a baby girl). It seemed like a lifetime but soon enough I held my precious Maggie in my arms. She was my miracle and my soul.

Life was perfect and I was afraid to ask for anything more. I decided Rick and Maggie were all I needed. Boy was I wrong! I learned an important lesson in life - God has a better idea of what I need in my life then I ever will. How did I learn that lesson? His name is Ricky. I had made the decision Maggie was to be an only child and about a week later the pregnancy test was positive. Ricky is the best surprise I ever got. I tell him daily that I didn't realize how much I needed him until he was here. His laughter and smile warm our lives daily. Maggie adores him and tells me frequently that "when she was a little baby she prayed to Jesus for a Ricky". Ricky brings out this awesome side of Rick. I think my husband looks forward to sharing all that good "boy" stuff like cars, engines and trains with his son. I watch Rick ruffle Ricky's hair as he leaves or the look of pride when Ricks plays cars and does a good "vrrroooommm". My heart just fills with love.

Now for me, Ricky has changed me in so many ways. He is my heart and my laughter. I feel I am a better person since he has been born. I have learned to be more flexible and less focused on "what" I should do. I spoil him like crazy and love him up every chance I get. Yes he is my baby and a momma's boy. I know that I need to learn to let him go but while he is with me I am going to take advantage of every moment.

So here I am with this amazing family. We have our obstacles and our hurdles. There are bad days and hard moments. I struggle with things esp my own defects. Then I take a look around and realize that for whatever reason, God has blessed me with this life. I have a chance to enjoy every minute and soak it up. I am truly thankful and speechless.

Tears

I want to burst in to tears and my stomach is a huge pit. I just feel like sitting down and having a huge cry. To put the cherry on top, I am not sure exactly why and I feel a bit goofy b/c I have so much to be grateful for. The catalyst for this need to purge with the waterworks - Ricky's appointment today with we Dr. T.

The virus part went well. Ricky is, for the 1st time since mid-January, 100% healthy! That is major and much celebrated. There is a part of me that wants to do a "happy dance" b/c we seemed to have actually beaten the germs.

The allergy testing did not go as well. We had to test for penicillin which is a bit harder than the normal test b/c the drops dry so fast. Ricky did not seem to care about this and he threw a fit. As soon as the nurse attempted to put the drops on, he lost it. I had to hold him in a tight hold and he still squirmed and thrashed. His face was fire engine red he was so angry! The drops had started to dry by the time the nurse pricked so she wasn't optimistic on the result. We waited the 15 minutes and Ricky calmed down. Dr. T came in to take a look and his expression told me that all was not well. The test prick/control did not seem to react. As Dr. T put it, "Ricky's skin did not react to the control" So there was no way to read the results and no reason to continue. All that and we got zero info.

Now we have a request for more blood work to do after his 2 year checkup. Dr. T is not sure if the lab will be able to get all the blood needed so he prioritized the requests. Lucky I have great organization tools and have it all documented. The bottom line is another trip to the lab to do another big blood draw. And the penicillin issue - the decision is not to worry about the testing and go right to the desensitization once we get all the other information back.

Why can't anything ever be easy? Why does it all have to be such a trial? This poor little thing has already been through the ringer and he is just turning 2. We have had numerous huge blood draws and now 3 allergy skin tests. I looked at his records and in 6 months he has had 4 sinus infections and 2 ear infections. I did not even realize this b/c the antibiotics usually clear them up. It make take 6 weeks but they go away sooner or later. So if I think about it in 6 months he has had 4 sinus infections that have taken at at least 3 to 4 weeks to clear. That is a lot of time sick for such a little guy. He falls under the radar b/c his sister has such big infections with such major antibiotic issues that she sometimes hogs center stage. So she is our zebra who gets hit big and he is our zebra who gets hit often. At least they each have their own style!

As Ricky's mommy, I feel sad for him and my heart breaks. I am struggling with the gratitude and silver lining part tonight. I look at him and wish I could make his life easier. I hug him and wish I could make it all go away. I wish I could magically fix the IgG and somehow put some IgA into him. There is no way to put into words how much I love my Little Man and how hard it is to know that he has a lifetime to struggle with this.

Bottom line on my heartbreak and worry - faith and prayer. I have made the promise that I will do my best to parent both kids in the most "normal" way possible. I don't want them to just think of themselves as zebras or pidd kids. I want them to view themselves as a person who happens to have pidd. Ricky is so much more than his pidd. He is a lovable, warm, funny and smart kid who loves to laugh and play. I need to take a bath, read my meditation books, say my prayers and take some quiet time with God. It is in that time that I feel God's love and strength fill my heart and soul. It is those moments that my "lifeline" to God refuels me so I can be the best Mom to my sweet little boy.

AT Day

Tomorrow is allergy-testing day for Ricky. I am nervous, but not about the results. I am nervous about trying to get a very active 23 month old to sit still long enough to get the results. I will take the Dora movies, some books and a couple of toys but I may just have to hold him down. I have started saying my prayers today for patience and assistance.

They are testing for penicillin so if antibiotics are needed we are not stuck like we are with Maggie. Of course, we will redo the egg to see where we are on that one. Last time we tested the allergy seemed to decrease so we did a blood test. The blood test showed we could do an egg challenge. We actually got to the appointment but Ricky wasn't healthy enough. Every time we tried, he was sick and it had to be canceled. Then came the flu shot and we learned that Ricky could still not have egg. They gave him one dose of the flu and BAM! He had a reaction and had to take Benydrl. So that was the end of that.

I was so excited that Ricky might have grown out of the allergy so fast. It would make life easier and my anxiety a lot less. The choice to send him to school would be a lot less stressful. Even the whole process of leaving him with someone would be less complicated. No epi pen or list of what he cannot have. I have people who I trust to watch Ricks if need be but I still always feel on high alert.

It is not as if we would run out and buy a dozen eggs. I cannot eat eggs either so scrambled eggs for breakfast is not in our future. It would just lessen the stress of letting Ricks grow up and leave the nest. I would feel better letting go if I didn't have to worry that one wrong bit of food and we would be heading to the ER.

So off we go to to Dr. T to find out the answers to these questions. Please say prayers and wish us (really me)luck!

Sexy

Eight years ago when I met my husband, my definition of sexy was very different than it is today. Back then it was his smile, his voice, his hands or a multitude of other characteristics. Over time, the definition has changed in many ways. I suppose that is normal in the course of a relationship.

I hadn't thought about it in awhile. As a couple, we have been pretty busy and scattered. Rick is stressed and extremely busy with school/studying. I am usually pretty consumed with the kids, any medical issues and trying to do at least a little housework. We spend very little time focused on each other. Lately, we have tried by instituting "date night" and just touching base for a quick minute at the end of the day. The honest truth is we are both usually exhausted by 9 pm and struggle to do anything. Most nights he usually studies until at least midnight and I am asleep by 11.

This morning I was racing to get Maggie ready and off to school. I came down stairs and saw Ricky wrestling with Ricky on the couch. They were both laughing and in that moment my husband was the sexiest I have ever seen him. Here he was, stressed out and exhausted, showing pure happiness with our son. Rick has his share of faults but his parenting is not one of them. I love listening to his conversations with Maggie. He patiently listens (better than he listens to me) to her. I have heard him give her explanations to her many questions such as, "Daddy how does the toilet work?" or "Daddy how far away is Hawaii and do you know how to get there?" For a guy not so into the physical, he lovingly showers her with hugs & kisses.

Now with Ricky, Rick spends a lot of time teaching him the right car noises or the different parts of a train. He loves hearing all the new words Ricks can say and enjoys each new milestone. He wrestles with him and tustles his hair when he says goodbye to him. The laughter and smiles are endless with both the kids.

So when I feel resentful or angry, I try to remember these moments. God has blessed my kids with not just a father but with a Dad who wants to be present 110%. I am thankful for a husband who works hard to provide not just the physical needs but the emotional/mental ones. When we struggle, Rick is willing to put in the work to provide our kids with a happy and loving home. How sexy can you get?