Today I drove by a church and loved the sign they had out front. It read "Love with Christ's heart" It jumped out at me and has stayed in my mind all day. The saying goes hand in hand with another mantra I have been trying to follow - "See people through God's eyes". I love the idea of seeing the world through God's eyes and loving people with Christ's heart. How awesome is that?!
When I was struggling with Rick someone told me to look at him through God's eyes. It was amazing how I no longer felt anger or resentment. I noticed all the amazing things about him and started to appreciate the positive. The past month I feel like I have rediscovered all those reasons I fell in love with him. And the best part is that I have felt lately as if I continue to fall in love with again on a daily basis. All because I changed my perspective and became more God-centered in the relationship.
That worked so well I started to utilize the mantra in all areas of my life. It is not perfect and I still have my moments. Overall, it has lessened the negative, the drama and any anxieties or resentments. I have been able to just see the positive in people. I can enjoy their friendship, time or even just a kindness. It has lessened the blow or end of some relationships. I can see that no one is to blame. I can remember all the positives and realize that sometimes a person's journey with you comes to end and they veer off onto their own path.
So today I am adding in the additional line of "love with Christ's heart". I truly believe they go hand in hand. Not only will I work to see someone as God would but to love them in the unconditional, loving nature of Christ. I will work not to be judgmental or harsh. I will offer my support, kindness, empathy and love when needed. I will try not to make my friendship or kindness based upon the cover of a book. No matter if the book is tattered, a bit crazy, a friend, or very lost, I will try to do my best to respond as God would.
I am as human as the next and can be instinctively a selfish individual. I will stumble and fall along my way. And I will get up, say a prayer for continued strength and guidance. I will ask to do God's will, not my own. I will try to remember that each person is child of God. With those prayers and thoughts I will put my hand out to whoever needs and try to be the best I can be.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Full
There used to be a hole inside my heart. It was dark, deep, fearful and painful. I tried to fill it with many things for many years. Everything I worked at shoving in there just slipped through and left me with the feelings of anger, emptiness, fear and pain. It festered and followed me for years. It bred anxiety, fear, hate, jealousy/envy and anger. I hated it yet couldn't seem to get rid of it.
Today my heart is full. It is full of God, faith, love and laughter. I was blessed with many miracles and God's grace. Both have offered me the chance to grow and change. I have stumbled and struggled. My mistakes have been many but my blessing have been overflowing. That empty hole is now so full it brings tears to my eyes when I think of all that is in my life. The lesson I learned is the only thing that will fill that space is God. God was always a presence but when I opened my heart the darkness disappeared.
I still have moments of fear, doubt, anger and even envy. I am only human. But the emotion passes and I am reminded of the miracles and blessings. Today I watched Rick as he was playing with Ricks. I watched as he fixed the garage. I realized that God has blessed me again with the gift of falling in love with my husband on a daily basis. We have our moments and it isn't perfect but lately, every time I look at Rick, my heart melts as it did those early days when we met.
I am the most blessed mother of 2 amazing children. These 2 angels that God has loaned out to me are the sun and moon of my life. I get to watch them grow and bloom. I have the opportunity to be there for my Mom as she ages. It is sometimes frustrating but always rewarding. I can be present when needed. Lately, I have been able to develop some new friendships and enjoy the old.
Life is amazing and great. It is full and rewarding. God's will has always been better than mine. And for that I am grateful. Mostly, I am thankful that He has filled the hole that was slowly sucking the life out of me. He has filled it with light, life and love. I just hope to share those gifts with the people in my life. May God bless us daily with His love and grace.
Today my heart is full. It is full of God, faith, love and laughter. I was blessed with many miracles and God's grace. Both have offered me the chance to grow and change. I have stumbled and struggled. My mistakes have been many but my blessing have been overflowing. That empty hole is now so full it brings tears to my eyes when I think of all that is in my life. The lesson I learned is the only thing that will fill that space is God. God was always a presence but when I opened my heart the darkness disappeared.
I still have moments of fear, doubt, anger and even envy. I am only human. But the emotion passes and I am reminded of the miracles and blessings. Today I watched Rick as he was playing with Ricks. I watched as he fixed the garage. I realized that God has blessed me again with the gift of falling in love with my husband on a daily basis. We have our moments and it isn't perfect but lately, every time I look at Rick, my heart melts as it did those early days when we met.
I am the most blessed mother of 2 amazing children. These 2 angels that God has loaned out to me are the sun and moon of my life. I get to watch them grow and bloom. I have the opportunity to be there for my Mom as she ages. It is sometimes frustrating but always rewarding. I can be present when needed. Lately, I have been able to develop some new friendships and enjoy the old.
Life is amazing and great. It is full and rewarding. God's will has always been better than mine. And for that I am grateful. Mostly, I am thankful that He has filled the hole that was slowly sucking the life out of me. He has filled it with light, life and love. I just hope to share those gifts with the people in my life. May God bless us daily with His love and grace.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Wings
Maggie and I ventured out to the mall this afternoon to run a couple of errands. I have noticed a lot lately how grown up she has become. No longer do I see any baby or toddler in her. She is a kid 100%. I am very proud of the girl who she has grown into but there are moments when I miss the baby she was.
Today at the mall I noticed a Mom with a little girl about one. They were sharing a snack in the food court. I looked over at my big girl as she sipped the lemonade we shared and remembered all those days and moments we have spent just being together. Before Ricky was born and when Rick was working, Maggie and I had lots of adventures. I loved just being with her and hanging out. I felt a little sentimental tug at the heart strings.
In a week and a half, my sweet girl starts pre-k. She is going to school five mornings. I groan at the thought of early mornings and a more structured schedule. I also feel a bit nostalgic at the thought of not being with her as much as we have. Chatting with Maggie is one of my favorite things. We love to laugh and wonder about why this is that way or what makes that work. I will miss her as she begins her educational journey into the world.
It is funny because I have my moments but Maggie is full force ready to go. She asks me daily when her school starts. I am informed of how excited she is at least a couple times of day. Maggie is not the kid to want to hang on to my apron strings. She is independent and has a strong desire to explore and learn. As much as I may want to hold her back and keep her close, I know that for her it is time to take this step.
With all that has happened and the immune deficiency, I can get anxious about sending her out into the world. Those anxieties are tamed by two things: Maggie and God. Maggie has shown me time and time again that she is more than capable of succeeding in this world. She is happy, smart and full of life. I know in the depths of my soul that whatever life throws her, she will beat it. Even in the short times she has been on her own (school or gymnastics) she has flourished. We have had to walk through and process some lessons but she always gets it and grows.
God is also a huge factor in believing that Maggie will be okay. I truly have faith that God is watching over and caring for her each moment. He will always be there for her. The added bonus is that Maggie has such a strong faith and connection with God. I know that on her journey, He will continue to fill her heart and she will continue to turn to Him for guidance.
Maggie has been one of the biggest blessings in my life. Approximately 5 years ago I found out I was pregnant. I have loved her with all I am since that moment. I have tried to capture each moment and am grateful that God picked out this perfect little girl just for me!
Today at the mall I noticed a Mom with a little girl about one. They were sharing a snack in the food court. I looked over at my big girl as she sipped the lemonade we shared and remembered all those days and moments we have spent just being together. Before Ricky was born and when Rick was working, Maggie and I had lots of adventures. I loved just being with her and hanging out. I felt a little sentimental tug at the heart strings.
In a week and a half, my sweet girl starts pre-k. She is going to school five mornings. I groan at the thought of early mornings and a more structured schedule. I also feel a bit nostalgic at the thought of not being with her as much as we have. Chatting with Maggie is one of my favorite things. We love to laugh and wonder about why this is that way or what makes that work. I will miss her as she begins her educational journey into the world.
It is funny because I have my moments but Maggie is full force ready to go. She asks me daily when her school starts. I am informed of how excited she is at least a couple times of day. Maggie is not the kid to want to hang on to my apron strings. She is independent and has a strong desire to explore and learn. As much as I may want to hold her back and keep her close, I know that for her it is time to take this step.
With all that has happened and the immune deficiency, I can get anxious about sending her out into the world. Those anxieties are tamed by two things: Maggie and God. Maggie has shown me time and time again that she is more than capable of succeeding in this world. She is happy, smart and full of life. I know in the depths of my soul that whatever life throws her, she will beat it. Even in the short times she has been on her own (school or gymnastics) she has flourished. We have had to walk through and process some lessons but she always gets it and grows.
God is also a huge factor in believing that Maggie will be okay. I truly have faith that God is watching over and caring for her each moment. He will always be there for her. The added bonus is that Maggie has such a strong faith and connection with God. I know that on her journey, He will continue to fill her heart and she will continue to turn to Him for guidance.
Maggie has been one of the biggest blessings in my life. Approximately 5 years ago I found out I was pregnant. I have loved her with all I am since that moment. I have tried to capture each moment and am grateful that God picked out this perfect little girl just for me!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Caterpillar to Butterfly
I was always the girl who wanted something. I wanted to be prettier, thinner, more popular or funnier. I wanted to find a boyfriend or a husband. I wanted to have a baby, to be the best mother, to be loved and liked by everyone. I wanted more money, a better house, someone to clean my house and my kids to go to the "right" schools.
It has been a struggle to differentiate between what I have wanted and what I have actually needed in my life. There were many moments where what I had was not good enough. The fact I had everything I needed (and even most of what I wanted) was not good enough because there was just that one piece missing. In the end, I was always a bit unhappy or envious because I just didn't "have it all".
This defect of character is something I have been working on now for over 10 years. I have stumbled and fallen on many occasions. There have been moments where I was good, only to come upon new struggles. It is a tough lesson to learn. A lesson I hope to continue to learn and to teach my children as they grow older.
In my life now I have all I need and most of what I want. The difference is I am extremely grateful and content with that fact. I can see and appreciate all the blessings and miracles God has blessed me with. I realize the silver linings and good things even in the harder moments. There is a peace in my heart that I have found that only comes from God.
Today I was sitting in the playroom and watching the kids play. My heart felt full of the love and happiness that surrounds our home. There are plenty of tough days. My husband still can drive me crazy (and I can drive him crazy), the kids still have cranky moments and I can be in a bad mood with the best of them. Things don't always go the way I want and life happens. With all of that, I can honestly say that it is perfectly unperfect.
In the past couple of weeks I have had my struggles. It feels like I had a couple of growing pains as far as friendships and relationships. I have felt like the caterpillar who has been in my chrysalis and is finally popping out to become the butterfly I was always meant to be. It only took 39 years (better late than never huh?). In transitioning to this butterfly I had to shed some unhealthy relationships that made me feel more like the ugly caterpillar than the butterfly. It was hard and painful but in the end I feel relieved and grateful. I learned a lot from the friendships and don't want to carry resentments or grudges. It was just time for both parties to move on.
I am grateful for starting to feel comfortable and confident in my own skin. It has been a tough road. I am grateful for all the people who helped me to get here. I am grateful for all the experiences, bad and good, that have brought me here. I have a full and happy life. I have a loving husband and 2 amazing children. We have family who are crazy but lovable in their own way. I have some great old friends and made some fabulous new friends. Most importantly, I have developed and nurtured a relationship with God who makes all of this possible. I searched for many years to fill the hole in my heart. To capture not only the needs in my life but all of the wants. And I have finally found the answer in my faith. God is the only person/thing that can fill me up and make me whole. With God in my heart I don't have to "want" for anything. The best part of the deal is this is just a small part of the journey. I have a full life ahead to celebrate, learn, discover, stumble and love!
It has been a struggle to differentiate between what I have wanted and what I have actually needed in my life. There were many moments where what I had was not good enough. The fact I had everything I needed (and even most of what I wanted) was not good enough because there was just that one piece missing. In the end, I was always a bit unhappy or envious because I just didn't "have it all".
This defect of character is something I have been working on now for over 10 years. I have stumbled and fallen on many occasions. There have been moments where I was good, only to come upon new struggles. It is a tough lesson to learn. A lesson I hope to continue to learn and to teach my children as they grow older.
In my life now I have all I need and most of what I want. The difference is I am extremely grateful and content with that fact. I can see and appreciate all the blessings and miracles God has blessed me with. I realize the silver linings and good things even in the harder moments. There is a peace in my heart that I have found that only comes from God.
Today I was sitting in the playroom and watching the kids play. My heart felt full of the love and happiness that surrounds our home. There are plenty of tough days. My husband still can drive me crazy (and I can drive him crazy), the kids still have cranky moments and I can be in a bad mood with the best of them. Things don't always go the way I want and life happens. With all of that, I can honestly say that it is perfectly unperfect.
In the past couple of weeks I have had my struggles. It feels like I had a couple of growing pains as far as friendships and relationships. I have felt like the caterpillar who has been in my chrysalis and is finally popping out to become the butterfly I was always meant to be. It only took 39 years (better late than never huh?). In transitioning to this butterfly I had to shed some unhealthy relationships that made me feel more like the ugly caterpillar than the butterfly. It was hard and painful but in the end I feel relieved and grateful. I learned a lot from the friendships and don't want to carry resentments or grudges. It was just time for both parties to move on.
I am grateful for starting to feel comfortable and confident in my own skin. It has been a tough road. I am grateful for all the people who helped me to get here. I am grateful for all the experiences, bad and good, that have brought me here. I have a full and happy life. I have a loving husband and 2 amazing children. We have family who are crazy but lovable in their own way. I have some great old friends and made some fabulous new friends. Most importantly, I have developed and nurtured a relationship with God who makes all of this possible. I searched for many years to fill the hole in my heart. To capture not only the needs in my life but all of the wants. And I have finally found the answer in my faith. God is the only person/thing that can fill me up and make me whole. With God in my heart I don't have to "want" for anything. The best part of the deal is this is just a small part of the journey. I have a full life ahead to celebrate, learn, discover, stumble and love!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Here's Hoping
Throughout today Maggie and Ricks have developed a case of the sniffles. Ricks started and I was hoping it was due to no Nasonex the past couple of days or allergies. I was so not on top of his medicine that it ran out and I realized the prescription had expired. Since we see Dr. T on Friday I just decided to wait until that appointment rather than calling.
Maggie has started the sniffles and her nose running this afternoon. I am sending prayers up that it is just allergies or a fluke. She has been healthy approximately a month. One month of no headache and feeling better. I want longer than a month for all of us. And if she gets a cold and it follows its usual course we will end up with the sinus inflammation and infection. I follow that journey to the antibiotic issue and there we are back at IV's within 4 months. The anxiety is starting to send out vibes a tiny bit. Okay I will back up and stay in the moment. All we have now is small sniffles and a tiny runny nose. I will just continue to pray. I have no idea what will happen tomorrow so I won't worry about it until we get there : )
The good news is that Dr. T is back in Cleveland. We saw him and his family at the Greek Festival we went to on Sunday. He has been on vacation for 2 weeks. It is always a bit unnerving to me when he is gone. I just feel safer and less stressed knowing he is only a phone call away. I may have to wait until morning or fight our way in for an appointment but he is in his office. It is crazy that Dr. T not being available can be a bit stressful but I am not the only Mom who feels this way. I spoke with another Dr. T patient Mom and she goes through the same emotion. I think it is because he is the captain of our ship. Our family relies on him and we trust him. Our kids feel a connection with him and believe he will do all he can to help them feel better. He is not just our doctor but a part of our family in a strange kind of way. Dr T is the go to guy! And thank you God, if the kids sniffles transition to colds and infections, that he is back in town.
Maggie has started the sniffles and her nose running this afternoon. I am sending prayers up that it is just allergies or a fluke. She has been healthy approximately a month. One month of no headache and feeling better. I want longer than a month for all of us. And if she gets a cold and it follows its usual course we will end up with the sinus inflammation and infection. I follow that journey to the antibiotic issue and there we are back at IV's within 4 months. The anxiety is starting to send out vibes a tiny bit. Okay I will back up and stay in the moment. All we have now is small sniffles and a tiny runny nose. I will just continue to pray. I have no idea what will happen tomorrow so I won't worry about it until we get there : )
The good news is that Dr. T is back in Cleveland. We saw him and his family at the Greek Festival we went to on Sunday. He has been on vacation for 2 weeks. It is always a bit unnerving to me when he is gone. I just feel safer and less stressed knowing he is only a phone call away. I may have to wait until morning or fight our way in for an appointment but he is in his office. It is crazy that Dr. T not being available can be a bit stressful but I am not the only Mom who feels this way. I spoke with another Dr. T patient Mom and she goes through the same emotion. I think it is because he is the captain of our ship. Our family relies on him and we trust him. Our kids feel a connection with him and believe he will do all he can to help them feel better. He is not just our doctor but a part of our family in a strange kind of way. Dr T is the go to guy! And thank you God, if the kids sniffles transition to colds and infections, that he is back in town.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
When Did That Happen?
Today I took Maggie and my Mom to the Greek Festival for some yummies. As my Mom and I walked, Maggie ran ahead. I watched her run and it floored me how much she has grown. She no longer has any baby in her. It is all girl! Tonight when I checked in on her while she was sleeping, I noticed it again. That little baby I held in my arms is now a beautiful young girl.
Tonight I woke Ricks up to change a stinky diaper. After I finished he was leaning against the couch. All of the sudden there was no baby in him either. He didn't even look like a toddler. He looked like a big boy. When did all of this growing happen? It was just yesterday I held him in my arms the night he was born. Time is flying by so fast.
Soon I will look at them and they will be grown up. In a blink of an eye they will be adults making their own choices and following their dreams. So I store away my memories and say a prayer for each of them. May God be their guide and hold them safe and close.
Tonight I woke Ricks up to change a stinky diaper. After I finished he was leaning against the couch. All of the sudden there was no baby in him either. He didn't even look like a toddler. He looked like a big boy. When did all of this growing happen? It was just yesterday I held him in my arms the night he was born. Time is flying by so fast.
Soon I will look at them and they will be grown up. In a blink of an eye they will be adults making their own choices and following their dreams. So I store away my memories and say a prayer for each of them. May God be their guide and hold them safe and close.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Memories
This morning Rick and Maggie decided we were going to take an afternoon outing to the zoo. I was not as excited because the usual during an outing like this is me carrying Mr. Ricks. I could hear my back groan with aches already. But Maggie's excitement to see the bears, monkeys and elephants coaxed me into agreement.
We forgot about quiet time and ate lunch early. As soon as Rick finished an appointment, we loaded up and headed out to explore at the zoo. We spent the afternoon visiting all kinds of animals and learning about each one. Maggie had so much fun learning new facts about the animals. She said she was, "kinda like Diego." Ricks was not so much into the animals as he enjoyed the open area to run and move. Rick and I just sat back and watched our two babies having so much fun. We enjoyed each moment, especially the cool train ride.
After 3 hours of fun zoo time, it was time to head home. We were hot, tired and ready to decompress. Maggie asked me to look at her. When I did she was smiling from ear to ear. She told me, "See this smile Mommy? It is because I had so much fun today at the zoo!" That in itself was worth any amount of money, the humidity or the sore/creaky back that is killing me now.
Today is one of those days where I wish I could freeze time for a few moments. I want to capture the fun and enjoyment we shared as a family. It is days like to day I will remember when the kids are off at college or starting lives of their own. I will remember the fun and the love we shared. The happiness that filled our hearts and the smiles that we wore on our faces. God has blessed me with these three wonderful people in my life. I have a husband who, even on his worst days, is my best friend. I have two kids who are the loves and lights of my life. It is so amazing to watch the world through their eyes. I don't want to miss a minute!
I was told by my Mother that these years will be gone in a blink of an eye. I believe it because the past four have gone so fast. I am so grateful to spend a day cherishing each blink and each blessing.
We forgot about quiet time and ate lunch early. As soon as Rick finished an appointment, we loaded up and headed out to explore at the zoo. We spent the afternoon visiting all kinds of animals and learning about each one. Maggie had so much fun learning new facts about the animals. She said she was, "kinda like Diego." Ricks was not so much into the animals as he enjoyed the open area to run and move. Rick and I just sat back and watched our two babies having so much fun. We enjoyed each moment, especially the cool train ride.
After 3 hours of fun zoo time, it was time to head home. We were hot, tired and ready to decompress. Maggie asked me to look at her. When I did she was smiling from ear to ear. She told me, "See this smile Mommy? It is because I had so much fun today at the zoo!" That in itself was worth any amount of money, the humidity or the sore/creaky back that is killing me now.
Today is one of those days where I wish I could freeze time for a few moments. I want to capture the fun and enjoyment we shared as a family. It is days like to day I will remember when the kids are off at college or starting lives of their own. I will remember the fun and the love we shared. The happiness that filled our hearts and the smiles that we wore on our faces. God has blessed me with these three wonderful people in my life. I have a husband who, even on his worst days, is my best friend. I have two kids who are the loves and lights of my life. It is so amazing to watch the world through their eyes. I don't want to miss a minute!
I was told by my Mother that these years will be gone in a blink of an eye. I believe it because the past four have gone so fast. I am so grateful to spend a day cherishing each blink and each blessing.
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