There have been a few different mantras I have come across lately in my mediation book. They have really helped me lately. I have reread them numerous times and they have put life into perspective. Each one has had its moment and reminded me of a few key points: stay in the present, gratitude, let go and have faith. I wanted to share a some of them:
It is not your circumstances that need altering so much as yourself.
There is a beauty in a God-guided life.
You need to be constantly recharged by the power of the spirit of God.
Take a blessing whereever you go.
You can prove to yourself that life is basically and fundamentally an inner attitude.
God has things planned for you, far beyond what you can imagine now.
Only now belongs to us.
This one really rings true - If you can take your troubles as they come, if you can maintain your calm and composure amid pressing duties and unending engagements, if you can rise above the distressing and disturbing circumstances in which you are set down, you have discovered a priceless secret of daily living.
And my favorite as of right now - Learn daily the lesson of trust and calm in the midst of the storms of life.
The last one is what I am really working on. To have trust and stay serene even on the worst day. I am not always perfect but I do sincerely try.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Shout It Out
A memo to my husband:
I know you hate emails and blogs but I am sometimes better at expressing myself when I write. And yes I am forcing you to read this as I did my previous letter. It is all part of my charm : ) I also want to shout it out to the world (or at least the few who happen to read my blog) that you are the most awesome husband a woman could ever hope for.
We have had our share of ups and downs. Lately we hit a few bumps along the way with life happening as life tends to do. There were moments we were not very patient or kind with each other. We snapped and sniped about the everyday and the not so everyday moments. It was not the life we wanted or promised in October of 2005 as we said those vows in front of family and friends.
In those same vows we promised for better or worse. So this was one of the "worse" moments and we had a decision of which way to go. You stood tall and stepped up. Together we talked, not only about what was best for us, but what was best for our children. The past couple of months, you have worked hard to do whatever you can to make the worse into the better. I have watched you change and grow. You have faced some fears and challenges with courage and strength.
When I tried to explain to someone about where we were at I had a hard time. I just couldn't find the right words to verbalize how our relationship has changed. It is no longer that "head over heels"/"you complete me" place. I tried talking about the connection/emotion part but I just couldn't quite put my finger on it. Last night and today when we talked it popped into my head like a light bulb. You are, and have been since the moment we started, my best friend. I know you feel the same because of our talks and our song (Best Friend by Queen).
When we met and fell in love I had expectations of what "love" and "marriage" was. I watched my family and friends, putting the same expectations on us. That was were I went wrong. On this journey I have learned that we are very different from all those I have seen or experienced. We are not the mushy love or cuddly love. I don't ever feel we will fit into that overemoting (although I am a bit overemotional sometimes). I don't see us in that category of the couples who are "so in love". Our relationship is built on friendship so deep and so connected. I don't make sense without you because you somehow ground me. Our love is a deep-rooted strength that just is. It keeps me safe, confident and strong. It is comfortable and warm. We will hit rough waters again but I know that what we have built is strong enough to hold us together. No matter what comes our way we will face it and grow stronger.
I love you with all that I am. You are my rock, my sense and my safe haven. I know that no matter what I say or do, in the end it is your arms that will make it all better.
Love,
Suzi
I know you hate emails and blogs but I am sometimes better at expressing myself when I write. And yes I am forcing you to read this as I did my previous letter. It is all part of my charm : ) I also want to shout it out to the world (or at least the few who happen to read my blog) that you are the most awesome husband a woman could ever hope for.
We have had our share of ups and downs. Lately we hit a few bumps along the way with life happening as life tends to do. There were moments we were not very patient or kind with each other. We snapped and sniped about the everyday and the not so everyday moments. It was not the life we wanted or promised in October of 2005 as we said those vows in front of family and friends.
In those same vows we promised for better or worse. So this was one of the "worse" moments and we had a decision of which way to go. You stood tall and stepped up. Together we talked, not only about what was best for us, but what was best for our children. The past couple of months, you have worked hard to do whatever you can to make the worse into the better. I have watched you change and grow. You have faced some fears and challenges with courage and strength.
When I tried to explain to someone about where we were at I had a hard time. I just couldn't find the right words to verbalize how our relationship has changed. It is no longer that "head over heels"/"you complete me" place. I tried talking about the connection/emotion part but I just couldn't quite put my finger on it. Last night and today when we talked it popped into my head like a light bulb. You are, and have been since the moment we started, my best friend. I know you feel the same because of our talks and our song (Best Friend by Queen).
When we met and fell in love I had expectations of what "love" and "marriage" was. I watched my family and friends, putting the same expectations on us. That was were I went wrong. On this journey I have learned that we are very different from all those I have seen or experienced. We are not the mushy love or cuddly love. I don't ever feel we will fit into that overemoting (although I am a bit overemotional sometimes). I don't see us in that category of the couples who are "so in love". Our relationship is built on friendship so deep and so connected. I don't make sense without you because you somehow ground me. Our love is a deep-rooted strength that just is. It keeps me safe, confident and strong. It is comfortable and warm. We will hit rough waters again but I know that what we have built is strong enough to hold us together. No matter what comes our way we will face it and grow stronger.
I love you with all that I am. You are my rock, my sense and my safe haven. I know that no matter what I say or do, in the end it is your arms that will make it all better.
Love,
Suzi
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Support and Encouragement
The past couple of days have been a bit rough. Ricks' appointment through me for a loop and Maggie has had a tough couple of days. This morning she spent over an hour on the couch because her head hurt. She cried a bit and just "needed a rest". I have felt a bit down, overwhelmed and exhausted. Even so, I have done all the footwork I can and handed the rest to God.
I am so grateful for the special people God has placed in my life. I have gotten great support from friends. People have understood and encouraged. Tonight I had a conversation with a friend who reminded me of all the growth I have gone through. She reminded how the fear and anxiety used to take over. I thought about all those days where the fear gripped my stomach and didn't let go. Today, even though it wasn't one of my best, I felt a peace and calmness. I know that whatever happens it will all be okay. So even in my darkest moments, there is still a light of hope.
The best part of the past 24 hours is my husband. Rick and I are very different people. I am the feeler and he is the thinker. Sometimes it is hard to communicate especially during stressful times. With some work and commitment, we have been learning how to change our patterns. The reward for hard work has been the past 24 hours. I have struggled and Rick has been there. We work as a team and stay positive. Without his love and support, things would have felt much worse.
Tonight I feel much more optimistic. I have used the tools I have, leaned on others and relied on my faith. The equilibrium has returned!
I am so grateful for the special people God has placed in my life. I have gotten great support from friends. People have understood and encouraged. Tonight I had a conversation with a friend who reminded me of all the growth I have gone through. She reminded how the fear and anxiety used to take over. I thought about all those days where the fear gripped my stomach and didn't let go. Today, even though it wasn't one of my best, I felt a peace and calmness. I know that whatever happens it will all be okay. So even in my darkest moments, there is still a light of hope.
The best part of the past 24 hours is my husband. Rick and I are very different people. I am the feeler and he is the thinker. Sometimes it is hard to communicate especially during stressful times. With some work and commitment, we have been learning how to change our patterns. The reward for hard work has been the past 24 hours. I have struggled and Rick has been there. We work as a team and stay positive. Without his love and support, things would have felt much worse.
Tonight I feel much more optimistic. I have used the tools I have, leaned on others and relied on my faith. The equilibrium has returned!
Counting
10 weeks and counting.....10 weeks of head pain, fevers, medicine, tears and frustration.....10 weeks of hope, prayers, faith and strength.....10 weeks of looking for answers or plans or something to make it better.....10 weeks of a broken hearts as it continues.....10 weeks of challenges and growth.....10 weeks of support, listening ears and new friends.....10 weeks and no resolution......10 weeks.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Autoimmune
I don't even where to start tonight. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to blog but it always seems to help. Ricks went to Dr. T today for his "red ear" issue. When we went before it was mentioned that it could be an autoimmune disease. Today after further discussion and an exam, Dr. T is feeling it is most likely an autoimmune disease. He rattled off some name and in the past I would have written down for research later. Right now I will just go with his explanation of what "may" be happening. Ricks' immune system may be attacking the cartilage in his body, more specifically his ears.
I am overwhelmed in so many ways. How do you process that your 2 year old's immune system is basically attacking his body? I can't even begin to think of what all of this "could" mean in the future. I will put that aside until we have further information. Selfishly, my gut felt as if I had been punched in the stomach. This is one more thing I have to learn about, manage and parent through. It is one more doctor/specialist I need to communicate with and more medicine to dispense. Some days I wonder how I can do what I do now? How do I continue to manage it all now? So the thought of adding on more condition and all it brings sends me into overdrive?
The best part is Maggie's favorite nurse, Nicole, asked how Mags was. Dr. T overheard me saying she is struggling and feeling worse. My feeling it is because she is no longer on a consistent regime of ibuprofen. The Tyenol I have been giving her has been useless and she is feeling the pain. I told Dr. T I am not sure it is even worth it to bring her back to him because there is not much more he can do. He agreed and said her next stop is the ENT. At the same time, I could see his mind working over the information on the ibuprofen. He told me that if Ricks' blood test show an autoimmune concern, we need to test Maggie. After all this time, it could be because of an autoimmune? One more option and hope we may figure out how to get rid of her crazy head pain!
I forgot to mention what we are doing about this autoimmune issue. Today we went from Dr. T to the lab so Ricks' could give 3 vials of blood. The results come back in a week and we meet with Dr. T on Tuesday. If there is a concern, we head to a rheumatologist to find out the next step. There is nothing I can do at the moment. I have taken all the needed steps and we wait for the answers. I am still going a bit crazy and feeling a bit scared. The emotions in my heart are hitting my stomach and sticking in my throat. It feels a bit big to have 2 kids (actually my 2 babies) with some pretty big medical questions out there.
Thank God for His strength and presence. I just trying to be and know in my heart He has my back. He is holding us all in the palm of His hand. I don't need to worry but to have faith that it will all turn out as it will. Even if we get the worst news possible, God will be there to walk us through. The key to serenity is not to worry about the future and all the what ifs. They will come in time. I have to just stay in the present and chose life. I can't control the tests or the outcomes but I can live my life with gratitude for the blessings and gifts. My kids may have major medical concerns or procedures on the horizon but for today I will just love them up. All of that "stuff" is not as important as providing them a happy and stable family. Let go and let God as they say! Tonight I do my basic retreat when we get medical news that throws me for a loop - a bath, some prayer/mediation and a good night's sleep. Tomorrow I enjoy a day full of playing and laughing with these 2 amazing kids God blessed me with : )
I am overwhelmed in so many ways. How do you process that your 2 year old's immune system is basically attacking his body? I can't even begin to think of what all of this "could" mean in the future. I will put that aside until we have further information. Selfishly, my gut felt as if I had been punched in the stomach. This is one more thing I have to learn about, manage and parent through. It is one more doctor/specialist I need to communicate with and more medicine to dispense. Some days I wonder how I can do what I do now? How do I continue to manage it all now? So the thought of adding on more condition and all it brings sends me into overdrive?
The best part is Maggie's favorite nurse, Nicole, asked how Mags was. Dr. T overheard me saying she is struggling and feeling worse. My feeling it is because she is no longer on a consistent regime of ibuprofen. The Tyenol I have been giving her has been useless and she is feeling the pain. I told Dr. T I am not sure it is even worth it to bring her back to him because there is not much more he can do. He agreed and said her next stop is the ENT. At the same time, I could see his mind working over the information on the ibuprofen. He told me that if Ricks' blood test show an autoimmune concern, we need to test Maggie. After all this time, it could be because of an autoimmune? One more option and hope we may figure out how to get rid of her crazy head pain!
I forgot to mention what we are doing about this autoimmune issue. Today we went from Dr. T to the lab so Ricks' could give 3 vials of blood. The results come back in a week and we meet with Dr. T on Tuesday. If there is a concern, we head to a rheumatologist to find out the next step. There is nothing I can do at the moment. I have taken all the needed steps and we wait for the answers. I am still going a bit crazy and feeling a bit scared. The emotions in my heart are hitting my stomach and sticking in my throat. It feels a bit big to have 2 kids (actually my 2 babies) with some pretty big medical questions out there.
Thank God for His strength and presence. I just trying to be and know in my heart He has my back. He is holding us all in the palm of His hand. I don't need to worry but to have faith that it will all turn out as it will. Even if we get the worst news possible, God will be there to walk us through. The key to serenity is not to worry about the future and all the what ifs. They will come in time. I have to just stay in the present and chose life. I can't control the tests or the outcomes but I can live my life with gratitude for the blessings and gifts. My kids may have major medical concerns or procedures on the horizon but for today I will just love them up. All of that "stuff" is not as important as providing them a happy and stable family. Let go and let God as they say! Tonight I do my basic retreat when we get medical news that throws me for a loop - a bath, some prayer/mediation and a good night's sleep. Tomorrow I enjoy a day full of playing and laughing with these 2 amazing kids God blessed me with : )
Saturday, June 25, 2011
So In Love
Tonight I am hanging here with the kids as they chill out before bedtime. All the "routine" stuff is done and they are settling in to an "oldie but goodie" Dora. Rick is out with a friend and I actually have a quiet minute. It has been a busy weekend! Last night we went to the drive-in to watch Cars 2. It was supposed to be a date night for just Rick and me. After we realized that Cars came out, we decided to make it a family night. I was excited but not 100% sure how the night would go. In the end, it was great and the kids did awesome.
Today we rolled out of bed after 9 because we didn't get home until midnight. Everyone was a tad bit tired today but it was worth it. Rick took Maggie's toddler bed down and put up her big girl bed. I was a bit resistant due to the nostalgic side of it. Didn't I just put my baby girl into her crib on our first night home? The process took a trip to BJ's and Target. Finally, it was all done and set up. Maggie is so excited and happy with her new set up. My nostalgia was replaced by a smile from all her excitement.
So at the end of today I feel a tad bit emotional. Yes it could be from being a tad bit tired, the switch in bed or just the reality of my life. I can't say it any other way than I am so in love with these 3 people who I live with. Each one of them touches my heart and soul so deeply but in their own way. I have to catch my breath and as I do I feel this well up of emotion touch my soul. My family is my life and my oasis. There is no place I would rather be than with them. I thank God everyday that I was chosen to be Rick's wife and Mommy to the 2 best babies in the universe - Maggie and Ricky. It is an AWESOME gift and miracle!
Today we rolled out of bed after 9 because we didn't get home until midnight. Everyone was a tad bit tired today but it was worth it. Rick took Maggie's toddler bed down and put up her big girl bed. I was a bit resistant due to the nostalgic side of it. Didn't I just put my baby girl into her crib on our first night home? The process took a trip to BJ's and Target. Finally, it was all done and set up. Maggie is so excited and happy with her new set up. My nostalgia was replaced by a smile from all her excitement.
So at the end of today I feel a tad bit emotional. Yes it could be from being a tad bit tired, the switch in bed or just the reality of my life. I can't say it any other way than I am so in love with these 3 people who I live with. Each one of them touches my heart and soul so deeply but in their own way. I have to catch my breath and as I do I feel this well up of emotion touch my soul. My family is my life and my oasis. There is no place I would rather be than with them. I thank God everyday that I was chosen to be Rick's wife and Mommy to the 2 best babies in the universe - Maggie and Ricky. It is an AWESOME gift and miracle!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Appreciation
In the craziness of our life, sometimes we forget to appreciate all the good. We don't stop appreciate the many blessings and people that God has placed in our lives. Rick and I have made it a priority to appreciate each other more. It has been easy to recognize the big gestures but some days the little ones get lost in the shuffle. We made a pact to start noticing and verbalizing how much those "little" things mean to us. For example, Rick unloaded the dishwasher while I took Maggie to gymnastics. That made my lunch process so much easier. I did the night dishes while Rick finished a paper. This way he didn't have to stop his studying or do them at 1 in the morning. More importantly is the the support and appreciation Rick has given me when I have struggled as a Mom. The hugs and reminders that he feels I am the best Mom in the world have meant everything. Today he shared that the encouragement and appreciation of his efforts at school have helped him during some more trying moments.
This appreciation effort is also important for the kids. As parents, we have tried to verbalize the positive and take note of any efforts. We acknowledge with much excitement when Ricks has tried a new food. He didn't eat them but he at least put them in his mouth for a taste test. We happily gave high fives to Maggie for using her "big girl" words instead of whining to ask for something and not throw a temper tantrum. At the end of the day as I tuck Maggie into bed or kiss Ricks good night, I try to mention one thing that I have noticed that is positive. I tell them how proud I am of them and how proud they should be of themselves. Maggie has really bloomed in her own way with the recognition. I am not sure Ricks gets it but he will.
It gets hard sometimes to slow down or even feel positive enough to do it but the end result is worth it. Lately, the house has really had a positive feel to it. It doesn't mean we don't have bad moments where we struggle (Monday morning) but we recover more quickly. Today was an awesome day of just being present and having fun. The only way I can verbalize it is that the more positive we have gotten, the less crabbiness has reared its ugly head (at least for Mom & Dad). And when Rick and I have a better attitude it rubs off on Maggie and Ricks. Life just flows better, calmness prevails and in the end we reach our goal - a house full of happiness and love!
This appreciation effort is also important for the kids. As parents, we have tried to verbalize the positive and take note of any efforts. We acknowledge with much excitement when Ricks has tried a new food. He didn't eat them but he at least put them in his mouth for a taste test. We happily gave high fives to Maggie for using her "big girl" words instead of whining to ask for something and not throw a temper tantrum. At the end of the day as I tuck Maggie into bed or kiss Ricks good night, I try to mention one thing that I have noticed that is positive. I tell them how proud I am of them and how proud they should be of themselves. Maggie has really bloomed in her own way with the recognition. I am not sure Ricks gets it but he will.
It gets hard sometimes to slow down or even feel positive enough to do it but the end result is worth it. Lately, the house has really had a positive feel to it. It doesn't mean we don't have bad moments where we struggle (Monday morning) but we recover more quickly. Today was an awesome day of just being present and having fun. The only way I can verbalize it is that the more positive we have gotten, the less crabbiness has reared its ugly head (at least for Mom & Dad). And when Rick and I have a better attitude it rubs off on Maggie and Ricks. Life just flows better, calmness prevails and in the end we reach our goal - a house full of happiness and love!
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