Christ's Heart

Today I drove by a church and loved the sign they had out front. It read "Love with Christ's heart" It jumped out at me and has stayed in my mind all day. The saying goes hand in hand with another mantra I have been trying to follow - "See people through God's eyes". I love the idea of seeing the world through God's eyes and loving people with Christ's heart. How awesome is that?!

When I was struggling with Rick someone told me to look at him through God's eyes. It was amazing how I no longer felt anger or resentment. I noticed all the amazing things about him and started to appreciate the positive. The past month I feel like I have rediscovered all those reasons I fell in love with him. And the best part is that I have felt lately as if I continue to fall in love with again on a daily basis. All because I changed my perspective and became more God-centered in the relationship.

That worked so well I started to utilize the mantra in all areas of my life. It is not perfect and I still have my moments. Overall, it has lessened the negative, the drama and any anxieties or resentments. I have been able to just see the positive in people. I can enjoy their friendship, time or even just a kindness. It has lessened the blow or end of some relationships. I can see that no one is to blame. I can remember all the positives and realize that sometimes a person's journey with you comes to end and they veer off onto their own path.

So today I am adding in the additional line of "love with Christ's heart". I truly believe they go hand in hand. Not only will I work to see someone as God would but to love them in the unconditional, loving nature of Christ. I will work not to be judgmental or harsh. I will offer my support, kindness, empathy and love when needed. I will try not to make my friendship or kindness based upon the cover of a book. No matter if the book is tattered, a bit crazy, a friend, or very lost, I will try to do my best to respond as God would.

I am as human as the next and can be instinctively a selfish individual. I will stumble and fall along my way. And I will get up, say a prayer for continued strength and guidance. I will ask to do God's will, not my own. I will try to remember that each person is child of God. With those prayers and thoughts I will put my hand out to whoever needs and try to be the best I can be.

Full

There used to be a hole inside my heart. It was dark, deep, fearful and painful. I tried to fill it with many things for many years. Everything I worked at shoving in there just slipped through and left me with the feelings of anger, emptiness, fear and pain. It festered and followed me for years. It bred anxiety, fear, hate, jealousy/envy and anger. I hated it yet couldn't seem to get rid of it.

Today my heart is full. It is full of God, faith, love and laughter. I was blessed with many miracles and God's grace. Both have offered me the chance to grow and change. I have stumbled and struggled. My mistakes have been many but my blessing have been overflowing. That empty hole is now so full it brings tears to my eyes when I think of all that is in my life. The lesson I learned is the only thing that will fill that space is God. God was always a presence but when I opened my heart the darkness disappeared.

I still have moments of fear, doubt, anger and even envy. I am only human. But the emotion passes and I am reminded of the miracles and blessings. Today I watched Rick as he was playing with Ricks. I watched as he fixed the garage. I realized that God has blessed me again with the gift of falling in love with my husband on a daily basis. We have our moments and it isn't perfect but lately, every time I look at Rick, my heart melts as it did those early days when we met.

I am the most blessed mother of 2 amazing children. These 2 angels that God has loaned out to me are the sun and moon of my life. I get to watch them grow and bloom. I have the opportunity to be there for my Mom as she ages. It is sometimes frustrating but always rewarding. I can be present when needed. Lately, I have been able to develop some new friendships and enjoy the old.

Life is amazing and great. It is full and rewarding. God's will has always been better than mine. And for that I am grateful. Mostly, I am thankful that He has filled the hole that was slowly sucking the life out of me. He has filled it with light, life and love. I just hope to share those gifts with the people in my life. May God bless us daily with His love and grace.

Wings

Maggie and I ventured out to the mall this afternoon to run a couple of errands. I have noticed a lot lately how grown up she has become. No longer do I see any baby or toddler in her. She is a kid 100%. I am very proud of the girl who she has grown into but there are moments when I miss the baby she was.

Today at the mall I noticed a Mom with a little girl about one. They were sharing a snack in the food court. I looked over at my big girl as she sipped the lemonade we shared and remembered all those days and moments we have spent just being together. Before Ricky was born and when Rick was working, Maggie and I had lots of adventures. I loved just being with her and hanging out. I felt a little sentimental tug at the heart strings.

In a week and a half, my sweet girl starts pre-k. She is going to school five mornings. I groan at the thought of early mornings and a more structured schedule. I also feel a bit nostalgic at the thought of not being with her as much as we have. Chatting with Maggie is one of my favorite things. We love to laugh and wonder about why this is that way or what makes that work. I will miss her as she begins her educational journey into the world.

It is funny because I have my moments but Maggie is full force ready to go. She asks me daily when her school starts. I am informed of how excited she is at least a couple times of day. Maggie is not the kid to want to hang on to my apron strings. She is independent and has a strong desire to explore and learn. As much as I may want to hold her back and keep her close, I know that for her it is time to take this step.

With all that has happened and the immune deficiency, I can get anxious about sending her out into the world. Those anxieties are tamed by two things: Maggie and God. Maggie has shown me time and time again that she is more than capable of succeeding in this world. She is happy, smart and full of life. I know in the depths of my soul that whatever life throws her, she will beat it. Even in the short times she has been on her own (school or gymnastics) she has flourished. We have had to walk through and process some lessons but she always gets it and grows.

God is also a huge factor in believing that Maggie will be okay. I truly have faith that God is watching over and caring for her each moment. He will always be there for her. The added bonus is that Maggie has such a strong faith and connection with God. I know that on her journey, He will continue to fill her heart and she will continue to turn to Him for guidance.

Maggie has been one of the biggest blessings in my life. Approximately 5 years ago I found out I was pregnant. I have loved her with all I am since that moment. I have tried to capture each moment and am grateful that God picked out this perfect little girl just for me!

Caterpillar to Butterfly

I was always the girl who wanted something. I wanted to be prettier, thinner, more popular or funnier. I wanted to find a boyfriend or a husband. I wanted to have a baby, to be the best mother, to be loved and liked by everyone. I wanted more money, a better house, someone to clean my house and my kids to go to the "right" schools.

It has been a struggle to differentiate between what I have wanted and what I have actually needed in my life. There were many moments where what I had was not good enough. The fact I had everything I needed (and even most of what I wanted) was not good enough because there was just that one piece missing. In the end, I was always a bit unhappy or envious because I just didn't "have it all".

This defect of character is something I have been working on now for over 10 years. I have stumbled and fallen on many occasions. There have been moments where I was good, only to come upon new struggles. It is a tough lesson to learn. A lesson I hope to continue to learn and to teach my children as they grow older.

In my life now I have all I need and most of what I want. The difference is I am extremely grateful and content with that fact. I can see and appreciate all the blessings and miracles God has blessed me with. I realize the silver linings and good things even in the harder moments. There is a peace in my heart that I have found that only comes from God.

Today I was sitting in the playroom and watching the kids play. My heart felt full of the love and happiness that surrounds our home. There are plenty of tough days. My husband still can drive me crazy (and I can drive him crazy), the kids still have cranky moments and I can be in a bad mood with the best of them. Things don't always go the way I want and life happens. With all of that, I can honestly say that it is perfectly unperfect.

In the past couple of weeks I have had my struggles. It feels like I had a couple of growing pains as far as friendships and relationships. I have felt like the caterpillar who has been in my chrysalis and is finally popping out to become the butterfly I was always meant to be. It only took 39 years (better late than never huh?). In transitioning to this butterfly I had to shed some unhealthy relationships that made me feel more like the ugly caterpillar than the butterfly. It was hard and painful but in the end I feel relieved and grateful. I learned a lot from the friendships and don't want to carry resentments or grudges. It was just time for both parties to move on.

I am grateful for starting to feel comfortable and confident in my own skin. It has been a tough road. I am grateful for all the people who helped me to get here. I am grateful for all the experiences, bad and good, that have brought me here. I have a full and happy life. I have a loving husband and 2 amazing children. We have family who are crazy but lovable in their own way. I have some great old friends and made some fabulous new friends. Most importantly, I have developed and nurtured a relationship with God who makes all of this possible. I searched for many years to fill the hole in my heart. To capture not only the needs in my life but all of the wants. And I have finally found the answer in my faith. God is the only person/thing that can fill me up and make me whole. With God in my heart I don't have to "want" for anything. The best part of the deal is this is just a small part of the journey. I have a full life ahead to celebrate, learn, discover, stumble and love!

Here's Hoping

Throughout today Maggie and Ricks have developed a case of the sniffles. Ricks started and I was hoping it was due to no Nasonex the past couple of days or allergies. I was so not on top of his medicine that it ran out and I realized the prescription had expired. Since we see Dr. T on Friday I just decided to wait until that appointment rather than calling.

Maggie has started the sniffles and her nose running this afternoon. I am sending prayers up that it is just allergies or a fluke. She has been healthy approximately a month. One month of no headache and feeling better. I want longer than a month for all of us. And if she gets a cold and it follows its usual course we will end up with the sinus inflammation and infection. I follow that journey to the antibiotic issue and there we are back at IV's within 4 months. The anxiety is starting to send out vibes a tiny bit. Okay I will back up and stay in the moment. All we have now is small sniffles and a tiny runny nose. I will just continue to pray. I have no idea what will happen tomorrow so I won't worry about it until we get there : )

The good news is that Dr. T is back in Cleveland. We saw him and his family at the Greek Festival we went to on Sunday. He has been on vacation for 2 weeks. It is always a bit unnerving to me when he is gone. I just feel safer and less stressed knowing he is only a phone call away. I may have to wait until morning or fight our way in for an appointment but he is in his office. It is crazy that Dr. T not being available can be a bit stressful but I am not the only Mom who feels this way. I spoke with another Dr. T patient Mom and she goes through the same emotion. I think it is because he is the captain of our ship. Our family relies on him and we trust him. Our kids feel a connection with him and believe he will do all he can to help them feel better. He is not just our doctor but a part of our family in a strange kind of way. Dr T is the go to guy! And thank you God, if the kids sniffles transition to colds and infections, that he is back in town.

When Did That Happen?

Today I took Maggie and my Mom to the Greek Festival for some yummies. As my Mom and I walked, Maggie ran ahead. I watched her run and it floored me how much she has grown. She no longer has any baby in her. It is all girl! Tonight when I checked in on her while she was sleeping, I noticed it again. That little baby I held in my arms is now a beautiful young girl.

Tonight I woke Ricks up to change a stinky diaper. After I finished he was leaning against the couch. All of the sudden there was no baby in him either. He didn't even look like a toddler. He looked like a big boy. When did all of this growing happen? It was just yesterday I held him in my arms the night he was born. Time is flying by so fast.

Soon I will look at them and they will be grown up. In a blink of an eye they will be adults making their own choices and following their dreams. So I store away my memories and say a prayer for each of them. May God be their guide and hold them safe and close.

Memories

This morning Rick and Maggie decided we were going to take an afternoon outing to the zoo. I was not as excited because the usual during an outing like this is me carrying Mr. Ricks. I could hear my back groan with aches already. But Maggie's excitement to see the bears, monkeys and elephants coaxed me into agreement.

We forgot about quiet time and ate lunch early. As soon as Rick finished an appointment, we loaded up and headed out to explore at the zoo. We spent the afternoon visiting all kinds of animals and learning about each one. Maggie had so much fun learning new facts about the animals. She said she was, "kinda like Diego." Ricks was not so much into the animals as he enjoyed the open area to run and move. Rick and I just sat back and watched our two babies having so much fun. We enjoyed each moment, especially the cool train ride.

After 3 hours of fun zoo time, it was time to head home. We were hot, tired and ready to decompress. Maggie asked me to look at her. When I did she was smiling from ear to ear. She told me, "See this smile Mommy? It is because I had so much fun today at the zoo!" That in itself was worth any amount of money, the humidity or the sore/creaky back that is killing me now.

Today is one of those days where I wish I could freeze time for a few moments. I want to capture the fun and enjoyment we shared as a family. It is days like to day I will remember when the kids are off at college or starting lives of their own. I will remember the fun and the love we shared. The happiness that filled our hearts and the smiles that we wore on our faces. God has blessed me with these three wonderful people in my life. I have a husband who, even on his worst days, is my best friend. I have two kids who are the loves and lights of my life. It is so amazing to watch the world through their eyes. I don't want to miss a minute!

I was told by my Mother that these years will be gone in a blink of an eye. I believe it because the past four have gone so fast. I am so grateful to spend a day cherishing each blink and each blessing.

Preparing for the Germ Factory

The pre-k school year is less than a month away. Unbelievably, the summer has flown by and we are getting ready to enter the germ factory known as school. I am finding this year better and worse then last year as far as the anxiety of it. I feel more confident in knowledge and experience in managing the immune concerns. But I feel more concerned because of the knowledge and Maggie will be there more days so more exposure. Either way she will encounter germs and we need to plan and prepare.

Maggie's teacher is a friend of my Mom's who I have known for at least 20 years. I grew up around here and she was even at my wedding. Mrs. F is a great woman and teacher. I have a lot of confidence and trust that everything that can be done to keep Maggie safe and healthy will be done. She is in the best place she can be. I am not leaving her with a stranger and having to struggle with communicating about the information or immune deficiency.

Tomorrow I am going to meet up with Mrs. F to teach her about Selective IgA Deficiency. We will talk about the basics, what can be done to minimize germs and the best way to communicate with us about them. I was hit with the realization that this is probably a conversation I will have to have every year at with both kids' teachers. Our beginning of the year will consist of a rundown of what the deficiency is and a request to help minimize their exposure to germs. I also am aware that right now I have it easy. The teachers we are dealing with are people who I have a history with. These are friends and ex-coworkers who are willing to go that extra mile to help. In the future, I may meet up with a teacher or two who is not so willing to do the extra to help keep them healthier.

I feel a bit of anxiety rear its head when I think of the germ factory Maggie is walking into. I have had those moments of panic when I think I should just keep her at home. But I also know that the positives of being in school outweigh any negatives. She needs the socialization and experience of being in school. It helps her to grow, learn and manage (especially with primary immune deficiency issues). The honest truth is either one of them could get sick from the grocery store or the library or a play date. Keeping them home and protected in a bubble doesn't guarantee they won't get sick.

This is the place where faith walks in and sends anxiety packing. I have to believe that God is watching over them. No matter what germ they get or treatment they need, He will be there. I will continue, like I have for the last year or so, to place them in God's hands in the morning and thank Him for caring for them at night. It gets hard sometimes to let go and let God take care of my most prized blessings. But when I do the rewards are amazing and I am always grateful. And I am extremely grateful this year for a teacher who feels it is important to do the best to keep my girl as healthy and safe as possible!

Learning

Today in church during the homily (when the priest gives his sermon after the gospel) the priest talked about prayer, faith and perseverance. This brought me back to the pain, frustration and anger I had when trying to get pregnant with Maggie. I was so angry at God for me not being pregnant and thought He wasn't listening. Or maybe just didn't care? Or was He punishing me for something I did or didn't do? I struggled and felt further away from God than I ever had. Everyone told me in God's time, to have patience and to look for the lesson.

Eleven months later I found out I was pregnant and I got my sweet baby girl. I didn't see it right away but there were so many lessons I did learn from the experience. Today's homily was one of them. When you pray to God and ask him for something - sometimes His answer is yes, sometimes His answer is no and sometimes His answer is maybe or not yet. You must persevere and have patience. You must keep the faith.

I was mulling over these thoughts and holding Maggie during the end of mass when she can get squirmy. All of the sudden I realized her feet were at my knees. When did my baby grow so tall? After church we went shopping at Target and Ricks' feet grew a whole shoe size since May. Who told these babies they could grow so soon and so fast? I keep hoping that time will move slower and I can hang on to them for just a bit longer. I just want to freeze these moments in my mind and imprint them in my heart.

Each day my kids teach me so many lessons. I learn more from them then I every learned in school. I am blessed to have such good professors in this life. They remind me of all that is important when I get lost and a little off my path. God is their partner in teaching me all the life lessons I still have yet to learn. Maggie taught me about patience and perseverance. Ricks and God taught me that my will is not the best way to go. God's will is the better way. Maggie was supposed to be an only child until God sent us Ricks. Best darn surprise I will EVER receive and I thank God for him everyday.

Maggie has taught me about faith, strength and spunk. Ricks has taught me about joy, being present in the moment and pure love. Both have taught me endless lessons of gratitude. Without them I would be so much less than who I am. They have enriched my life and helped to define the person who looks back at me in the mirror. Each day I say so many thank yous to God for each moment with each one. I can't wait until tomorrow to learn so much more!

A Tiny Scare

Dinner time last night brought a tiny bit of drama by Ricks. For some reason he had been rubbing at his eye a bit. All of the sudden he seemed to start crying and clinging to me. We tried to look at his eye and rinse it to the best of our abilities. The decision was made he just probably got something in there. At bath time, we took extra care to rinse the eye out a bit. He still was fussing. I began to wonder if maybe he had pink eye. The eye was itchy, red and watery so it could be. I figured I would check him tomorrow and if need be take him to the doctor.

My eyes began to itch and Maggie followed soon after. I was pretty convinced we had a bad case of pink eye that we had shared. Off to the doctor we would go in the morning. A nasty virus but not to worrisome or hard to take care of.

At 1 in the morning, Ricks screamed out. He was vigorously rubbing his eye and was inconsolable. Great, he is going to up all night because his eye itches from pink eye. YEAH! We checked the eye. Yep still red and watery and starting to look a bit puffy. We tried compresses but Ricks would not let us touch it. Then I noticed something else going on. He was sticking his tongue out like a little lizard. And he was gulping like he couldn't swallow comfortably. These are things he did in Dr. T's office during the egg challenge. I looked closer and his lips were a bit swollen.

This is when I started to freak a little bit. Ricks breathing still seemed okay. It was consistent and he wasn't gasping for air. But he definitely was having a reaction. The first thing was to get him Benadryl. We got him to take the medicine and within 10 minutes everything normalized. The second thing was to monitor him for awhile. Okay so I held him all night and didn't sleep as I watched him breath. I laid on the couch with him cuddled up into me. I watched each breath go in and out trying to ease the anxiety. I talked to God all night about how blessed I am to have this beautiful boy. I asked Him to keep him safe and I shared all my fears. I explained to God how I struggle letting go of Ricks because of my fears with the egg allergy. I asked for strength to let him grow and go be who God is calling him to be.

I also racked my brain about why he reacted. What had egg? Was there something new? Did I do all the right things? In the morning he was fine and as active as ever. I took a breath and said a thank you to God for watching over him. At the doctor I explained what happened. He agreed that it was a reaction to something. Was it connected to the thing, something environmental or another food allergy? That we have no idea. Dr. T is out of town and so we will wait until he gets back to look further into it.

This is the reality of allergies and the immune system to me. A reaction happened and I can't truly pinpoint it. I hope we can figure it out but it may take another reaction until we get there. It scares me that something can happen and cause Ricks to react like last night. And I have no idea what it was. I realize that this is where my faith comes in and today I am trying to hang on to that. I keep praying for God's help to release the fear and remember He has got us. But that one tiny voice that screams quietly keeps whispering in my ear - "just one tiny slip and this kid could have a serious reaction. What if no one notices his signs and he begins to stop breathing? What if one tiny mistake truly brings on a tragic consequence?" With these thoughts I try to stop, breath and remind myself of how much God loves and carries us. I remind myself over and over again about just letting go and believing. So today was a struggle but I have faith that tomorrow will be better.

*BTW - it wasn't pink eye. It was just some crazy allergic reaction to something outside.

Time To Let Go

The past couple of days have been a bit emotional for me. Okay so I will be completely honest here and admit the truth. I am an intensely reactive emotional individual. I vomit emotion, I ooze emotion, I can just plain be emotion. That is raw and real emotion with no filter or brain. That has been me! I usually try to temper it or utilize cognition but not this week.

Another honest fact about myself is that I talk a lot. My mouth can run constantly and sometimes without direction. I haven't gotten better about the direction but not the constant running. Combine that with a sometimes one track, self-absorbed mind and it is not good. I don't mean to to monopolize a conversation or be centered more on self. But when I have a lot going on, it can happen. I don't truly mean to be mean or egocentric. I just get caught up in my own junk.

I have a couple of friendships that have been more uncomfortable than comfortable. These woman were once good friends who I shared a lot with. Now it felt more routine and uneasiness. I struggled with the relationships for very different reasons. I can't even say when anything changed or the negative began. This week they both confronted me on the fact that they feel our friendships have not been a 2 way street. On phone conversations I first spoke about my life at length and then asked about them. More was said in these discussions, some good and some just hurtful. My emotions ran deep and they reacted with tears, hurt and anger.

The aforementioned phone conversations always happened at times they were in the car (headed to work, headed home or picking up the kids) which were horrible times for me (lunch,dinner, kids transitioning). The time limit available was no more then 20 minutes. And I do feel like when I say hello to people I ask what is going on? I always thought my opening on the phone was "Hey what's up?" Isn't that an opening for them to talk first. I also have had my time of supporting or listening to both of these women through some tougher times.

I was told that whenever one called there was never positive and it got tiring. Yeah life in a primary immune deficient home can be tiring. I know because I live it. That one hurt a lot and honestly I think it closed the door on the friendship. To have a condition that when it gets "tiring" she feels obligated to pull away feels to negative. The other complained I turned down watching her kids when she needed me. I got a short email at like 11 on a Thur night after just seeing her no more than a couple hours before. No mention of it being an emergency or what the situation was. I had to say no b/c of a prior engagement. I guess it made her feel angry that I never do anything for here.

Okay so I have spewed a bit about the details. The reality is we all have a part and all I can do is take care of my part. I see that part as being somewhat oblivious to others and what is happening in my life. I need to make a concerted effort to ask people first about their day before I start running at the mouth. I learned a lot about the women and the friendships. More importantly I learned A LOT about myself. It took sometime to see it and the emotions had to subside. But in the end, I think the cooling off of both friendships is the best idea. I don't feel these women, at this time, are positive people in my life. I can't meet their expectations and it is best to just let it go.

I read in one of my meditation books that we need to be willing to let go of our character defects when we pray for God to take them. I have prayed hard that He helps me get better on this one. I don't want to hurt people or make them feel my life/stuff is more important. I want to be a good supportive friend. So I am open and willing for Him to help me be less centered on self and more on others.

I don't know what will happen in time with these friendships. Like I said, right now I think a little space would do us all good. I have no anger or even resentment at them. I am still a bit hurt by some of their words but in time that will ease. I want to be friendly so when we run into each other we can be happy to see each other. I think that can definitely happen. You know all things are possible with God!

God Grant Me....

God grant me the wisdom to keep my mouth shut and fingers from flying. Help me to pray before I speak or react. Guide me in my thoughts and emotions. And when I have been wrong, help me to say I am sorry with humility and honesty.

Exhaustion

Last night we had two very sick kids and today we have two very exhausted parents. It has been a long day but not a hard one. Yes there were moments I needed toothpicks to hold my eyelids up and just wanted to crash. But there were also moments of cuddling, love and thankfulness. I never want my little ones to be sick but there is a silver lining of getting to cuddle up with them. It won't be long before they close the bedroom door to sleep when they feel sick. I won't be needed to hug them, kiss their heads or rub their back. I cherished each cuddle today as I soothed Maggie's tummy and Ricks' feverish head.

In the midst of the madness and exhaustion, Maggie climbed up on my lap. She was eating her afternoon snack and watching a show of her choice. Out of the blue she told me, "Mommy, thank you for taking care of me last night when I was throwing up. You must love me very much!" I sat up and hugged her as tight as I could. I told her that I loved her infinite amount and kissed her as many times as she would let me. Those few little words made all the tiredness so worth it. It didn't matter that I hadn't slept since 2ish. All that mattered was my little girl was sweet enough to thank me.

I also didn't have to battle the germs alone. Rick got up with Maggie when she started her tummy trouble. We sat with her and rubbed her back. He cleaned the pan and got her pillow so she could lay down with us. He held vigilance with me as we waited for the next time she got sick. When Ricks woke up with a high fever, he took over Maggie watch. She had fallen asleep on our bed but he couldn't sleep. He was afraid she would fall off the bed so he cuddled up with her watching tv.

Ricks and I hung downstairs. When Ricks got sick to his tummy all over the living room,dining room and kitchen, it was a bit overwhelming. I immediately called Rick who came down to clean up while I cleaned up the Ricks. After we got the house cleaned and Ricks settled on the couch he went back up to bed with Maggie. I can't begin to put into words how grateful I am for his being present in those moments. There was a lot of studying for him to do today and a quiz to take. Rick never mentioned them and did what needed to be done.

Today he slept in and I tried to catch a quick nap. We are both still exhausted. His quiz is over and I hope he soon comes to bed. I am heading there right after I finish this post. I am afraid that once the ibuprofen wears off, Ricks will be up and screaming. His fever hit 105.3 tonight and it wasn't pretty. We tried the bath and fought with him to take the medicine. I consistently fed him ice chips to keep him hydrated. Once the medicine worked he ate some dinner and is now jumping in his crib. I am going to take advantage of the sleep time while I can. Good night and God please kiss my baby on the forehead. Grant him a quick recovery and please grant me some sleep!

A Ha Moment

In the previous post I mentioned I have been struggling a bit this week. I just couldn't put my finger on what I was struggling with. I prayed and asked God to guide me. I asked Him to help me to see what I needed to work on our learn. Why was I feeling so emotional or off center?

It is amazing how God works! Tonight I had the honor of sitting with some friends and talking. One of the gentlemen was sharing about his journey of acceptance. He hit on two important points. Things are as they are. It is that simple. I don't have to stress, worry or fight because they just are. I can chose how to respond or react but I can't control or change them. I can only make changes in myself. I was clued in on this bit but still work on it just the same.

The big A-HA moment came when he began to speak on self-acceptance. I wanted to leap up in my ever so dramatic way and shout "That is it! That is what I have been struggling with all week!" A lightbulb popped on and the fog cleared. I have been struggling with accepting myself warts and all. It is exactly where my journey has taken me.

I am learning so much about myself and striving to be God-centered. In those lessons, I am also working on accepting who I am for the person I always felt it was not alright to be. That is so hard for me and I think why I have felt so emotional and a bit fearful. What if I accept me but no one else in my life does? Key point to this self-acceptance is that I have to learn not to care about what others think, feel or say about me. This some days feels like an impossible task, especially with those I care about the most.

I had a long and very enlightening conversation with this gentleman. I felt a weight had been somehow lifted off my shoulders just by identifying the struggle. God had amazingly put this gentleman in my path to answer my prayers. He was guiding me along to the answers I needed.

I have been really beating myself up about some mistakes I have made. I was spending A LOT of time and energy on some pretty intense regret. It was creating a huge sensitive spot which a couple of other people unintentionally knicked. I reacted and reacted loud and clear. This only compounded my guilt and regret. This messenger told me that I need to give myself permission to be human and make mistakes. When I start to beat myself up, I must stop and refocus. Truthfully, I had been doing well at this until a couple recent interactions caused a minor backtrack.

In this man's kind and wise words, I heard God speaking to me. He was answering my prayers and leading the way. There is still work to be done and it will probably be hard and messy. But again God has reminded me He is right there to lead the way and pick me up when I fall. I am always amazed at how many miracles happen in my life. And I am always grateful when they do!

Off Center

Today has been a tough day for me. My emotions have run high and intense. I am not even sure why I have been off. It started Monday afternoon and has seemed to throw me off balance. I had a pretty intense conversation with Rose on Monday and really dug into some areas of life. I started to sort through all the changes and transitions I feel are happening in my life and in me.

I think that conversations probably started the snowball and it has just continued. This morning I felt extremely sensitive and volatile. The tears were close to the surface about anything and everything. The truth is I can't put my finger on any specific problem or concern. My life is full and sometimes my plate can be crowded. There are some areas where I am working to grow and change. The stress level can be high. But I don't feel anxious necessarily. I feel vulnerable and maybe a bit scared at the changes that seem to be happening. As I start to realize more of who I am and who I want to be, I get scared that I don't quite fit in the places I used to. If I am different how will others accept me? Or will they?

This is all normal or at least I have told myself it is. I am trying to just go with the flow. I am praying and talking to God everyday. It is His will I want to do and His eyes I want to see the world through. I feel like this week I have stumbled. The work has been hard and I have struggled. In the end I know it will turn out as it is meant to be. God will guide the way and handle the results. I don't need to worry or fret because He has it handled. All I need to do is take a breath and hand it over.

**On the plus side, I have had the blessing of reconnecting with some pretty great women as I have been discovering more about me. And my husband, has been so supportive of the journey. Even in the moments where I struggle and question, God provides those silver linings, blessings and miracles.**

It Has Finally Happened!!!!!

Today, for the first time since mid-April, Maggie told me that she was a GREEN band aid. That means that she is 100% and feeling healthy. I was so happy and excited. She was cuddling on the couch with me reading a book and let me know very matter of factly and added, "Mommy today my head does not hurt anywhere." Amen and Alleluia! I began to feel I would never hear her say that. The medicine and "plan" seems to have finally worked. A huge weight has lifted off my shoulder of concern that we would be battling this inflammation forever.

I am going to enjoy these moments of freedom and health. I will appreciate her being a green band aid and be grateful for each moment. I will work hard not to worry or think of what is or is not to come (esp. with school starting in month). It is now time to relax and enjoy my healthy kids. The summer, although almost over, is now ours to just sit back and let go.

Thank you God for walking with us the past 3/4 months. It has been Your strength and guidance which has led the way. I am filled with gratitude for her health and the knowledge we have gained. Most importantly, I am grateful for the experiences which have led me closer to You.

Quiet Night

There is not much happening tonight. The weekend was busy with a sick preschooler and a teething toddler. I didn't get much sleep but in the end they both are doing fine. I am feeling exhausted so I believe I will head off to bed. I am sure that I will have more to gab about tomorrow.