I believe I may be getting more out of Vacation Bible School than any of the kids I am teaching. Each night I sit down with the lesson for tomorrow and read it over. I say a prayer and ask God to direct me. Every night I have come out with a lesson for my self or a reminder about my faith. Tonight I was reading our lesson on "God Loves You" It was talking about forgiveness which is something I am not very good at. I can be a grudge holder and work hard on trying to change that. So this reminder hit me right in the character defect.
Today I had a "moment" with someone who has become somewhat of a mentor spiritually as a Mom. It was hurtful and I was already having a rough moment. I don't believe she meant to be mean or bitchy but she was. There was a miscommunication and instead of approaching me with kindness, she chewed me out a bit. I admit I was a bit stunned and taken aback. I tried not to internalize it and know that what I had done was not what was presented. After a couple minutes I approached her and apologized for not having let her know what happened. She felt a bit blindsided by an event and I told her I was sorry. She did not seem that receptive at the moment.
I think by the end of the morning we were better able to communicate about the miscoomunication. In all honesty, I think she was having a real bad day, possibly a bad week. It has been crazy at camp and she is already overdone and overworked. I don't think it was about me at all. Just a molehill that blew up a tiny bit because of frayed nerves and frustration. So I feel like why bother to be angry or hurt when it truly just isn't about me. And if it is a little because she feels I was wrong, I annoyed her or she just doesn't like me, it is not my problem. I did what I needed to do and all the major players agree.
Maybe I am growing and getting a bit better about this forgiveness thing? Or maybe I am just better at prioritizing my life and being less self-centered? Either way it certainly makes life happier and more enjoyable : )
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Grow or Shrink?
One of the points in tomorrow's lesson plan for Vacation Bible School is God watches over you. The lesson asks if when you experience a time of difficulty does your faith or belief in God shrink or grow? This is an awesome question to me. In the past I feel like difficult times may have shrunk my faith or just pushed it aside. The past year I feel like life has challenged me and in return my faith has grown in so many ways. The past 2 months has been an quiet explosion of faith and God in my life. I have always felt there was a God and in the past few years felt God was present in my life. Now I just feel faith-filled and safe in God's presence. I was glad to volunteer to teach this week at Vacation Bible School. I just never could have guessed I would get so much out of the lessons I was planning.
Monday, June 13, 2011
God Listens
Tonight I was planning my lesson for Vacation Bible School. One of the parts of the lesson is God listens not only to your prayers but to your heart. Another part was that not only does God listen but he answers prayers. Sometimes He answers them in unexpected ways. What a lesson! I love it!
I can think of so many points in my life that God answered prayers in a way that I didn't even see coming. Some of those moments I didn't even know what I was praying for or that I was even praying. God just took a peak in my heart and soul and sent an answer or angel to help me out.
One example is 5 years ago when my heart was broken and my soul in pain. All I wanted was a to get pregnant. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, I knew was pregnant and I felt like God had completely blown off my desire to be a Mom. I had been trying since Rick and I got married the October before. I had tried everything, read everything and charted everything. My outcome was always the same - a negative on the pregnancy test. Here I was beginning and pleading with God for a baby and all I was getting was a big fat nothing. In July and August of 2006 some things happened which slowed me down and changed my attitude. I suppose I let go of my obsession to get pregnant and focused on other things. BINGO - Labor Day weekend of 2006 I found out I was pregnant.
The lessons I learned were to let go and let God. Plus that God answers my prayers in His own time and in His own way. If I had gotten pregnant any other time, in any other month - Maggie wouldn't be Maggie. That moment in time created my miracle with all her DNA, spunk and quirks. God always knows best and I always forget.
My 2nd experience is that 3 years ago I felt like my life was missing something. I had a wonderful husband and a beautiful daughter. All was great but somehow there was still this space in my soul. I prayed to God for direction. Did I need to get a job? Volunteer? What did I need to do? God answered my prayer with a positive pregnancy test. Eight months later Ricky made his grand debut and somehow that hole was filled. All that time I was waiting for this little bundle of energy and joy. We had decided not to have anymore kids and I fretted for a bit about the dynamics of it all. Once I held him in my arms I knew that this was meant to be. My family was complete and Ricks was the last piece of the puzzle.
Of course, so many times in the past year or so, God has answered my prayers. Primary Immune Deficiency can bring me to my knees fast. And there have been times I wondered if God was just busy because he wasn't moving fast enough on the answer. But in His time and way He has answered each prayer. Sometimes He answers them by sending an angel to help or support us through a hard time. Sometimes it is a diagnosis or test result. And sometimes it is just a moment of peace or joy. I can't tell you how many times I have felt overwhelmed, sad or frustrated only to be lifted out of it by one of my kids' laugh or smile.
God is always there watching over us. He is present in our lives in every moment. He hears each thought, prayer or concern. I have complete confidence that even when I don't know or understand, He will answer. I just have to have faith!
I can think of so many points in my life that God answered prayers in a way that I didn't even see coming. Some of those moments I didn't even know what I was praying for or that I was even praying. God just took a peak in my heart and soul and sent an answer or angel to help me out.
One example is 5 years ago when my heart was broken and my soul in pain. All I wanted was a to get pregnant. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, I knew was pregnant and I felt like God had completely blown off my desire to be a Mom. I had been trying since Rick and I got married the October before. I had tried everything, read everything and charted everything. My outcome was always the same - a negative on the pregnancy test. Here I was beginning and pleading with God for a baby and all I was getting was a big fat nothing. In July and August of 2006 some things happened which slowed me down and changed my attitude. I suppose I let go of my obsession to get pregnant and focused on other things. BINGO - Labor Day weekend of 2006 I found out I was pregnant.
The lessons I learned were to let go and let God. Plus that God answers my prayers in His own time and in His own way. If I had gotten pregnant any other time, in any other month - Maggie wouldn't be Maggie. That moment in time created my miracle with all her DNA, spunk and quirks. God always knows best and I always forget.
My 2nd experience is that 3 years ago I felt like my life was missing something. I had a wonderful husband and a beautiful daughter. All was great but somehow there was still this space in my soul. I prayed to God for direction. Did I need to get a job? Volunteer? What did I need to do? God answered my prayer with a positive pregnancy test. Eight months later Ricky made his grand debut and somehow that hole was filled. All that time I was waiting for this little bundle of energy and joy. We had decided not to have anymore kids and I fretted for a bit about the dynamics of it all. Once I held him in my arms I knew that this was meant to be. My family was complete and Ricks was the last piece of the puzzle.
Of course, so many times in the past year or so, God has answered my prayers. Primary Immune Deficiency can bring me to my knees fast. And there have been times I wondered if God was just busy because he wasn't moving fast enough on the answer. But in His time and way He has answered each prayer. Sometimes He answers them by sending an angel to help or support us through a hard time. Sometimes it is a diagnosis or test result. And sometimes it is just a moment of peace or joy. I can't tell you how many times I have felt overwhelmed, sad or frustrated only to be lifted out of it by one of my kids' laugh or smile.
God is always there watching over us. He is present in our lives in every moment. He hears each thought, prayer or concern. I have complete confidence that even when I don't know or understand, He will answer. I just have to have faith!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Energy
I need some energy to finish off the to do list I didn't finish today. Unfortunately it isn't going to happen. It is an early morning so we can get to Vacation Bible School. Even Mr. Ricks is going. I am not sure how that is all going to turn out. He spent most of today curled up in my lap and not leaving my side. I will say many prayers tonight that the separation for a couple hours isn't to traumatic (on me)! It sounds like the troops are quieted down and sleeping finally. I have decided to shelve the to dos and head off to bed. Good night and God bless!
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Tired of Being Sick
My little Miss Maggie has stated bluntly today how she feels about being sick. We were running a couple of errands and she told me, "Momma, my head hurts worse today." I empathized and promised ibuprofen when we got home. I apologized for her having such troubles. Maggie said, "Mommy that's okay but I am tired of my head hurting. I want to get all better." My heart broke a little. "I know sweetie" I said, "It must be hard to feel sick all the time." Her response, "Mommy it makes me so tired and frustrated. I just feel so sad." My heart broke right open.
I have mentioned we are seeing some fraying at the edges from her. The temper tantrums and the minimal patience have increased. Not to mention the separation anxieties and the new fear that something might happen to Rick or me when we leave her. So my sweet girl has had enough and there is no end in sight. As her Mom, I am heart broken and frustrated. I wish I could wave a wand and make it all better. The reality is I can't and it may take time to resolve the situation.
That leaves me with two priorites. First I must love and give Mags all the tlc she needs to help her manage through this. It is my job as her parent to teach her how to walk through this as successfully and happily as possible. Most importantly, I have to consistently remind her she is safe and we are safe. She can be as anxious as her Mother. I don't want her to repeat my mistakes so I will try to give her the tools I never had.
Second, I have to act and annoy to get these docs moving. I want answers and right away! So on Monday the calls start and I will do whatever I need to get an answer. I want to make sure we do all we can to help her feel better as soon as possible. I am putting on my "Mama Bear" and here we go.
I have mentioned we are seeing some fraying at the edges from her. The temper tantrums and the minimal patience have increased. Not to mention the separation anxieties and the new fear that something might happen to Rick or me when we leave her. So my sweet girl has had enough and there is no end in sight. As her Mom, I am heart broken and frustrated. I wish I could wave a wand and make it all better. The reality is I can't and it may take time to resolve the situation.
That leaves me with two priorites. First I must love and give Mags all the tlc she needs to help her manage through this. It is my job as her parent to teach her how to walk through this as successfully and happily as possible. Most importantly, I have to consistently remind her she is safe and we are safe. She can be as anxious as her Mother. I don't want her to repeat my mistakes so I will try to give her the tools I never had.
Second, I have to act and annoy to get these docs moving. I want answers and right away! So on Monday the calls start and I will do whatever I need to get an answer. I want to make sure we do all we can to help her feel better as soon as possible. I am putting on my "Mama Bear" and here we go.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Gratitude
My facebook status sums up how I feel about life today - "When you are grateful fear disappears and abundance appears." It is a quote by Anthony Robbins (I have no idea who that is). I found it while looking through different quote websites and it jumped out at me. I am a creature of fear and anxiety. I have lived with it all of my life. I have been overwhelmed and swallowed up by it. I have tried to hide from it and out run it only to be slowly taken over by it. It has brought me to tears, caused me to scream in anger/frustration or just kept me up night after night. Anxiety/fear has been my master and I have suffered from all of its minions - panic attacks, anxiety attacks and plain frozen in fear.
The last couple of months have been very different. If history held true I would be surrounded by my fears and overloaded with anxiety. But instead I am full of joy, calmness and gratitude. Our journey since April has been hard at times and frustrating at others. I have had my moments of sadness, anger, nervousness and even some fear. The difference is that I haven't stayed there in those moments or feelings. They are just feelings that passed as quickly as they came. I was able to remember all the gifts and blessings. To look at the positives and silver linings.
One rather large part is the gratitude I feel for each moment and part of my life. I even feel a small bit of gratitude for the primary immune deficiency and the journey it has taken us on. I have learned so much, my faith has grown so deep and we have met so many special people along the way. It is now clear to me that God has a plan and I may never know what that is. That I suppose is where the faith comes in. In any case, within His plan He blesses us in so many ways along our path.
I grew up believing in God and certainly my faith has had its up and downs over the years. I have watched others struggle with and embrace God in their own way. I guess I never questioned He was there. But I never truly felt His presence as I have the past month or so. I consistently have this warmth in my heart and this peace that surrounds me. It is not all the time and I can never say when the moment will hit. I just know that many times in the past 30 days I have experienced it. Today Rick and I took the kids to the zoo. It started to pour and Maggie, who was soaking wet, told me she was "really" not feeling well. We got some McDonalds for lunch and pulled the wagon into the crowded lunch hut. The kids ate in the wagon and we hunched in a corner. Usually I would feel annoyed or irritated. Instead I looked at my family and a warmth filled my heart and soul. I was so grateful for them that tears began to well up in my eyes.
Those are the moments I am overwhelmed, not by fear, but by the love and blessings in my life. I may have a little girl who is struggling with a chronic condition. But she is also the same little girl who was giggling at the pink flamingos and skipping in the rain. Rick and I may have stressed out moments over finances or household things but our love is strong and deep. Ricks may frustrate me when he hits or runs away but he is the person who can make me laugh the hardest with his silliness. I also am lucky enough to have close friends who are like family and new friends who have been so supportive. My life is full of good stuff and good people.
God is amazing! He has taken this anxiety-ridden girl and given her the strength to be a strong mom, wife, friend and woman. I cannot put into words the feelings in my heart and soul. If I did this post would take hours to write and to read. All I know is that in my most darkest moments this past 8 weeks I have felt His shining light and love. And for that I will be forever grateful.
The last couple of months have been very different. If history held true I would be surrounded by my fears and overloaded with anxiety. But instead I am full of joy, calmness and gratitude. Our journey since April has been hard at times and frustrating at others. I have had my moments of sadness, anger, nervousness and even some fear. The difference is that I haven't stayed there in those moments or feelings. They are just feelings that passed as quickly as they came. I was able to remember all the gifts and blessings. To look at the positives and silver linings.
One rather large part is the gratitude I feel for each moment and part of my life. I even feel a small bit of gratitude for the primary immune deficiency and the journey it has taken us on. I have learned so much, my faith has grown so deep and we have met so many special people along the way. It is now clear to me that God has a plan and I may never know what that is. That I suppose is where the faith comes in. In any case, within His plan He blesses us in so many ways along our path.
I grew up believing in God and certainly my faith has had its up and downs over the years. I have watched others struggle with and embrace God in their own way. I guess I never questioned He was there. But I never truly felt His presence as I have the past month or so. I consistently have this warmth in my heart and this peace that surrounds me. It is not all the time and I can never say when the moment will hit. I just know that many times in the past 30 days I have experienced it. Today Rick and I took the kids to the zoo. It started to pour and Maggie, who was soaking wet, told me she was "really" not feeling well. We got some McDonalds for lunch and pulled the wagon into the crowded lunch hut. The kids ate in the wagon and we hunched in a corner. Usually I would feel annoyed or irritated. Instead I looked at my family and a warmth filled my heart and soul. I was so grateful for them that tears began to well up in my eyes.
Those are the moments I am overwhelmed, not by fear, but by the love and blessings in my life. I may have a little girl who is struggling with a chronic condition. But she is also the same little girl who was giggling at the pink flamingos and skipping in the rain. Rick and I may have stressed out moments over finances or household things but our love is strong and deep. Ricks may frustrate me when he hits or runs away but he is the person who can make me laugh the hardest with his silliness. I also am lucky enough to have close friends who are like family and new friends who have been so supportive. My life is full of good stuff and good people.
God is amazing! He has taken this anxiety-ridden girl and given her the strength to be a strong mom, wife, friend and woman. I cannot put into words the feelings in my heart and soul. If I did this post would take hours to write and to read. All I know is that in my most darkest moments this past 8 weeks I have felt His shining light and love. And for that I will be forever grateful.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Gut Instinct
Maggie had her appointment with the neurologist today. As I suspected, the doctor feels she is not experiencing migraines or any neurological concerns. Her feeling is that the headaches or pressure is caused by her sinus concerns. AMEN!!!!!
So with that step taken, we can move on to making the decisions on how to help Maggie feel better. Today at the doctor Maggie told me, "Mommy I am tired of feeling sick. It makes me sad that my head hurts." And to finish the conversation, "I don't want to go to doctors." I empathized with her that it must be sad to feel sick for such a long time and maybe even make her feel angry. I feel like even she is getting to the end of her rope on this situation.
That leaves me as a Mom with a mission. I am going to start calling and pestering the ENT and Dr. T. I want to find out what our next step is and when we can do it. I want to do all I can to try and figure out how to help her feel better. I know this maybe chronic and she may not feel well for a long time. At the same time, I want to make sure we are working on it somehow. I owe that to Maggie and to the rest of us.
I am getting pretty confident in my gut instinct. I have usually been right on how real or serious something is with my kids. I suppose that I am lucky to be so connected with them. Someone once commented on how well I know my kids. Of course I know them well because they are my loves. I am completely enamored of them and raising them is my honor and current career. Matter of fact, I frequently find myself thanking God for making me the luckiest Mom in the universe. How would I be so happy or joyful without my blessings racing around, frustrating me and making me laugh? They are my light and my love!
So with that step taken, we can move on to making the decisions on how to help Maggie feel better. Today at the doctor Maggie told me, "Mommy I am tired of feeling sick. It makes me sad that my head hurts." And to finish the conversation, "I don't want to go to doctors." I empathized with her that it must be sad to feel sick for such a long time and maybe even make her feel angry. I feel like even she is getting to the end of her rope on this situation.
That leaves me as a Mom with a mission. I am going to start calling and pestering the ENT and Dr. T. I want to find out what our next step is and when we can do it. I want to do all I can to try and figure out how to help her feel better. I know this maybe chronic and she may not feel well for a long time. At the same time, I want to make sure we are working on it somehow. I owe that to Maggie and to the rest of us.
I am getting pretty confident in my gut instinct. I have usually been right on how real or serious something is with my kids. I suppose that I am lucky to be so connected with them. Someone once commented on how well I know my kids. Of course I know them well because they are my loves. I am completely enamored of them and raising them is my honor and current career. Matter of fact, I frequently find myself thanking God for making me the luckiest Mom in the universe. How would I be so happy or joyful without my blessings racing around, frustrating me and making me laugh? They are my light and my love!
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