Bad News

Approximately a year ago Maggie was diagnosed with Selective IgA Deficiency. I had no idea what that meant and was filled with fear. Rick and I had never heard of anything like this and so it was all new and very scarey to us. Our friends and family were supportive and tried their best to be there for all of us. So many people have tried to understand and help us out during some stressful times. As we learned more and Ricky was diagnosed I felt as if this wave swept over me and I drifted out to sea. It was if I was stuck on some pidd island all alone and extremely overwhelmed and afraid. I talked with one or two people who had some experiences with immune deficiencies but nothing or no one on a constant basis. The weight began to drown me and I wondered if I could manage or handle what God had placed on this journey.

One day I made a phone call to the Immune Deficiency Foundation and was hooked up with Becky. She was my pidd mentor and a fellow Mom of a child with pidd. We talked a few times and she gave me enormous support. The best gift she gave to me was inviting me to join a group on facebook called Down with PIDD - yeah you know me. That group has been a huge blessing in my life. It is filled with Moms who have children (old and young) with pidd and people who themselves have pidd. I have turned to them with questions, frustrations and joys. In each moment I have shared they have supported me and shared their experiences. The wild thing is that I have known these people only 4 months and only through a computer. I have never met any of them personally yet I feel as if some of them are as close to me as my closest friends who live minutes from me.

It is strange how a condition or experience can bring people together. And in this day and age it does it in unique ways such as facebook. Some of my friends live in the south, some on the west coast and a few nearby. Each one of these people have touched my life in so many ways. On my bad days the have reminded me that I am doing the best I can for my two little zebras. I have struggled with this journey. Since joining the group, the road has gotten much smoother and the bumpy spots have become easier to navigate.

So I have shared all the blessings the zebras have given to me and now to share the bad news. Tonight I got on the computer to find out one of most awesome Moms I have shared with has hit a severe bump in her journey. She has had a massive stroke and is hospitalized unable to speak. We are getting sketchy information from a couple of members but it doesn't sound good. Her son has been sick himself with his pidd and they have been struggling.

I feel sick to my stomach with this news. I am filled with grief and keep hoping that I will get some good news coming across the screen. Again, it just amazes how someone so far away has touched my life so deeply. I keep praying for her, her son and her family. May God hold them all close to his heart. I can't do much but I can keep praying.

Insert Foot in Mouth

Today was an interesting day. Let's just say that I felt a bit stressed and my mind was racing. I, for some reason, was feeling anxious about Maggie's hoarse voice and Ricky's upcoming blood work/test results. My husband was feeling anxious about school and all the things he had to do. Add all the anxiety to a day full of to-do's on my end and to-do's on his and you get some tension.

So after a bit of wrangling about things and being off schedule already at 11 AM, I raced off to meet up for Maggie's conference. The conference as a whole was great. I heard what I already knew - my girl is an amazing, sweet and smart girl. She cares about her friends and reaches out to those who are sad, lonely or just need a little help. I felt so proud of her! The academic stuff is low on my priority with school for her. Maggie is smart and right where she needs to be. My priority is her social development. It is so important at this age to learn to listen, share, play and resolve conflicts. I know from my experiences that the social is the most important thing going on in this year of schooling. In the end, she is doing well in all areas and thriving!

Of course, me being me and stressing had to make a bit of goof of myself. The filter wasn't working and so I had to ask about a situation that developed at the beginning of the week. If that wasn't bad enough, I had to make a comment about someone who is involved which was more of an assumption than a fact. I must remember that not every thought I have has to come out of my mouth! After I got home I felt badly so I tried to rectify it and be accountable. I am not sure that the person I tried with really cared or got it but at least I made the effort. Sometimes I can be so wrapped up that I forget to censor the crap that comes out of my mouth.

I feel bad and have beaten myself up a bit. But the good news was that when I posted on facebook about it other people stated they were the same way. And it will pass and soon be forgotten. I made a mistake and tried to rectify it. It is hard but I have to remind myself I am human and not perfect. It is great to know that the happenings of today are now in the past and that I have a chance to learn and grow from the experience. That is my silver lining of the whole thing : )

Mistakes

I had a conversation tonight about motherhood and mistakes. When I was pregnant I had a picture of what kind of Mom I wanted to be and how I was going to parent. Then Maggie was born and the fear hit. I realized how amazing this little person was and how much I loved her. And I realized that the image I had created might not be the reality of being the "Mom".

Four years and two kids later I have realized that the reality is far more awesome than my expectations of motherhood. My belief was that I could, and would, be the "perfect" mother. Once the baby was here and I struggled, the anxiety started to set in. When I made mistakes, because I am only human, I beat myself up.

The past year and all its craziness has taught me some very important lessons. One of the biggest lessons is that I will make mistakes but I need to learn from them and move on. Mistakes are a part of life, especially parenting. So when I make a mistake I try to make my amends, learn from them and grow a little bit. Most importantly, I love my children with everything I have. I try to do the right thing for them and be a good role model. I pray that God will watch over them and guide them, despite all of my mistakes.

The Sniffles Continue

The colds have hit and we are now under siege! Maggie is running a low-grade temp and has lost her voice. She sounds so hoarse, like she just smoked a pack and a half of cigarettes. The big concern is tomorrow is gymnastics day and she is rearing to go. She missed a couple of weeks ago due to asthma and last week was spring break. Now she is fearful that we will decide she can't go because of this cold.

I have promised to see what tomorrow brings. As long as she has no fever, green stuff or asthma symptoms I will let her go. I am hoping that, or better, is our reality in the morning. I think she will be just fine and have a great time in class.

Ricky is just a mess. He woke up early this morning coughing and had a hard time napping. So he is overtired and not feeling well. He is fighting bedtime and wanting Mommy. There is finally quiet coming from his room. Hopefully he has laid his head down and getting the needed sleep to fight the germs.

It is primary immune deficiency awareness month so I guess it is fitting to be battling the germs. Just hoping it is a quick victory for our side!

Sniffles Part 2

So my 2 babies have the sniffles tonight. Here's hoping it passes and by morning we are sniffle free :)

Bear

Bear is Ricky's best friend and our "Velveteen Rabbit". He was a random teddy bear that Maggie brought home from Grandma's house for Ricks. Bear was first through out of the crib and discarded. Then one day, Ricky grabbed hold of this brown bear and hasn't let go. Ricks takes Bear everywhere with him and that includes the tub. The other night as I tried to get both kids bathed and ready for bed, I noticed Ricky holding on tight to Bear as he floated in the bubbly water of the bath. Ricks looked at me with these gorgeous eyes and said, "Bear tubby!"

This Bear is not only Ricks most prized possession, he is one of my most cherished items. He is my baby's first friend. Bear is there for Ricks when I can't be. He consoles him and loves him. To me, Bear is both a reminder of my baby boy growing up and staying little at the same time.

I know that even when Ricky is just known as Rick and he is headed off to college, I will hold on to Bear. He will be a reminder of all the wonderful moments we have had and the special little boy who hugged and held Bear tight.

Crazy

Ricky has been driving me crazy!!!! He is pure 2 year old boy running around and throwing things all over the place. Food, toys, the remote and phones are all fair game to throw. If he gets angry you better duck because you might get hit by random items flying through the air. Rick and I have tried all kinds of consequences and time outs to stop the behavior. Nothing we do seems to help and we feel as if this is another stage. So we continue on and work on a consistent reminder that the behavior is not acceptable.

Ricky responds to our attempts at discipline with a smile and a sparkle. He sits in time out or takes his consequence and then gives me that gorgeous smile. After all is done he comes to me and tells me "Sorry" in his sweet 2 year old voice. He finishes it with one of his priceless kisses.

Here is my dilemma: I try to hold true to that consistent parenting. I work hard to keep the straight face and stern look. When the truth is I melt every time he smiles at me. And when I get the sorry and the kiss, my heart is putty in his little hands. I will go on record now and say that I am wrapped around all 10 of those toddler fingers. Ricky has his Mommy's number and I love it!