Nauesated

I started this blog to have a place to let it out. I wanted somewhere to vent or spill so I could get out the emotion. This would help me let go, move on and be a better parent for my kids. I could ease my stress and be strong for them when they needed me. So tonight is one of those posts!

I feel sick to my stomach and like I am going to throw up. My stomach is so tied up it physically hurts. Tears are welling in my eyes and my heart aches. I experiencing that moment of being overwhelmed and this is all to much for me to handle. How can I walk my two children through the craziness of all this medical madness?

Maggie has been experiencing what I assumed where spring allergies. Then the green stuff started yesterday. Today it continued and during lunch she sneezed so hard that green nasties just poured out of her nose. Rick and I both knew this was not a good sign. A call to Dr. T was in order. He had me bring her in so he could take a look. His diagnosis was the beginning of an infection in her sinuses. There was green stuff back there but it wasn't to bad yet. Due to her penicillin allergy and limited antibiotic choices, he wants to wait and see if her body can fight it off.

So we wait until Friday, if Maggie is not better we start the antibiotic. The antibiotic of the moment is Biaxin which she has taken before and has done absolutely nothing. If she is not better by next Tuesday on an antibiotic we return to make the decision of what to do next. Do we put her on the powerful Cipro which could rupture a tendon? Or do we go to the IV antibiotics? The IV will most likely send her into a tailspin of emotional stress? IV's are her biggest fear and it breaks my heart that she may have to go through them again.

After getting home from the doctor with Maggie, Ricks woke up crying from his nap. As I picked him up I saw the green boogers all over his face. He cried inconsolably for at least 20 minutes until the ibuprofen kicked in. Now he is struggling to go to sleep and uncharacteristically fussing and crying. I may be back at Dr. T's in the next couple days to have him examined.

This experience is what makes being the Mommy to two kids with pidd so hard. It breaks my heart when they are sick. I think that is true for any mother. The problem is as a zebra Mommy, it seems to happen more frequently and sometimes longer and more severe than the "normal". There is nothing I can do but do my best to comfort them and take care of them. The infection is going to run its course and we will have to just wait and see.

I know that I have to hand this over to God. I need to hold on to my faith. I need to let God carry us. I have to breathe and remember that no matter what God will walk with us on this journey. Then I can be strong, brave and calm. I can be present in the moment and give my kids the care and love they need. But first I need to take a bath and have a good cry. I need to let down and let God hold me close to His heart. I need to be consoled and supported by the Mom I so longingly want to be - Mary. And then I can say my prayers and kiss my babies and take the next steps in this lifelong journey.