Signing Off

This will be the last entry in this blog. It is time to move on. It has been a great tool the past 9 months or so. I think it helped me process the good, the bad and the plain out ugly. I have learned a lot, cried a little, celebrated the moments, gave thanks for the blessings and deepened my faith. Thanks to all who dropped by! It has been such a gift to share this journey with you. God bless!

Powering

Just trying to power through......got to get things done.....need sleep and Theraflu....gonna make it though.....praying and powering.

Sick & Tired

I am feeling so sick and plain out exhausted. Why is that at the beginning of the most busy time I have had in a long time, I get sick? My chest feels like a huge elephant is sitting on it and I am so tired I can barely pick up my fingers as they type. I need to curl up in my bed with some Theraflu and a good book. A day in bed wouldn't hurt either but that is impossible. Tomorrow we have Sunday School orientation, return clothes that don't fit, laundry, change sheets, clean bathroom and finally my weekly respite with friends. Plus I have work to actually get done if Maggie takes a quiet time. It won't be a quiet day.

I am just saying prayers and asking for the strength to do what needs to be done. And trying to crash before 9 at night so I can at least get some sleep!

Hectic

I love fall. Cooler weather and warm sweaters have their charm. I like the beginning of the "holidays" like Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Fall activities such as apple picking, costume shopping, fall nature walks and trips to the metroparks to check out the colors of the leaves are all fun. Apple cider, caramel apples and hot spice tea are so yummy. But I am not loving our fall schedule!

I am already missing our lazy days of summer around here. Waking up at 7:30/8 and lazying in our bed with the kids as we watch a Dora or Elmo was just the right way to start a day. I miss eating a quick breakfast, sunblocking up and spending the whole morning in the backyard just playing, exploring and relaxing. We had no where to be and no need for a schedule. Rick's schedule was flexible and we got to spend a lot of Daddy time. I do love the warm temps and beautiful sun. Mostly I miss not having something to do or somewhere to go every day.

This week was our first full fall week. By today we were all dragging a bit with exhaustion and empty tanks. The alarm rang at 6:30 and we were all up and running by 7:15 (we hit the snooze a couple times). Maggie is in school 5 mornings and encountering a bit of school tireds. Ricks was busy with his normal playing and being dragged to run errands. Rick has his fall class schedule in full swing. Not to mention that our fall allergies are hitting with full force. To add to the fun Ricks' chronic hives and non-allergic allergic reaction are waking him (and me) up at all hours of the night. The best was at 11 this morning he was broken out and need Bendryl. This prompted a nap on the couch during lunch and lunch at 1:45 with no quiet time.

I could have used that quiet time. My schedule seems to have ramped up and taken off. I have a list of to do's that never seems to end. Today I had a presentation about immune deficiencies and handwashing at Maggie's school. I also have been asked for feedback on teaching/developing information for younger children about immune deficiencies. I spent a huge chunk of time on the phone yesterday with a fb friend who is a rep for the company that develops most of the children material.

Add that to figuring out how to put together a newsletter for Maggie's school and getting deadlines out to all the right people. Plus the large need done list for our St. Clare Ministry Fair and getting ready for Sunday School. If I wasn't busy enough I have school starting in one week. Plus you have to add in the weekly doctor's visits for myself, the kids and my mother. I don't think I have a week for at least over a month when someone doesn't have to go to a doctor somewhere.

The best part of my schedule is trying to carve out some good family time, meals together and cuddling up at the end of the day. I also at least one dinner or lunch planned with a friend for the next few weeks. I also have the honor of my weekly outings with some wonderful ladies. These things are all blessings. I love each opportunity. My life has been filled with some awesome people. I daily and sometimes more than once, thank God for all of the gifts He has placed in our lives. My life is full in so many ways and I have no need of anything.

And people wonder why I just wanted to lay low this summer? Because I knew that once fall started life would full steam ahead!

Mistakes

Isn't there a line in the song "My Way" by Frank Sinatra that goes "Mistakes, I made a few"? I suppose we all do because we are human. Thankfully God is all forgiving. But there is the human part to the mistake. As anyone who reads this blog can tell I have had my struggles and celebrations the past nine months. Life has thrown its curveballs at me. Some of them I have handled well, some I have struck out and some I have hit out of the park.

Unfortunately the ones that I have struck out on have had its causalities. There was an ongoing situation that happened which I did not care or feel comfortable sharing all of the details. A bit here, a bit there. Just enough to relieve some steam but not enough to expose the shame I felt about the situation. This caused a backlog which caused me to sometimes act like a jerk. An emotionally reactive jerk who did not always treat people well. A vent here, a snap there or just complete diversion into something which wouldn't let out the truth.

The situation is now looking more positive. I have made some major changes in my perspective and attitude. I have disengaged and detached. The relationship that was crumbling before my very eyes and at my complete devastation is actually slowly rebuilding itself. And now for the consequences elsewhere.

I saved my marriage but lost some friends. I have written there are a couple that it was just time to move on. That is true but I still mourn for them. I realize my part and pondered how I could have been a better friend and person. There is one friend who doesn't fall into that category. I made some major mistakes and now with time the friendship is slipping away. I feel truely sad to say goodbye for she was like a sister and I truly love her. I guess there are always consequences for the actions you choose.

With Rick and I moving towards more solid ground and some of the deep wounds healing I have looked around. I am a different person. I think I am a stronger, more confident person. I have a healthier view on life and relationships. My expectations are more realistic and grounded. My faith in God is deep and unwavering. I have met new friends and developed some great support systems. But there have been causalities that I don't think I can save. I have a sadness in my heart and pray that somehow, someday things will be restored. No matter what the future brings, I will love my friend and be grateful for all that we have shared.

Version of Myself

You are here to become the-best-version-of-yourself. This is the universal meaning of the human experience. Making the choices and decisions that make up the fabric of our lives involves embracing anything that helps you to become the-best-version-of-yourself, and rejecting anything that does not. Anyone or anything that does not help you to become the-best-version-of-yourself is just too small for you. *Matthew Kelly

I ran into this theme and author tonight at a parish council meeting. I don't have much info on it and just did a little bit of research when I got home. I like the message. It seems to be fitting for where I am at and what I have been experiencing. I am finding out more about who I am and worrying less about what others think of me. There is a peace in this journey that only comes from God. I am really feeling guided by God's will and that I am finally seeing His calling for me (at least His calling at this moment). It is funny how tonight I had something in my heart and this came up. God knows just when and where to send the answer every time : )

Just Saying

I just need to say that I have the most fabulous husband in the entire universe. Only a couple of months ago we were at a real turning point and I wasn't sure what was going to happen next. Our differences brought me to my knees. Even in the darkest moments I loved Rick with all of my heart and soul. Our relationship is the first place I ever felt safe and completely loved. Two months later and the we seem to have made it to the light. The work is not done(is it ever?) but the rewards are already flowing in. I am the most blessed woman to have someone who loves me and tries to his best to be a better man. It may not be my way but it is definitely a noted effort.

This weekend has been amazing. Those moments of anxiety and fear were quieted by his strength and love. We may not always communicate well but somehow this weekend it happened just right. I needed and he provided. It is moments like tonight when I thank God for His miracles. The changes in me and our marriage have certainly shown me how wondrous God can be.

Like I said, Rick is the most awesome husband. I am so grateful to have him in my life. Just sayin'!